Field Dispatch
When there’s no one to call
The briefing
Kaleen opens up about what it was like navigating pregnancy while feeling completely alone. We talk about the loneliness of pregnancy, we talk about the heartbreak of expecting support that never came, and the heartbreak that followed the birth of her son. What should have been a time filled with love became another painful reminder that expectations don't always match reality.
Hi. Hi, what up, Keelene?
What's up, Adrian? I came in here all crazy.
I'm like, what up, Keelene? She's like, what up?
What's up? How are you?
What up? What up homie?
What up homie G Boo? When Keelene's son was younger,
I always had him go, I'll be like peace.
And I have a video and he goes all the way down.
He goes peace. So hi guys.
I know we kind of were gone there for a little bit.
We took a little bit of a break, had a little bit of a quiet
season. We're definitely going to start
using more discernment on our behalf of knowing when to take
breaks and stuff like that. We'll keep you guys updated if
we're not going to post or record or just whatever.
That way you guys are also on the same page, which you can
follow the Facebook page. We update everything on our
Facebook page. It's called Ash has became
Alters. So yeah, welcome back.
We're so excited to have you guys back.
We started the video and so we have that going on YouTube,
which is super exciting. Yes, it's so exciting.
I'm so happy. I'm so happy and I'm happy to be
back, honestly. Yeah, me too, kind of left off
on talking about. We kind of went back to the
States because in the beginning of the podcast we were still
trying to figure out like our momentum, what we're going to
talk about, things like that. And we flew through the States
in those first two episodes. But that was the whole point of
starting the podcast. This podcast is obviously we
have so much to talk about, so going backwards isn't a
hindrance. That's the whole point.
We left off talking about the women that were brought into our
lives while we were moving around a lot.
And because we did move around a lot, kind of just going and
moving. And like, it's so easy to sit
and speak about something that you went through to somebody or
also listen to what someone else has gone through.
But reliving it when you're speaking the depth of what you
experienced emotionally, spiritually, physically, even in
times is where everything kind of all ties into the foundation
of this podcast too. Because I can sit here and tell
Killeen I drink a Red Bull and my stomach hurts and she can be
like, oh, man, and feel bad and everything like that, but she
can't feel how my stomach feels. So then if I explain it to her,
it can give her more of a realization and she can kind of
not, well, compare, I guess you can say, to a situation that she
had gone through and be like, oh, you know, I'm putting myself
in your shoes. Now that we're diving deeper on
the podcast, that's what we're doing, essentially diving deeper
into what stomach pain is like. Speaking of insanity, the past
couple weeks I got my appendix taken out.
So that was crazy, but it was super humbling experience and I
had a couple weeks off work and just got a quiet season for the
first time in my life, which was absolutely remarkable.
I've never been able to just sit and be.
It was a really good season of rest for the first time in my
life. Kayleen, what have you been up
to? We've just been having
back-to-back to back birthdays and then there's Father's Day
mixed in it because Raiden was actually born on Father's Day.
So it's like every single weekend, just the ending of
June. And July is a very, very busy
month for us. Like we are extremely busy the
entire month. Yeah.
July, then my birthday, Jared's birthday, both the kids
birthday, Father's Day, It's it's just a busy month.
I'm so terrible at remembering birthdays.
I literally have a notes of all the birthdays in my notes on my
phones and I still forget. I forgot to tell her husband
happy birthday. So that was awesome.
But it is hard to remember birthdays definitely with so
many people. I was going to fly to Kaylene's
house for Raiden's birthday party.
And then that whole thing happened with my appendix.
And when I was at the ER, the doctor came in and said, it's
your appendix. And I was like, Dang, that's a
bummer. I was like, so do I have to stay
here? And the doctor's like, yeah,
probably I was. Like sorry.
I was just wondering if I could like go back to work or like
what was happening. So yeah, that was a super
humbling experience. And also with that whole quiet
season thing, I explained I don't have a relationship with
my parents. So seeing the people here in the
community that I built out here in Arizona was so incredible.
I'm giving so much gratitude to God because I don't know what I
would have done if I didn't have people out here and the people
that stepped up to help through that.
So that was absolutely awesome and I'm totally grateful for
that. It's just good to have a lot of
people to surround you that's positive and uplifting,
especially going through something like that.
I remember both my pregnancies and birth, like with Brayden and
Jaylee. It's just good to have
positivity around you during the, like, just times like that.
Not saying like what you went through is anything similar
because I was preparing for nine months that I was going to give
birth. You kind of just like, went into
it and they're like, oh, just so you know, you're having surgery.
I'm actually glad that you just said that because I was thinking
about it today when I was trying to figure out what we were to
talk about tonight. I was thinking about your
pregnancy with your daughter for your first one.
And I didn't know the depth of what you went through when you
were pregnant. And I was just kind of thinking
about everything we talked about over the years and just where
you're at now as well. I was wondering, do you kind of
want to talk about what it was like when you were pregnant and
what it was like to not have parent to go to?
I know you had other sources. And that's where this podcast is
so powerful because we lacked the most basic thing that most
people have in their life. And that's just like a home
parents to go to a foundation parent will love any of that.
So you kind of, I don't want to say grasp because it's not
grasping, but it makes you have admiration more for the people
that step up, right? I just wanted to see if you want
to talk about what it was like in calls that you made that
didn't get answered and how it made you feel.
Honestly, it's also kind of one of the scariest things in your
life. You are transitioning from being
it just being you to now you and a baby, you know?
So it's kind of a scary like thing at first, especially when
you don't have that support around you and you don't have
positivity, like uplifting you. It makes it even more scary in a
way. I was going through a lot when I
was pregnant, like mentally, emotionally, like physically,
everything. I was going through a lot during
that time. I didn't have anybody.
I, I, nobody understood the, the friends that I had had at that
time, they either didn't have children or had never been
pregnant before. So I didn't have anybody that
like I could talk to that for one, that understood and for
two, that was kind of giving me positive feedback.
It was more of I, I felt like I was talking to everybody or I
was talking to like certain people and they weren't really
comprehending. And they're like, oh, wow, I'm
sorry you're going through that. That's crazy.
And then I'm like, they don't understand.
I think that it's very important to have somebody to talk to that
has either been pregnant or kind of knows what you're going
through. Trying to talk to friends who
hadn't had babies or pregnancies prior while being pregnant, it
was like a very difficult thing. And that was like one of my
first transitions pregnancy was realizing that I have lost a lot
of friends. I didn't have anybody to talk
to. So I understand what you're
saying about the friends, but I'm perverting to more so on the
family dynamic of things. A lot of people have their
parents to go to, so I don't know if you want to go into
detail. It's totally up to you about
people that you had called that you wanted to talk to that just
never showed up for you during one of the biggest moments of
your entire life. That's I think that's why I was
leaning so much onto the friend thing is because I didn't have
any family to call. I didn't have any family to talk
to, so at that time it felt like I only had my friends and then I
eventually had lost those as well.
During that time, whenever I had found out I was pregnant, I
would say if I could go back in time and change anything, I
would have kept the pregnancy to myself and not have told
anybody. With Ray Ray, the second time
around, I kind of like did things a lot differently.
And also, COVID was going around, so I kind of had an
excuse to not really be around anybody.
Well, not just an excuse, but I did not want to get sick.
For one. I had Jay and she was just itty
bitty. And then I was pregnant with
Raiden during COVID. I was very, very protective
anytime anybody coughed, like, they're like, hey, can I come
see the children? I'm like, yeah.
Probably not. Anyways.
Thanks for asking though. Yeah, Long story short, when I
found out I was pregnant with Jay Lee, like I said, I said if
I if I could go back, I probably wouldn't have told everybody.
I literally told everybody. I was so excited.
And I wish that I would have just kept that kind of to me and
Jared and enjoyed it because I told everybody.
Well, that's what a lot of people do when they get
pregnant. But with the circumstances of
what you had already endured, and also because with what
you're saying about friends, I didn't mean to cut you off.
Here we go. I think a lot of our lives it we
did resort to our friends more because that's all we had.
Even if we had people that were present in our lives, they were
present in a way that was so toxic and harmful for us as kids
that friends felt like family. And then so the loss of a
friend, I feel like could feel heavier to people like us that
went through stuff like that. Because your friends are on a
whole different. It's not you're just, you're not
just friends. Your friend is love, fun living
and then you go home and you're dealing with XY and Z.
So that friendship, it's so much more valuable.
Valuable. Not that other people don't
value their friends. That's not what I'm saying.
It's just it was like having a good relationship or family at
times. So I had called my family in
Michigan. I had told then at 1st every
excited I was excited but then I slowly was like going through
emotions and I was happy. I was pregnant and I was super
excited and I loved my husband was on my heart and I was happy
to have a baby with him and he was really the only one that I
was able to lean on in like my first and 2nd trimester.
I tried to reach out to one of my parents.
I got shot down. I had so much happened when I
was pregnant with Jaylee with everybody.
I was being told that a whole bunch of different things in my
ear that was negative and then I felt alone, extremely alone.
The one person that I thought that would like understand more
than anything is the one parent that I had called.
The response that I had gotten was kind of heartbreaking.
I had called them one time and they answered and I kind of
explained to them like, hey, I'm feeling really down.
I'm feeling all these emotions. I was young, still young.
I was trying to reach out like weeks after that and my phone
calls were getting ignored and I was being told it was because
they didn't have service where they live.
And I just felt super alone. At that time.
We were living with people, I mean, living with anybody's
heart. So I was going through things
with that while also being pregnant.
I can relate in the aspect of the no servicing, wanting to
reach out to a parent for anything.
It forms desperation because you want that.
I had gone to call it at times there was no service, but
anytime I went over there I had full bars.
When I say desperation it forms in a way of me personally when I
did something that was a bad decision and I had called them I
did it out of desperation cuz I was like maybe this can help me
connect with them cuz I was so desperate to grasp anything to
get their attention in any form. Any response I ever got was so
negative. So trying to imagine dealing
with that and having a child I genuinely killing.
Don't even know like you are the strongest person that I know.
Knowing the life that we had and you know what we dealt with I.
Can't imagine because me and this parent had never been close
before. It was kind of weird because as
soon as I found out that I was pregnant, that was the only
person I wanted, the only person I wanted to call, the only
person that I felt like would understand.
Every time I reached out to them and I got shot down, a little
bit of me kept breaking inside. I guess I had higher
expectations because although like I wasn't really number one
in their life and stuff like that.
I was hoping that my daughter would have been because I'm
like, babies aren't innocent. They're innocent beings and so.
It brings this mentality because I can relate with you.
We're sisters, got. No, I'm just kidding.
Don't know if we told you. It brings this mentality almost
repetitively of what will be good enough.
What? At what point will they want a
relationship with me? At what point?
Whether you're doing good or bad or whether you're having a trial
success, anything like what can draw their eyesight to be like
I'm so proud of you or I'm here for you or I went through this.
When it comes to your pregnancy and hearing how you went through
that alone, it honestly breaks my heart so much.
That doesn't explain the depth of us not having relationships
or if we did have relationships, they still weren't good.
That you're at a point where you're having your first child
and your mentality instead of excitement and joy what you did
have. There's also this side of could
this be what gives me a relationship with the one person
I always wanted? That is sad.
It really is sad. Went to the extent of moving to
Michigan for two years. Who would pack up and move their
things with two young UNS and expect something's not going to
work? Right.
With the, you go there with the intentions of wanting it to work
out. You don't move 13 hours away and
think, yeah, I hope this fails. With your whole family in jobs.
Moving cost a lot of money. I mean when we were in Michigan,
we moved like 3 or 4 times because they were only short
term leases there. We spent a lot of money moving
there and then six months moving, six months moving and
then we found a year lease and then ended up moving back to
North Carolina after the after that lease had ended because I
made one last trying to reach out.
And that was the last last time that we had really, we've really
spoke. We haven't really spoke since
then. You can only put in so much
effort and I wanted it so bad for so long.
And I tried everything. I tried reaching out, I tried
texting. I literally told my husband,
hey, let's move. But with that being said, I did
want to mention like my pregnancy was rough area was
wonderful during my pregnancy. He was there for me.
It's just he was working a lot and he was trying to get money
because we were living with his family members.
So we were trying to get money so that way we could get get our
own place before Jaylee was born.
But that being said, I did feel really, really alone during that
time. Going back and looking back on
everything. I did have my family in North
Carolina that was there for me. I don't want to say I didn't
have anybody. The one person that I did want
wasn't there. So it kind of felt like more
empty and then I. Had so much has gone through my
mind right now his. Family on the other side of
things, I'm like. So two things I want to touch
on. First thing, Kayleen has a
family she was still searching for, like that home feeling of a
parent. I'm saying that because it
expresses the depth of that yearning.
It also goes with what you just said about having other people.
I explained this recently because I was really thinking
about it because something happened recently and it kind of
threw me off my equilibrium. Like highly it normally does,
but there are certain people that you have that yearning for
so deeply in your heart and soul.
That person has the ability to hold a ball in their hand and it
has a switch on it. Then even just texting back
because of your yearning of that relationship that you want that
a simple K, even if it's rude, it's like, Oh well, they text me
back at something. It can light up and good.
It's not just bad. It has the power to light up
your entire world that day or however long that hope can drag
on for 10 weeks, 10 months, 10 years, that's all you've ever
wanted. But they also have the
capability to flip the light switch off and make the room
dark again. Because whether that light
switch is on or off, they're still people surrounding you.
It's just that person has the capability to make you feel like
you're in a dark room, even though you have people outside
your house, in your house. House meaning in your life.
I think over the years it's taught me a lot because I
literally all I ever looked at was that ball.
That ball was all I wanted in my entire life and through all the
moves and all the chaos and all the addictions, all the abuse
myself, others were just so much of it.
Everything, Everywhere, all the time and anything that could go
along those lines you can put in there because we were exposed to
a lot. I'm not saying everything, but
you can put a lot of things in the blanks.
That being said, I'm going to share something too because
healing and I both had that yearning.
I think I don't want to speak for you.
I do. I do want to say really quick, I
didn't have that because I was with the other parent for so
long and we had that bond. That yearning kind of started
when I found out I was pregnant. As soon as I found out I was
pregnant, that's what I wanted. That's when I really like was
like because we had never been close.
We some. Reason it's different, but yeah,
mother. Figure yes, like we didn't talk
or anything like we were never close at all.
We exchanged maybe a few texts here and there over the span of
like 10 years do. You feel like you've experienced
that though with a certain person or do you feel like I
kind of just categorized us? No, I, I feel like when I found
out I was pregnant, I really wanted that one person.
I, I, everything kind of started making sense, like I'm going to
be what you are to me. But like I said, we had never
been close so it didn't like. You really weren't I'm not sorry
that I was not even rude the way I said that, but like looking
back at everything we. Just never had that.
I bond that that. I can, yeah, I can genuinely see
where gained a bond to the other parent because at least they
were there. Circumstances were dropped here.
When somebody is there, their presence is still there.
And I've explained it before, but it's like at a job, you can
dislike a person so much. You've ever had a Co worker that
you just did not like for some reason?
You don't have an explanation. You're just like, I don't like,
like this person. But when they leave the job, it
still feels like something's missing.
And I was going to share. I was going to share something
about us, actually. Sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt you. No, you're fine.
Keeling. Do not apologize.
Let's have a competition if you can interrupt 2 more because I'm
queen, I thought. I.
Don't know. I'm listening to previous
episodes. I'm like, wow, Lee, wow.
I do not let her talk, do I? But we're supposed to do that.
There you go. Thanks, Killeen.
Heck yeah. Anyways, So what were you making
pregnant? No, I'm just going.
What were you making pregnant? No, no, I love it.
That's so. Funny, something serious.
And I'm like. I look, I'm like in a deep, deep
sentence. And I look over on your side of
the computer and you're just like, you're like talking to the
wall. You're like, yeah, yeah.
But something I was going to share because so when Killeen
got pregnant with Ray, I booked a trip to North Carolina because
she was living in North Carolina at the time.
I did not have a relationship with.
And shoe. There you go there you go What
are we doing? Hello.
I didn't have a relationship with Sock and shoe at the time.
So when I went to Killeen's house, I worked at a factory so
we got time off we'd get like 2 weeks off for the 4th of July.
It's just like the ups and downs of the peace rate factories over
there. I booked my trip or whatever and
I go down there Well then all of a sudden Sock and Shoe want to
go down there and I think I had been there for I was supposed to
be there at Killeen's house for two weeks.
They wanted to come no matter how much I endured with them.
And even though I was not talking to them, they wanted to
come and they said they don't want to come if I was there.
I booked a trip back to Indiana because I wanted Ray.
Ray was just born. I was not going to rob for one
Killeen of that experience of Oh my gosh, they want to come see
him. Like they want to come see
Killeen and be there for her. I'm not going to be the one to
rob you from that. Secondly, I didn't feel
emotionally safe to even be there anyways.
If they were coming, The pressure that was put on me at
that time, because it's like, if Adrian's there, we're not coming
and I'm sitting here looking at my baby nephew.
I got robbed of the rest of that time.
I ended up texting one of my good friends and said, hey, I
didn't say anything that happened in North Carolina or
anything like that. I was just like, hey, I'm
booking a trip back to Indiana. You want to book a random trip?
So we, I flew to Indiana and then me and one of my friends
booked a flight to Utah and then I went and explored out there.
I got so upset because while I, I had went to Utah, I think we
were in Utah for like 4 days. And then we went to Vegas for
our last night. And I think it was when either
our last night in Utah, I'm pretty sure it was our last
night in Utah, or either when we me and my friend had went to
Vegas. I got a call from you.
Sock and shoe had up and left your house.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
That's exactly what I'm saying is they had the capability for
that time. Like this is different states,
guys. This isn't like we're 5 minutes
from each other and I can just come back.
So I don't know if you want to go in detail with any of that,
but the point is, is they up and left Kaylene's house.
I don't even know how much more time would have been like in
that time frame that I could have been there, but I was so
upset that they had did that to like there was still time for
sure. And I was so upset.
I'm like, I could have stayed there.
Like I literally booked a whole flight and I was so hurt.
So I want to just, my thing was like, go have fun explorer,
Yolo, you only live once, whatever.
And I had texted one of them when I was in Vegas and said,
can I come see you at your house when we all get back to Michigan
or whatever. And they said no.
And then I got absolutely sloshed.
I just I literally drank a whole bottle.
I have a pictures standing in front of a window chugging a
bottle of alcohol. I had drank a whole bottle
before I even left the hotel room that night and end up
blacking out and I woke up under a tree the next morning because
I just my coping was drinking. The pain that came with that
switch was so powerful. I just that alcohol was my
suicide at the time. So where my side of what
happened with that? Because I do feel like I got so
robbed of that time. Like I said, we didn't live 5
minutes from each other. I didn't get that time with Ray.
It's not like I could go and see him again or have that time.
I was going to have to book a whole other.
Yeah, he literally he was a newborn.
I remember because. I was like, just gave birth and
I'm like. And I remember I was laying in
bed with you and Bray was crying and I remember laying there and
I was trying so hard to stay awake with you.
And I was like, I don't know how she does this.
So like he was a newborn and I was, I had hadn't really been
around kids that much. I had been around kids, not a
newborn. Yeah.
So I was like, trying. I, I've been around kids, but I
hadn't been around newborns. Oh, yeah.
So staying with my sister with a newborn was so nude to me.
And I just didn't know what to do.
And I felt so guilty because the one night when Ray was crying, I
was trying so hard to stay awake and then killing how to get up.
But if you want, you can share more about that experience and
kind of how it made you feel. But you don't have to if you
don't want to. I'm going to explain it like
this. So I'm not like using names or
specific like things, but like picture you just had a baby.
If you can't have a baby, whatever, but picture you had
just had a baby and family from other states want to come see
you. 1 doesn't want to come if the other one's coming.
So you have to like kind of playing around that that you
know, but but like this one doesn't really care will come
whenever just wants to see the baby.
This one doesn't really care. So they're planning around like
everybody else's schedule. Like you were saying, I'm like,
OK, y'all can come and then so and so is going to leave.
Y'all can come and then no, you came first right here.
Because one of my friends. And then y'all can come after
they they leave they're supposed to stay for like I think it was
7 days. And on the 3rd or 4th day they
just get up and they're like we're leaving out of I'm not
kidding you out of nowhere. Jared and I are like what?
They end up literally just like we're leaving leaves.
I'm like, OK, well, that's. Mind you, this is from North
Carolina all the way back to Michigan.
It's not like a. Yeah, like a 10/11 hour drive.
I'll just explain what, how I felt afterward.
I was like confused. I I was like, OK, I was like, I
just. Had a but in.
I literally like Raiden was not even a week I think.
Raiden was just born when I had got there.
I can't remember because I bought him a newborn.
I bought him a little Nike thing, but was the first.
How was the first couple days? Like did it, did you feel it was
so good that you felt it fulfilled?
And then just out of nowhere, it was like.
It was out of nowhere. It was, it was everything was
going really, really good. I was supposed to go out with a
certain person. Yeah.
Anyways, so yeah, I had a day planned with somebody.
That day was kind of like ruined because they just like got up
left and I'm just sitting there like OK, like confused.
They said that it was because a storm was coming and Jared and I
had looked and that storm wasn't supposed to come like till like
8:00 and it they had left like 10:00 in the morning.
I'm just like, honestly, I should have like stopped then,
but no, I kept going. I kept wanting a relationship.
I ended up visiting I think one more time, end up moving there
and it's just like I had to get knocked down, knocked down,
knocked down, knocked down till I couldn't tell I there's like
no more getting up. Like I was like, and like I
said, we weren't never really close.
I was really doing it for the kids.
I wanted them. I want them to know all of their
family. Can't force anybody to be in my
baby's lives. And everybody knows my phone
number. I don't have a single person
blocked on my phone, which I mean I could show but I don't
have a single. Person I was like, no way she's
going to show her block. Yeah, honestly, I'm good.
No, don't. Don't.
I think it's no, we're not. Because what I was.
Being this podcast, we actually we're building up to show you
guys who we have blogged. No, I know, right?
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
It also came with manipulation though.
And they're the ones up and leave and then you're the one
that's robbing them of time. I'm gonna I'm gonna share a
quick little story memory for me story for you about the
intensity of the manipulation that I went through.
This is going to get a little deep.
I moved out of sock and shoes house when I was 17 years old.
Legally you're allowed to do that and then I don't know if
that's for other states. So if anybody's listening to
this and they are thinking about moving or emancipation or
anything like that, get legal guidance.
Do not follow this podcast. I was younger and I got my
information from my sources at the time.
So I just want to make that very clear what stuff like that.
Seek guidance in elders and situations.
Don't tell your friends about it.
Don't go because your friends definitely at a young age can
steer you right, but they can also steer you wrong.
So always seek guidance with even if you're in school, go to
your guidance counselor, whatever you need to do.
So with that being said, I had an apartment at 17.
That's a whole story in itself. I didn't have a vehicle at the
time and you cannot get your license until you're 18.
So I was walking from my apartment to McDonald's in the
town next to my town, and it was on the highway.
So I would walk two hours. They're two hours back making
like $7.00 an hour. And then I worked at a pizza
place in my town. So then I would get ready work
there and vice versa. And I did that for a while.
It's a whole story. I got very close with the people
at the pizza place. And I'll go more in detail with
this because that is a blessing from God and looking back, I did
not know what was in front of me.
With that being said, they bought me a bike.
They surprised me one day, bought me a bike so I could bike
to work and get where I needed. Mind you, at this time I'm still
in high school, so I'm taking my laptop doing it there.
I started doing online graduation comes for high
school, but I also had enlisted in the military.
My reasoning for enlisting in the military was not pure for
what it should be when you are enlisting to serve the country.
My reasoning was for a purpose and to get away from my life.
And so it kind of backfired on me because I just wasn't
mentally in the right state of mind to be doing something like
that at the time when I enlisted.
I'll go more in detail with all of this.
But with that being said, I'm I graduated high school and I also
went to basic training. So people, they are big
accomplishments, but when I did it, it was even bigger because
we had all of this behind us. All this homelessness before
graduating, sleeping at a park before graduating, being hungry
before graduating, all of these things that I can't even put
into words to help someone understand.
I had met a friend and he was very important to me at the
time. I did not treat him very well
because I didn't know how to react to anything that was
happening around me. Everything was so bad.
I was still dealing with hospital visits and certain
people still like mentally abusing me and also at certain
times putting their hands on me, trying to balance that, trying
to have an apartment, trying to Graduate School.
I was helping a friend take care of her kid.
It was insanity. But I had this friend that I met
and we, I, I absolutely loved him and I'm not going to say his
name and that anyone who knows me knows who I'm referring to,
but that was an incredible person that didn't deserve the
way that I treated him at that time.
He took me to the airport. Killeen was actually there when
I went to basic training with my friends and he was there for the
pizza parlor Family threw me a going away party for basic
training and also a high school graduation, Sock and Shoe had
said. They were throwing me a
graduation party and a going away party and I was so excited
because I was like, Oh my gosh, like that.
What? Like they're doing this for me?
Even if it was just them, I didn't care.
It was, it was so incredible and it was such a big accomplishment
to me because what I had thought through, I will never forget.
I called one of the people that I needed to sign for my license
because I was walking in the snow.
I was riding my bike in the rain, all the weather.
I was walking, riding my bike and I called him and I begged
them to sign for my license. I'm like, listen, I know you
don't want anything to do with me.
I just need your help so I don't have to walk to work anymore and
do all this. I will never forget.
I was sitting at the Dollar General in that little town.
I was going back and forth with this person on the phone and
they told me no. And I sat there for hours.
I'm not even exaggerating. I sat there for hours after the
phone conversation, bawling and listening to fight song.
This is my fight. And I was like sitting there
trying to get everything in me to have the strength to keep
going and keep fighting. Because at that point I'm like,
what's the point of graduating? What's the point of fighting to
go through basic? What's the point of anything?
Because what am I fighting for? I don't have anything to fight
for. But I sat there and I got my
mind together and I did it. I graduated and I'm building up
the story to get to the point. So this person even for my high
school graduation, decorated his whole entire truck took me and
everything like that. And we had went to a little
restaurant. There was only like a few
restaurants in that Old Town. It was super small.
Lord behold, after my graduation, sock and shoe are
there. I did walk up and I made a
comment and I said F family. I was absolutely livid.
Kayleen had shut up to my graduation too and something had
happened with her and I was also defending her through that.
So I had, I walked up to them directly.
I saw them at the booth and I said F family.
I will always take accountability for what I did in
situations. I put the seed in that situation
and the seed grew faster than I knew what to do with it.
It's like, it's like I planted young.
I mean. It's like I planted a pumpkin
and they like sprouted drastically in a matter of
seconds because I don't know if you know if you plant a pumpkin
like it grows throughout your whole yard like pumpkins
everywhere. That's the only way I can
explain how fast that that escalated.
I thought in my wonderful mind at that beautiful teenage years
that going up and making that comment, I was going to walk
away with no consequences. We ended up going outside.
One of them starts screaming at me that I'm nothing but white
trash and I'm never going to be anything.
And I was watching the other. I'm like, you're not going to
say anything. They just quietly got in the
vehicle, didn't say anything. And my friend at the time was
defending me. And it's the only person that
ever stood up for me with the I'm going to refer to it as my
abuser. And that's just what it is.
That was the only person that stood up to me, to my abuser.
The people in the situation said if you were with him you will
never have a relationship with us.
My one desire in life was to have a relationship with those
people. So I never let my guard down to
be able to be without my first love, my first genuine, genuine
love. The other loves were confused,
confusion and I didn't know what I was doing and I was just so
confused. This person, I loved him, me and
him ended up falling off because of honestly because of me.
This wasn't able to have the capacity to be who he needed me
to be at the time. A couple years passed and I was
at work and I ended up finding out that he had passed away in a
car accident. I thought I had been through it
all and we didn't even have like a relationship friendship at the
time. We would message here and there.
I was a wreck. I was going home.
I was living with a roommate, and a little bit after he had
passed away, my roommate came up to me and said, can I ask you
something? And I was like, yeah.
And she was like, did you even know him?
And I was like, why would you ask me that?
Sock and Shoe had pulled her aside and said that I didn't
even know him. The manipulation of that alone
put that into the four years that I lived with him.
I went freezy just that alone. I can talk about it now.
Obviously it takes you got to take time to heal and everything
like that. I wouldn't have been able to
talk about this 5-6 years ago, but the manipulation of that
alone, I had to sit there. I pulled out my letters from
Basic, I pulled out my pictures with him and I was like, I knew
him. The fact that they would sit
there and say that I didn't even know somebody that passed away,
The manipulation that that is is absolutely insane.
And I my reality was so confused for so long because of how the
manipulation was. I'm piggybacking off of killing
with her experience, even with her kids, because you cannot
take a situation. If I go to your house, I fly
there and you're like, yes, you can stay here for six days, but
by set the 7th day you need to leave.
Even if you say it like that, what you didn't, that's simple.
You're there if you don't want to be there, OK?
To uproot caused this whole illusion of something starting
something and then coming back and saying that we don't have,
like it's your fault. The opportunity for me and
Kayleen, it's been there. It was there.
I won't say it's there anymore, but for our entire time walking
on this earth, whether you had a relationship or only talked once
in a while, your foundation was still always there.
If people reached out to you, no matter what you, it was still
sitting there. You're like, OK, you they could
always walk on your grounding, but anytime you wanted to walk
over there, it was a Cliff. Right.
You're not going to come over here unless I make a It's like
they it's like they had the capacity to build this island
over there. You had your island and they
would build a tiny, tiny like inch stud.
OK, you can walk. They, they gave you enough trust
that you start walking and you start trusting.
But once you're like, you start getting a little farther, the
wood starts shaking and then, well, it's your fault.
Why would you walk across the stud?
But they're over there standing there with a screw gun, nailing
it in, making you think it's sturdy to walk on.
Little do you know they're over there and they're unscrewing it
at the same time. My whole point is trying to
bring a child into the world and having that desire because I
think any person that bears a child in their womb, even the
dad, you want your family there for that.
That is a huge thing because it starts bringing up things.
But I think a lot of people lack the knowledge that sometimes
people need time for themselves. Somebody doesn't talk for two
weeks. It's so easy to be like, oh it's
because of me and simply they just need a reset.
And we've both kind of shared like different things that we
had went through, but similar like either outcomes or and
stuff like that, whether or not it is just for their
grandchildren or like your babies.
And in general, you cannot force somebody to either be in your
life and you can't force somebody to be in your kids
life. If they want to be there,
they'll be there. Another thing to point out, in a
situation like this and something so valuable, you
bringing a child into the world, you have knowledge of what
people have been for your entire time on earth.
In your mind, it can be almost a reservation, right?
Say you have a baby at 21. Your abuser was in your life for
21 years. And when I say abuser, it can be
physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, all of
that. That person was in your life for
21 years. You saw the patterns.
You saw what they did to you. You felt what they did for you.
Then you have a kid and yes, the yearning is there, but at the
same time, so is the knowledge if someone came into your life.
I'm not speaking for our situation.
This is just in general for someone who want to step up and
be like, Oh my gosh, like I love my my grandbabies or even just
my baby. I love my baby or I love my
friend, whatever. Whoever it is, you can't just
jump off the top of a mountain in someone's mind like that.
There's an ocean down there and they're jumping off a Cliff into
the deep end because they're safe.
When in reality, there's no water down there and it's just
desert land. You were out there so long, you
let the water dry up. To think that you can go and
just jump into somebody's life, it feels like you almost
deserved that. You got to rework.
And I actually told people in our lives they wanted to just
jump into a relationship immediately.
After very traumatic things that happened, you do not hike a
mountain and land at the top. You have to go up.
You have to go through the curves you have.
You have to build up there. You're not just going to land at
the top. I.
Think you used some really, really good examples sometimes
like whenever you explain something or when we explain
something in general, it's kind of difficult for people who
don't know or have never been in that situation to kind of
understand. It's good to like explain it in
a sense for those who who don't understand who haven't been
through what we have or to the extent of what we have.
Sometimes people are born and they have two parents that love
them and they have a great family and I'm so happy for
them. But other times there's children
who are born and they fight. For love their entire life,
their entire. Life just to be loved and not
necessarily just by family, because I do have I'm surrounded
today with family that love me and I love them and of.
Your choosing the narrative switched because now it's of
your choosing. Right.
Yeah. And, and now I'm able to have
such a good relationship with those who have been there for me
through the times where I wanted that affection from them.
But I had my family, but like on the other side of my family then
being there and picking me up every time the pieces fell down
so. That right there is revolution
and proof that God never truly leaves you alone.
I want to point that out very highly because we can sit here
and explain that missing and that yearning and that pain.
On the flip side, God always provided somebody in every
single circumstance. There was always love there.
But with that crystal ball effect that I explained,
sometimes it's harder for the person being affected to see
that around them. Can take them a lot longer, but
there's always people in your corner.
You just got to be more aware of the good and the bad.
And sometimes you feel alone. For instance, I felt so alone
when I was pregnant with Jaylee. I did it know it in that moment,
but now looking back on it, I'm like, Dang, I did have people.
Not a whole lot because I had. Quantity over quality, baby I.
Had one of my aunts. Who were there?
And I had some other family that was there for me.
And so like, yeah, definitely Adrian.
People think if you have like all these people and all these
friends and everything, that's what gets you through 1 valuable
meaningful relationship. It they say it takes one person,
one person to never give up on you in life.
One. It's not about having ten
friends. All these people calling all
these people hang out with that meaningful relationship and that
love will carry you a full lifetime.
That's not describing you can multiple people.
I'm just saying the impact of one person.
It takes one person to not give up on you.
Looking back on it, I had quite a few more of my family from
this side that was there for me. I didn't see it then, if you
ever. You had.
AI would just take a step back and be like, who's texting me?
Who's making sure I'm OK every single day?
Who's like, hey, like don't be sad, let's go out tonight.
Those are the ones that sometimes you don't see it or
realize it, that they're there for you, but they are there for
you or you have some somebody. And, and maybe not because
honestly, there's been times where I was alone and I was
definitely alone. Like I didn't have anybody take
reaching out to me and seeing if I was OK or anything like, and
everybody had gotten busy. And I also didn't have a phone
for two years, so nobody could reach out to me.
But that was a long time ago. Yeah, that's a whole.
That was like way way. That was when I was like 1516
years old. I didn't have.
Elaine was like literally just am IA.
Yeah, I didn't. Have nobody spoke about it?
Nobody said anything killing just like Mia, I'm like, what is
going on? So with that being said, we can
dive in on some more of all of this.
Let's start wrapping this one up so we can record another one.
Thank you guys so much for being back.
I know we were kind of all over the place with that one, but
we're so excited to be back and on the mic and sharing with you
guys and hopefully something resonates with you.
Like we've said, we're sharing our story because if someone's
going through anything, even if it's similar in the slightest
bit, you're not alone and you're not the only person that has
gone through it. I read my Bible and I've learned
through reading. I'm not the first person that's
endured it and I'm not going to be the last.
And whoever's listening, you're not going to be the first person
and you're not going to be the last.
So yeah, I just wanted to say that.
So we will see you guys in the next episode.
Thank you for joining us back. Thanks and also I had to keep
turning my light down because it was blinding me but.
Yeah. So next go get it under control.
Next one. Yeah, get it all.
I'll get it under control. That's why I kept kind of like I
was like I couldn't see the light was I thought you.
Were winking at me and I was like stop.
I know the light was so bright and I'm like like my.
Sister is just like really loving how I look tonight.
It's great. I'm like.
I'm like serious conversation, but I'm kind of like, yeah, I'm
yeah, that's. Good, that's good.
You lying. We will see you guys in the next
one.
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