When there’s no one to call

0:00 Hi. Hi, what up, Keelene? What's up, Adrian? I came in here all crazy. I'm like, what up, Keelene? She's like, what up? What's up? How are you? What up? What up homie? What up homie G Boo? When Keelene's son was younger, I always had him go, I'll be like peace. And I have a video and he goes all the way down. He goes peace. So hi guys. I know we kind of were gone there for a little bit. We took a little bit of a break, had a little bit of a quiet season. We're definitely going to start using more discernment on our behalf of knowing when to take breaks and stuff like that.

0:40 We'll keep you guys updated if we're not going to post or record or just whatever. That way you guys are also on the same page, which you can follow the Facebook page. We update everything on our Facebook page. It's called Ash has became Alters. So yeah, welcome back. We're so excited to have you guys back. We started the video and so we have that going on YouTube, which is super exciting. Yes, it's so exciting. I'm so happy. I'm so happy and I'm happy to be back, honestly. Yeah, me too, kind of left off on talking about.

1:11 We kind of went back to the States because in the beginning of the podcast we were still trying to figure out like our momentum, what we're going to talk about, things like that. And we flew through the States in those first two episodes. But that was the whole point of starting the podcast. This podcast is obviously we have so much to talk about, so going backwards isn't a hindrance. That's the whole point. We left off talking about the women that were brought into our lives while we were moving around a lot.

1:43 And because we did move around a lot, kind of just going and moving. And like, it's so easy to sit and speak about something that you went through to somebody or also listen to what someone else has gone through. But reliving it when you're speaking the depth of what you experienced emotionally, spiritually, physically, even in times is where everything kind of all ties into the foundation of this podcast too. Because I can sit here and tell Killeen I drink a Red Bull and my stomach hurts and she can be like, oh, man, and feel bad and everything like that, but she can't feel how my stomach feels.

2:19 So then if I explain it to her, it can give her more of a realization and she can kind of not, well, compare, I guess you can say, to a situation that she had gone through and be like, oh, you know, I'm putting myself in your shoes. Now that we're diving deeper on the podcast, that's what we're doing, essentially diving deeper into what stomach pain is like. Speaking of insanity, the past couple weeks I got my appendix taken out. So that was crazy, but it was super humbling experience and I had a couple weeks off work and just got a quiet season for the first time in my life, which was absolutely remarkable.

2:55 I've never been able to just sit and be. It was a really good season of rest for the first time in my life. Kayleen, what have you been up to? We've just been having back-to-back to back birthdays and then there's Father's Day mixed in it because Raiden was actually born on Father's Day. So it's like every single weekend, just the ending of June. And July is a very, very busy month for us. Like we are extremely busy the entire month. Yeah. July, then my birthday, Jared's birthday, both the kids birthday, Father's Day, It's it's just a busy month.

3:34 I'm so terrible at remembering birthdays. I literally have a notes of all the birthdays in my notes on my phones and I still forget. I forgot to tell her husband happy birthday. So that was awesome. But it is hard to remember birthdays definitely with so many people. I was going to fly to Kaylene's house for Raiden's birthday party. And then that whole thing happened with my appendix. And when I was at the ER, the doctor came in and said, it's your appendix. And I was like, Dang, that's a bummer.

4:05 I was like, so do I have to stay here? And the doctor's like, yeah, probably I was. Like sorry. I was just wondering if I could like go back to work or like what was happening. So yeah, that was a super humbling experience. And also with that whole quiet season thing, I explained I don't have a relationship with my parents. So seeing the people here in the community that I built out here in Arizona was so incredible. I'm giving so much gratitude to God because I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have people out here and the people that stepped up to help through that.

4:37 So that was absolutely awesome and I'm totally grateful for that. It's just good to have a lot of people to surround you that's positive and uplifting, especially going through something like that. I remember both my pregnancies and birth, like with Brayden and Jaylee. It's just good to have positivity around you during the, like, just times like that. Not saying like what you went through is anything similar because I was preparing for nine months that I was going to give birth. You kind of just like, went into it and they're like, oh, just so you know, you're having surgery.

5:12 I'm actually glad that you just said that because I was thinking about it today when I was trying to figure out what we were to talk about tonight. I was thinking about your pregnancy with your daughter for your first one. And I didn't know the depth of what you went through when you were pregnant. And I was just kind of thinking about everything we talked about over the years and just where you're at now as well. I was wondering, do you kind of want to talk about what it was like when you were pregnant and what it was like to not have parent to go to?

5:40 I know you had other sources. And that's where this podcast is so powerful because we lacked the most basic thing that most people have in their life. And that's just like a home parents to go to a foundation parent will love any of that. So you kind of, I don't want to say grasp because it's not grasping, but it makes you have admiration more for the people that step up, right? I just wanted to see if you want to talk about what it was like in calls that you made that didn't get answered and how it made you feel.

6:11 Honestly, it's also kind of one of the scariest things in your life. You are transitioning from being it just being you to now you and a baby, you know? So it's kind of a scary like thing at first, especially when you don't have that support around you and you don't have positivity, like uplifting you. It makes it even more scary in a way. I was going through a lot when I was pregnant, like mentally, emotionally, like physically, everything. I was going through a lot during that time. I didn't have anybody.

6:53 I, I, nobody understood the, the friends that I had had at that time, they either didn't have children or had never been pregnant before. So I didn't have anybody that like I could talk to that for one, that understood and for two, that was kind of giving me positive feedback. It was more of I, I felt like I was talking to everybody or I was talking to like certain people and they weren't really comprehending. And they're like, oh, wow, I'm sorry you're going through that. That's crazy. And then I'm like, they don't understand.

7:29 I think that it's very important to have somebody to talk to that has either been pregnant or kind of knows what you're going through. Trying to talk to friends who hadn't had babies or pregnancies prior while being pregnant, it was like a very difficult thing. And that was like one of my first transitions pregnancy was realizing that I have lost a lot of friends. I didn't have anybody to talk to. So I understand what you're saying about the friends, but I'm perverting to more so on the family dynamic of things.

8:05 A lot of people have their parents to go to, so I don't know if you want to go into detail. It's totally up to you about people that you had called that you wanted to talk to that just never showed up for you during one of the biggest moments of your entire life. That's I think that's why I was leaning so much onto the friend thing is because I didn't have any family to call. I didn't have any family to talk to, so at that time it felt like I only had my friends and then I eventually had lost those as well.

8:35 During that time, whenever I had found out I was pregnant, I would say if I could go back in time and change anything, I would have kept the pregnancy to myself and not have told anybody. With Ray Ray, the second time around, I kind of like did things a lot differently. And also, COVID was going around, so I kind of had an excuse to not really be around anybody. Well, not just an excuse, but I did not want to get sick. For one. I had Jay and she was just itty bitty. And then I was pregnant with Raiden during COVID.

9:14 I was very, very protective anytime anybody coughed, like, they're like, hey, can I come see the children? I'm like, yeah. Probably not. Anyways. Thanks for asking though. Yeah, Long story short, when I found out I was pregnant with Jay Lee, like I said, I said if I if I could go back, I probably wouldn't have told everybody. I literally told everybody. I was so excited. And I wish that I would have just kept that kind of to me and Jared and enjoyed it because I told everybody. Well, that's what a lot of people do when they get pregnant.

9:48 But with the circumstances of what you had already endured, and also because with what you're saying about friends, I didn't mean to cut you off. Here we go. I think a lot of our lives it we did resort to our friends more because that's all we had. Even if we had people that were present in our lives, they were present in a way that was so toxic and harmful for us as kids that friends felt like family. And then so the loss of a friend, I feel like could feel heavier to people like us that went through stuff like that.

10:19 Because your friends are on a whole different. It's not you're just, you're not just friends. Your friend is love, fun living and then you go home and you're dealing with XY and Z. So that friendship, it's so much more valuable. Valuable. Not that other people don't value their friends. That's not what I'm saying. It's just it was like having a good relationship or family at times. So I had called my family in Michigan. I had told then at 1st every excited I was excited but then I slowly was like going through emotions and I was happy.

10:52 I was pregnant and I was super excited and I loved my husband was on my heart and I was happy to have a baby with him and he was really the only one that I was able to lean on in like my first and 2nd trimester. I tried to reach out to one of my parents. I got shot down. I had so much happened when I was pregnant with Jaylee with everybody. I was being told that a whole bunch of different things in my ear that was negative and then I felt alone, extremely alone. The one person that I thought that would like understand more than anything is the one parent that I had called.

11:32 The response that I had gotten was kind of heartbreaking. I had called them one time and they answered and I kind of explained to them like, hey, I'm feeling really down. I'm feeling all these emotions. I was young, still young. I was trying to reach out like weeks after that and my phone calls were getting ignored and I was being told it was because they didn't have service where they live. And I just felt super alone. At that time. We were living with people, I mean, living with anybody's heart.

12:03 So I was going through things with that while also being pregnant. I can relate in the aspect of the no servicing, wanting to reach out to a parent for anything. It forms desperation because you want that. I had gone to call it at times there was no service, but anytime I went over there I had full bars. When I say desperation it forms in a way of me personally when I did something that was a bad decision and I had called them I did it out of desperation cuz I was like maybe this can help me connect with them cuz I was so desperate to grasp anything to get their attention in any form.

12:35 Any response I ever got was so negative. So trying to imagine dealing with that and having a child I genuinely killing. Don't even know like you are the strongest person that I know. Knowing the life that we had and you know what we dealt with I. Can't imagine because me and this parent had never been close before. It was kind of weird because as soon as I found out that I was pregnant, that was the only person I wanted, the only person I wanted to call, the only person that I felt like would understand.

13:04 Every time I reached out to them and I got shot down, a little bit of me kept breaking inside. I guess I had higher expectations because although like I wasn't really number one in their life and stuff like that. I was hoping that my daughter would have been because I'm like, babies aren't innocent. They're innocent beings and so. It brings this mentality because I can relate with you. We're sisters, got. No, I'm just kidding.

13:32 Don't know if we told you. It brings this mentality almost repetitively of what will be good enough. What? At what point will they want a relationship with me? At what point? Whether you're doing good or bad or whether you're having a trial success, anything like what can draw their eyesight to be like I'm so proud of you or I'm here for you or I went through this. When it comes to your pregnancy and hearing how you went through that alone, it honestly breaks my heart so much. That doesn't explain the depth of us not having relationships or if we did have relationships, they still weren't good.

14:09 That you're at a point where you're having your first child and your mentality instead of excitement and joy what you did have. There's also this side of could this be what gives me a relationship with the one person I always wanted? That is sad. It really is sad. Went to the extent of moving to Michigan for two years. Who would pack up and move their things with two young UNS and expect something's not going to work? Right. With the, you go there with the intentions of wanting it to work out. You don't move 13 hours away and think, yeah, I hope this fails.

14:45 With your whole family in jobs. Moving cost a lot of money. I mean when we were in Michigan, we moved like 3 or 4 times because they were only short term leases there. We spent a lot of money moving there and then six months moving, six months moving and then we found a year lease and then ended up moving back to North Carolina after the after that lease had ended because I made one last trying to reach out. And that was the last last time that we had really, we've really spoke. We haven't really spoke since then.

15:20 You can only put in so much effort and I wanted it so bad for so long. And I tried everything. I tried reaching out, I tried texting. I literally told my husband, hey, let's move. But with that being said, I did want to mention like my pregnancy was rough area was wonderful during my pregnancy. He was there for me. It's just he was working a lot and he was trying to get money because we were living with his family members. So we were trying to get money so that way we could get get our own place before Jaylee was born.

15:55 But that being said, I did feel really, really alone during that time. Going back and looking back on everything. I did have my family in North Carolina that was there for me. I don't want to say I didn't have anybody. The one person that I did want wasn't there. So it kind of felt like more empty and then I. Had so much has gone through my mind right now his. Family on the other side of things, I'm like. So two things I want to touch on. First thing, Kayleen has a family she was still searching for, like that home feeling of a parent.

16:30 I'm saying that because it expresses the depth of that yearning. It also goes with what you just said about having other people. I explained this recently because I was really thinking about it because something happened recently and it kind of threw me off my equilibrium. Like highly it normally does, but there are certain people that you have that yearning for so deeply in your heart and soul. That person has the ability to hold a ball in their hand and it has a switch on it. Then even just texting back because of your yearning of that relationship that you want that a simple K, even if it's rude, it's like, Oh well, they text me back at something.

17:03 It can light up and good. It's not just bad. It has the power to light up your entire world that day or however long that hope can drag on for 10 weeks, 10 months, 10 years, that's all you've ever wanted. But they also have the capability to flip the light switch off and make the room dark again. Because whether that light switch is on or off, they're still people surrounding you. It's just that person has the capability to make you feel like you're in a dark room, even though you have people outside your house, in your house.

17:34 House meaning in your life. I think over the years it's taught me a lot because I literally all I ever looked at was that ball. That ball was all I wanted in my entire life and through all the moves and all the chaos and all the addictions, all the abuse myself, others were just so much of it. Everything, Everywhere, all the time and anything that could go along those lines you can put in there because we were exposed to a lot. I'm not saying everything, but you can put a lot of things in the blanks.

18:02 That being said, I'm going to share something too because healing and I both had that yearning. I think I don't want to speak for you. I do. I do want to say really quick, I didn't have that because I was with the other parent for so long and we had that bond. That yearning kind of started when I found out I was pregnant. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, that's what I wanted. That's when I really like was like because we had never been close. We some. Reason it's different, but yeah, mother.

18:32 Figure yes, like we didn't talk or anything like we were never close at all. We exchanged maybe a few texts here and there over the span of like 10 years do. You feel like you've experienced that though with a certain person or do you feel like I kind of just categorized us? No, I, I feel like when I found out I was pregnant, I really wanted that one person. I, I, everything kind of started making sense, like I'm going to be what you are to me. But like I said, we had never been close so it didn't like.

19:08 You really weren't I'm not sorry that I was not even rude the way I said that, but like looking back at everything we. Just never had that. I bond that that. I can, yeah, I can genuinely see where gained a bond to the other parent because at least they were there. Circumstances were dropped here. When somebody is there, their presence is still there. And I've explained it before, but it's like at a job, you can dislike a person so much. You've ever had a Co worker that you just did not like for some reason?

19:38 You don't have an explanation. You're just like, I don't like, like this person. But when they leave the job, it still feels like something's missing. And I was going to share. I was going to share something about us, actually. Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. No, you're fine. Keeling. Do not apologize. Let's have a competition if you can interrupt 2 more because I'm queen, I thought. I.

19:58 Don't know. I'm listening to previous episodes. I'm like, wow, Lee, wow. I do not let her talk, do I? But we're supposed to do that. There you go. Thanks, Killeen. Heck yeah. Anyways, So what were you making pregnant? No, I'm just going. What were you making pregnant? No, no, I love it. That's so. Funny, something serious. And I'm like. I look, I'm like in a deep, deep sentence. And I look over on your side of the computer and you're just like, you're like talking to the wall. You're like, yeah, yeah.

20:32 But something I was going to share because so when Killeen got pregnant with Ray, I booked a trip to North Carolina because she was living in North Carolina at the time. I did not have a relationship with. And shoe. There you go there you go What are we doing? Hello. I didn't have a relationship with Sock and shoe at the time. So when I went to Killeen's house, I worked at a factory so we got time off we'd get like 2 weeks off for the 4th of July. It's just like the ups and downs of the peace rate factories over there.

21:00 I booked my trip or whatever and I go down there Well then all of a sudden Sock and Shoe want to go down there and I think I had been there for I was supposed to be there at Killeen's house for two weeks. They wanted to come no matter how much I endured with them. And even though I was not talking to them, they wanted to come and they said they don't want to come if I was there. I booked a trip back to Indiana because I wanted Ray. Ray was just born. I was not going to rob for one Killeen of that experience of Oh my gosh, they want to come see him.

21:29 Like they want to come see Killeen and be there for her. I'm not going to be the one to rob you from that. Secondly, I didn't feel emotionally safe to even be there anyways. If they were coming, The pressure that was put on me at that time, because it's like, if Adrian's there, we're not coming and I'm sitting here looking at my baby nephew. I got robbed of the rest of that time. I ended up texting one of my good friends and said, hey, I didn't say anything that happened in North Carolina or anything like that.

21:53 I was just like, hey, I'm booking a trip back to Indiana. You want to book a random trip? So we, I flew to Indiana and then me and one of my friends booked a flight to Utah and then I went and explored out there. I got so upset because while I, I had went to Utah, I think we were in Utah for like 4 days. And then we went to Vegas for our last night. And I think it was when either our last night in Utah, I'm pretty sure it was our last night in Utah, or either when we me and my friend had went to Vegas.

22:18 I got a call from you. Sock and shoe had up and left your house. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying is they had the capability for that time. Like this is different states, guys. This isn't like we're 5 minutes from each other and I can just come back. So I don't know if you want to go in detail with any of that, but the point is, is they up and left Kaylene's house. I don't even know how much more time would have been like in that time frame that I could have been there, but I was so upset that they had did that to like there was still time for sure.

22:53 And I was so upset. I'm like, I could have stayed there. Like I literally booked a whole flight and I was so hurt. So I want to just, my thing was like, go have fun explorer, Yolo, you only live once, whatever. And I had texted one of them when I was in Vegas and said, can I come see you at your house when we all get back to Michigan or whatever. And they said no. And then I got absolutely sloshed. I just I literally drank a whole bottle. I have a pictures standing in front of a window chugging a bottle of alcohol.

23:26 I had drank a whole bottle before I even left the hotel room that night and end up blacking out and I woke up under a tree the next morning because I just my coping was drinking. The pain that came with that switch was so powerful. I just that alcohol was my suicide at the time. So where my side of what happened with that? Because I do feel like I got so robbed of that time. Like I said, we didn't live 5 minutes from each other. I didn't get that time with Ray. It's not like I could go and see him again or have that time.

23:56 I was going to have to book a whole other. Yeah, he literally he was a newborn. I remember because. I was like, just gave birth and I'm like. And I remember I was laying in bed with you and Bray was crying and I remember laying there and I was trying so hard to stay awake with you. And I was like, I don't know how she does this. So like he was a newborn and I was, I had hadn't really been around kids that much. I had been around kids, not a newborn. Yeah. So I was like, trying. I, I've been around kids, but I hadn't been around newborns.

24:28 Oh, yeah. So staying with my sister with a newborn was so nude to me. And I just didn't know what to do. And I felt so guilty because the one night when Ray was crying, I was trying so hard to stay awake and then killing how to get up. But if you want, you can share more about that experience and kind of how it made you feel. But you don't have to if you don't want to. I'm going to explain it like this. So I'm not like using names or specific like things, but like picture you just had a baby. If you can't have a baby, whatever, but picture you had just had a baby and family from other states want to come see you.

25:01 1 doesn't want to come if the other one's coming. So you have to like kind of playing around that that you know, but but like this one doesn't really care will come whenever just wants to see the baby. This one doesn't really care. So they're planning around like everybody else's schedule. Like you were saying, I'm like, OK, y'all can come and then so and so is going to leave. Y'all can come and then no, you came first right here. Because one of my friends. And then y'all can come after they they leave they're supposed to stay for like I think it was 7 days.

25:42 And on the 3rd or 4th day they just get up and they're like we're leaving out of I'm not kidding you out of nowhere. Jared and I are like what? They end up literally just like we're leaving leaves. I'm like, OK, well, that's. Mind you, this is from North Carolina all the way back to Michigan. It's not like a. Yeah, like a 10/11 hour drive. I'll just explain what, how I felt afterward. I was like confused. I I was like, OK, I was like, I just. Had a but in. I literally like Raiden was not even a week I think.

26:24 Raiden was just born when I had got there. I can't remember because I bought him a newborn. I bought him a little Nike thing, but was the first. How was the first couple days? Like did it, did you feel it was so good that you felt it fulfilled? And then just out of nowhere, it was like. It was out of nowhere. It was, it was everything was going really, really good. I was supposed to go out with a certain person. Yeah. Anyways, so yeah, I had a day planned with somebody. That day was kind of like ruined because they just like got up left and I'm just sitting there like OK, like confused.

27:01 They said that it was because a storm was coming and Jared and I had looked and that storm wasn't supposed to come like till like 8:00 and it they had left like 10:00 in the morning. I'm just like, honestly, I should have like stopped then, but no, I kept going. I kept wanting a relationship. I ended up visiting I think one more time, end up moving there and it's just like I had to get knocked down, knocked down, knocked down, knocked down till I couldn't tell I there's like no more getting up. Like I was like, and like I said, we weren't never really close.

27:38 I was really doing it for the kids. I wanted them. I want them to know all of their family. Can't force anybody to be in my baby's lives. And everybody knows my phone number. I don't have a single person blocked on my phone, which I mean I could show but I don't have a single. Person I was like, no way she's going to show her block. Yeah, honestly, I'm good. No, don't. Don't. I think it's no, we're not. Because what I was. Being this podcast, we actually we're building up to show you guys who we have blogged.

28:08 No, I know, right? I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. It also came with manipulation though. And they're the ones up and leave and then you're the one that's robbing them of time. I'm gonna I'm gonna share a quick little story memory for me story for you about the intensity of the manipulation that I went through. This is going to get a little deep. I moved out of sock and shoes house when I was 17 years old. Legally you're allowed to do that and then I don't know if that's for other states. So if anybody's listening to this and they are thinking about moving or emancipation or anything like that, get legal guidance.

28:41 Do not follow this podcast. I was younger and I got my information from my sources at the time. So I just want to make that very clear what stuff like that. Seek guidance in elders and situations. Don't tell your friends about it. Don't go because your friends definitely at a young age can steer you right, but they can also steer you wrong. So always seek guidance with even if you're in school, go to your guidance counselor, whatever you need to do. So with that being said, I had an apartment at 17.

29:14 That's a whole story in itself. I didn't have a vehicle at the time and you cannot get your license until you're 18. So I was walking from my apartment to McDonald's in the town next to my town, and it was on the highway. So I would walk two hours. They're two hours back making like $7.00 an hour. And then I worked at a pizza place in my town. So then I would get ready work there and vice versa. And I did that for a while. It's a whole story. I got very close with the people at the pizza place. And I'll go more in detail with this because that is a blessing from God and looking back, I did not know what was in front of me.

29:50 With that being said, they bought me a bike. They surprised me one day, bought me a bike so I could bike to work and get where I needed. Mind you, at this time I'm still in high school, so I'm taking my laptop doing it there. I started doing online graduation comes for high school, but I also had enlisted in the military. My reasoning for enlisting in the military was not pure for what it should be when you are enlisting to serve the country. My reasoning was for a purpose and to get away from my life.

30:18 And so it kind of backfired on me because I just wasn't mentally in the right state of mind to be doing something like that at the time when I enlisted. I'll go more in detail with all of this. But with that being said, I'm I graduated high school and I also went to basic training. So people, they are big accomplishments, but when I did it, it was even bigger because we had all of this behind us. All this homelessness before graduating, sleeping at a park before graduating, being hungry before graduating, all of these things that I can't even put into words to help someone understand.

30:53 I had met a friend and he was very important to me at the time. I did not treat him very well because I didn't know how to react to anything that was happening around me. Everything was so bad. I was still dealing with hospital visits and certain people still like mentally abusing me and also at certain times putting their hands on me, trying to balance that, trying to have an apartment, trying to Graduate School. I was helping a friend take care of her kid. It was insanity. But I had this friend that I met and we, I, I absolutely loved him and I'm not going to say his name and that anyone who knows me knows who I'm referring to, but that was an incredible person that didn't deserve the way that I treated him at that time.

31:34 He took me to the airport. Killeen was actually there when I went to basic training with my friends and he was there for the pizza parlor Family threw me a going away party for basic training and also a high school graduation, Sock and Shoe had said. They were throwing me a graduation party and a going away party and I was so excited because I was like, Oh my gosh, like that. What? Like they're doing this for me? Even if it was just them, I didn't care. It was, it was so incredible and it was such a big accomplishment to me because what I had thought through, I will never forget.

32:07 I called one of the people that I needed to sign for my license because I was walking in the snow. I was riding my bike in the rain, all the weather. I was walking, riding my bike and I called him and I begged them to sign for my license. I'm like, listen, I know you don't want anything to do with me. I just need your help so I don't have to walk to work anymore and do all this. I will never forget. I was sitting at the Dollar General in that little town. I was going back and forth with this person on the phone and they told me no.

32:33 And I sat there for hours. I'm not even exaggerating. I sat there for hours after the phone conversation, bawling and listening to fight song. This is my fight. And I was like sitting there trying to get everything in me to have the strength to keep going and keep fighting. Because at that point I'm like, what's the point of graduating? What's the point of fighting to go through basic? What's the point of anything? Because what am I fighting for? I don't have anything to fight for. But I sat there and I got my mind together and I did it.

33:00 I graduated and I'm building up the story to get to the point. So this person even for my high school graduation, decorated his whole entire truck took me and everything like that. And we had went to a little restaurant. There was only like a few restaurants in that Old Town. It was super small. Lord behold, after my graduation, sock and shoe are there. I did walk up and I made a comment and I said F family. I was absolutely livid. Kayleen had shut up to my graduation too and something had happened with her and I was also defending her through that.

33:31 So I had, I walked up to them directly. I saw them at the booth and I said F family. I will always take accountability for what I did in situations. I put the seed in that situation and the seed grew faster than I knew what to do with it. It's like, it's like I planted young. I mean. It's like I planted a pumpkin and they like sprouted drastically in a matter of seconds because I don't know if you know if you plant a pumpkin like it grows throughout your whole yard like pumpkins everywhere. That's the only way I can explain how fast that that escalated.

34:01 I thought in my wonderful mind at that beautiful teenage years that going up and making that comment, I was going to walk away with no consequences. We ended up going outside. One of them starts screaming at me that I'm nothing but white trash and I'm never going to be anything. And I was watching the other. I'm like, you're not going to say anything. They just quietly got in the vehicle, didn't say anything. And my friend at the time was defending me. And it's the only person that ever stood up for me with the I'm going to refer to it as my abuser.

34:36 And that's just what it is. That was the only person that stood up to me, to my abuser. The people in the situation said if you were with him you will never have a relationship with us. My one desire in life was to have a relationship with those people. So I never let my guard down to be able to be without my first love, my first genuine, genuine love. The other loves were confused, confusion and I didn't know what I was doing and I was just so confused. This person, I loved him, me and him ended up falling off because of honestly because of me.

35:12 This wasn't able to have the capacity to be who he needed me to be at the time. A couple years passed and I was at work and I ended up finding out that he had passed away in a car accident. I thought I had been through it all and we didn't even have like a relationship friendship at the time. We would message here and there. I was a wreck. I was going home. I was living with a roommate, and a little bit after he had passed away, my roommate came up to me and said, can I ask you something? And I was like, yeah.

35:40 And she was like, did you even know him? And I was like, why would you ask me that? Sock and Shoe had pulled her aside and said that I didn't even know him. The manipulation of that alone put that into the four years that I lived with him. I went freezy just that alone. I can talk about it now. Obviously it takes you got to take time to heal and everything like that. I wouldn't have been able to talk about this 5-6 years ago, but the manipulation of that alone, I had to sit there. I pulled out my letters from Basic, I pulled out my pictures with him and I was like, I knew him.

36:17 The fact that they would sit there and say that I didn't even know somebody that passed away, The manipulation that that is is absolutely insane. And I my reality was so confused for so long because of how the manipulation was. I'm piggybacking off of killing with her experience, even with her kids, because you cannot take a situation. If I go to your house, I fly there and you're like, yes, you can stay here for six days, but by set the 7th day you need to leave. Even if you say it like that, what you didn't, that's simple.

36:49 You're there if you don't want to be there, OK? To uproot caused this whole illusion of something starting something and then coming back and saying that we don't have, like it's your fault. The opportunity for me and Kayleen, it's been there. It was there. I won't say it's there anymore, but for our entire time walking on this earth, whether you had a relationship or only talked once in a while, your foundation was still always there. If people reached out to you, no matter what you, it was still sitting there.

37:25 You're like, OK, you they could always walk on your grounding, but anytime you wanted to walk over there, it was a Cliff. Right. You're not going to come over here unless I make a It's like they it's like they had the capacity to build this island over there. You had your island and they would build a tiny, tiny like inch stud. OK, you can walk. They, they gave you enough trust that you start walking and you start trusting. But once you're like, you start getting a little farther, the wood starts shaking and then, well, it's your fault.

37:58 Why would you walk across the stud? But they're over there standing there with a screw gun, nailing it in, making you think it's sturdy to walk on. Little do you know they're over there and they're unscrewing it at the same time. My whole point is trying to bring a child into the world and having that desire because I think any person that bears a child in their womb, even the dad, you want your family there for that. That is a huge thing because it starts bringing up things. But I think a lot of people lack the knowledge that sometimes people need time for themselves.

38:31 Somebody doesn't talk for two weeks. It's so easy to be like, oh it's because of me and simply they just need a reset. And we've both kind of shared like different things that we had went through, but similar like either outcomes or and stuff like that, whether or not it is just for their grandchildren or like your babies. And in general, you cannot force somebody to either be in your life and you can't force somebody to be in your kids life. If they want to be there, they'll be there. Another thing to point out, in a situation like this and something so valuable, you bringing a child into the world, you have knowledge of what people have been for your entire time on earth.

39:15 In your mind, it can be almost a reservation, right? Say you have a baby at 21. Your abuser was in your life for 21 years. And when I say abuser, it can be physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, all of that. That person was in your life for 21 years. You saw the patterns. You saw what they did to you. You felt what they did for you. Then you have a kid and yes, the yearning is there, but at the same time, so is the knowledge if someone came into your life. I'm not speaking for our situation.

39:45 This is just in general for someone who want to step up and be like, Oh my gosh, like I love my my grandbabies or even just my baby. I love my baby or I love my friend, whatever. Whoever it is, you can't just jump off the top of a mountain in someone's mind like that. There's an ocean down there and they're jumping off a Cliff into the deep end because they're safe. When in reality, there's no water down there and it's just desert land. You were out there so long, you let the water dry up. To think that you can go and just jump into somebody's life, it feels like you almost deserved that.

40:17 You got to rework. And I actually told people in our lives they wanted to just jump into a relationship immediately. After very traumatic things that happened, you do not hike a mountain and land at the top. You have to go up. You have to go through the curves you have. You have to build up there. You're not just going to land at the top. I. Think you used some really, really good examples sometimes like whenever you explain something or when we explain something in general, it's kind of difficult for people who don't know or have never been in that situation to kind of understand.

40:50 It's good to like explain it in a sense for those who who don't understand who haven't been through what we have or to the extent of what we have. Sometimes people are born and they have two parents that love them and they have a great family and I'm so happy for them. But other times there's children who are born and they fight. For love their entire life, their entire. Life just to be loved and not necessarily just by family, because I do have I'm surrounded today with family that love me and I love them and of.

41:30 Your choosing the narrative switched because now it's of your choosing. Right. Yeah. And, and now I'm able to have such a good relationship with those who have been there for me through the times where I wanted that affection from them. But I had my family, but like on the other side of my family then being there and picking me up every time the pieces fell down so. That right there is revolution and proof that God never truly leaves you alone. I want to point that out very highly because we can sit here and explain that missing and that yearning and that pain.

42:18 On the flip side, God always provided somebody in every single circumstance. There was always love there. But with that crystal ball effect that I explained, sometimes it's harder for the person being affected to see that around them. Can take them a lot longer, but there's always people in your corner. You just got to be more aware of the good and the bad. And sometimes you feel alone. For instance, I felt so alone when I was pregnant with Jaylee. I did it know it in that moment, but now looking back on it, I'm like, Dang, I did have people.

42:54 Not a whole lot because I had. Quantity over quality, baby I. Had one of my aunts. Who were there? And I had some other family that was there for me. And so like, yeah, definitely Adrian. People think if you have like all these people and all these friends and everything, that's what gets you through 1 valuable meaningful relationship. It they say it takes one person, one person to never give up on you in life. One. It's not about having ten friends. All these people calling all these people hang out with that meaningful relationship and that love will carry you a full lifetime.

43:34 That's not describing you can multiple people. I'm just saying the impact of one person. It takes one person to not give up on you. Looking back on it, I had quite a few more of my family from this side that was there for me. I didn't see it then, if you ever. You had. AI would just take a step back and be like, who's texting me? Who's making sure I'm OK every single day? Who's like, hey, like don't be sad, let's go out tonight. Those are the ones that sometimes you don't see it or realize it, that they're there for you, but they are there for you or you have some somebody.

44:11 And, and maybe not because honestly, there's been times where I was alone and I was definitely alone. Like I didn't have anybody take reaching out to me and seeing if I was OK or anything like, and everybody had gotten busy. And I also didn't have a phone for two years, so nobody could reach out to me. But that was a long time ago. Yeah, that's a whole. That was like way way. That was when I was like 1516 years old. I didn't have. Elaine was like literally just am IA. Yeah, I didn't. Have nobody spoke about it?

44:41 Nobody said anything killing just like Mia, I'm like, what is going on? So with that being said, we can dive in on some more of all of this. Let's start wrapping this one up so we can record another one. Thank you guys so much for being back. I know we were kind of all over the place with that one, but we're so excited to be back and on the mic and sharing with you guys and hopefully something resonates with you. Like we've said, we're sharing our story because if someone's going through anything, even if it's similar in the slightest bit, you're not alone and you're not the only person that has gone through it.

45:15 I read my Bible and I've learned through reading. I'm not the first person that's endured it and I'm not going to be the last. And whoever's listening, you're not going to be the first person and you're not going to be the last. So yeah, I just wanted to say that. So we will see you guys in the next episode. Thank you for joining us back. Thanks and also I had to keep turning my light down because it was blinding me but. Yeah. So next go get it under control. Next one. Yeah, get it all. I'll get it under control.

45:42 That's why I kept kind of like I was like I couldn't see the light was I thought you. Were winking at me and I was like stop. I know the light was so bright and I'm like like my. Sister is just like really loving how I look tonight. It's great. I'm like.

46:00 I'm like serious conversation, but I'm kind of like, yeah, I'm yeah, that's. Good, that's good. You lying. We will see you guys in the next one.