Too many "moms" in too many states

0:00 Hi, welcome back. And we reiterated basically everything from all the audio that we have recorded previously. So welcome back. And Killian, Are you ready to get triggered with me or what?

0:12 Yes. Let's I'm going to be over in the corner crying when you guys don't know where I'm at. I'm going to be over there backwards with my hand on the wall crying, 'cause I'm a crying. No, honestly. Literally. The crybaby. I'm such a crybaby. It's so bad me. Too.

0:30 No, Keeling kept it so real with that saving a person stuff because I feel like as a kid there was so many times I carried so much guilt for what was happening around us and I just felt like we were part of it because we were there. Yeah, I. Don't know how to say I'm sorry enough to people. Right. And I feel like this is going to be a lot in one sentence. I feel like as a child you want to make sure your parents are OK, but when you see your parents hurting another human, then you want to make sure they're OK.

1:09 So in a child's mind, you just want everybody to be happy. So when there's multiple people unhappy, you don't know how to fix it. And as a child, I feel like in your mind, what in my mind anyways may not be in everybody else's mind, I wanted to fix it. I'm like, how can I fix this to make sure everybody's happy again, whether that be both parents, step parents, girlfriend, boyfriends coming in, whatever family members, friends that are coming over, you see them unhappy. You don't know why they're unhappy.

1:48 You just want to fix it. You're like, what can I do? So it's a lot of weight on a child at that age, which when I was at about 9:00 when all this started happening for me. And sometimes you can't fix it. And sometimes it's a hard reality to be like, I can't make everybody happy. I can't fix everything. I can't say sorry to every human that my parent made upset. I can't fix my parents. I can't. I can't. There's just a lot like as a child, I'm just saying when I was a child, I wanted to fix everything and I had to learn the hard way.

2:38 Whatever you do, whatever you say, you cannot fix that. That's a hard like pill to swallow for whatever you're going through for some. People, you know, I wanted to apologize to so many people growing up because of what was happening around us and there were so many people in and out. There was one time when I remember she was gone, that's when people start getting brought in and out a lot. And I feel like there was a lot of times where it's like this is no, no mommy. And I'm like, I was kind of the one that was like, that is not our mom.

3:23 Yeah. I'm like, that is not our mom. If if I called every person mommy, I'd have like 20 mommies. I I just became very blunt. I think when I was younger, I became very straightforward because I'm like, dude, you are not a mom. And I felt always felt bad because the person that was being brought into our life, it almost seemed like I was attacking them as an individual. But there's all this stuff behind that they haven't seen. So to them it could be how do I get through to Adrian? How this? And it's like, it's not that it has anything necessarily to do with you.

4:00 You just unfortunately are the one that's caught in the crossfire. You're like walking across the train track that's been going. Yeah, I feel like for me, mine and Adrian's healing journey has looked different, very, very different. Like for me, becoming a mom, I healed in a lot of ways that I never thought was possible because whenever I see my babies, I want to do everything I can to protect, love, prevent them from anything. And maybe too much like, like if you know me as a parent, I'm I'm very like, I, I'm scared to leave the house.

4:48 I don't want to take them to grocery stores. I I'm very scared to take them out in public. I, I just always feel like danger. I whether you're the nicest person ever. I, I look at everybody as like danger immediately I'm like, and until we talk and then my guard will come down. But sometimes people have their guards down and then there's red flags. It'll come up for me. My guards up all the time, all the time. And, and then when I realized, oh, OK, they're not bad, then it comes down. People are, some people are different.

5:30 They, they don't have a guard. Then they, they're like, oh, red flag guard. No, my, my guard is always up, whether it's the dentist, the doctor, teacher, friends, family, my guards up. I, I'm doing everything I can to prevent what I went through. And I have to understand my kids are going to go through their own experience. That could stem too from you never being protected from anything or anyone and meeting protecting from the people that were supposed to protect you. I mean, that plays a huge part of it, honestly.

6:10 Yeah. There can be so much hope when it comes to parents and anything like that. Now that you know the parent that you are, like we've said before, there can be just so much hope. Your mind can produce so much hope when it comes to someone that you love. When you know that it's toxic, you know that it's bad. You can find good. It's being aware of the toxicity because Killeen, I hear what you're saying, but at the same time, your mind may be in that fight or flight. And I don't want to necessarily use fight or flight because I, I just don't like to throw that around.

6:47 But at the same time, you went through so much. There is all this danger in the world is scary and it is dangerous. Obviously we know that first hand. But at the same time, when you do walk into a grocery store, if you are aware, you know, there's a difference between aware and danger because there's not going to be danger everywhere, but there is danger. But there is also being aware that there could be danger. You know what I'm saying and I just want to say I'm proud of you because I know I've walked this journey with you and I've seen how far you've grown and how far you've come.

7:20 So I just want to say that you have come a really long way and I know that, you know, life was not easy. That goes to say with what I'm saying about hope. I know that I carried a ton of hope, even with sock and shoe after everything that happened because when I moved across the country, I had one of my best friend's weddings and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. And I was out here for two years before I went back, ever went back. In that two years, I had worked so much on myself and in my mind I was thinking that just because I was growing, so was the other people.

7:55 But in reality, I had called certain people and said, hey, let's get dinner. But at the same time, I was in a wedding. I had so much to do with my first time back in two years. I have good friends there and I had called and scheduled to dinner because I was going to do it in a public place. Unfortunately, I was going to be in like 3 different states I think that day. I cannot remember off the top of my head, but I there was just no time. I was flying in going out of like an hour or something for the bridal shower going back.

8:24 It was just so chaotic when you go back to travel somewhere and I had called talking to you and I'm like I cannot make it to that dinner. There's just no way we can pick a different day to do it. I was at work on break, I had my Co worker in the car with me and I was so embarrassed because she saw this complete absolute breakdown. When I got on the phone with Sock, I felt everything I had felt my entire life of knowing that person and that six minute phone call. They started cussing and screaming and I started getting mad and I started saying you're the reason I'm here.

9:04 Like you are the reason that I'm across the country and I found myself in a place where I was reacting how I used to react and I realized that's a relationship I can't have. If you're going to take me back after not seeing you for years, one phone conversation takes me back. I can't have that with you because you're bringing out something of me that I haven't healed yet. So the I felt like that hope that I had built in two years diminished right in front of me in a car parking lot and my work parking lot.

9:35 It just completely diminished because when it comes to parents, the majority of parents do everything they can for their kids. But at the same time, I want to go back to the states because I feel like we kind of flew through the States and the first couple episodes when we moved around to a bunch of states because that's where everything started. Like that's not to point out one person, but that moving around in chaos, that is where everything started. It didn't just start when we were 16. It didn't just start when we were 10.

10:06 It started almost immediately because 2 broken people came together, which is fine, but at the same time, when kids are involved, it does change the dynamic a little bit. You're still going to be broken, but your pieces are going to be broken. But at a certain point you have to lift up the people around you with your broken pieces. That way they don't shatter to or step on it. Right. There's got to be a level of, and so we're going around to all these States and then really, yes, there was good and we wanted to focus on that because there was, but there was also random women being brought in all the time there.

10:45 Every state we moved to, it was another random woman. And not to discredit them as women or people because I truly believe like deception and everything could have been involved as a kid. You're trying to wrap your head around what's happening as it is. But I was definitely more straightforward in the fact don't do this. I would I would talk to some of them honestly and say, hey, you know, don't do this. Like it's not what you think. I remember one time when we were in Texas with that woman, what was happening in the dark came to light.

11:15 And I remember sitting in the back seat of her car and she started screaming at us. I remember I just sat there and bowled because I'm like, I don't even want to be a part of this. And now I have another random person screaming at us, not just me, but us as a whole. But we're all getting attacked all the time. So it's like not all the time, but you know, in situations. And it became this, you start questioning yourself as a whole human being because you're a part of something that you don't even want to be a part of in the 1st place.

11:43 You have no choice but to be there because you're kids, wherever you're getting taken, you're kind of getting taken. I just feel like, you know, not that we got blamed for anything, but we were part of it and it's super unfortunate. Right. And every, every situation that we had gotten brought in into, every woman was different. Some was caring and loving and nurturing and then some they were, they were mad and they took, they did, they took it out on us. They they were like you, this, you that and we're getting yelled at.

12:14 We're kids. We don't, we don't know what's going on. We have this woman taking care of us. Then we've got somebody yelling at us and we're like, we don't even know you right? Why are you so mad for one, for two to take it out on kids? It's it's not their fault. And I understand the pain that can come with it because we know behind the scenes what was going on. So I can understand being 28 years old and sitting here, if I was in that position, that would be a lot for me. But I know in myself I would never take it out on a child.

12:53 Right. With that being said, though, we're not pointing out the women, that they were the problem or anything like that. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that so many people got brought in that at a certain point I had a point. I was like, don't do this, don't care what you have to do. Don't do it because and I'm also I'm not calling you mommy because and. Their emotions were what's that word like validated? Not validated, but they were like. And we don't know what's happening behind closed doors as well.

13:30 We don't know what they were going through, what they were being told, any of that. I think we're at a point where we're struggling because there's so much we want to say without saying it, and it's hard to not say it on here. It's easier for me and Kelly to call each other, obviously, and talk about certain things. But at the same time, I want to make it very clear that we're not pointing out the women and we're not trying to degrade them or anything like that. But because of what was happening, it was so intense.

13:55 When situations are intense and there's so much intensity, Imagine if you were on an island for two months and you had no phone. I literally have Love Island in the back of my head. You have no phone. You're limited to what you have someone else's choosing for you. All you have is the people that you're on the island would say it's 10 people. Your emotions are going to get intensified. You have no outlet to the outer world, outside world. You have no communication. You don't know what's going to happen next.

14:31 You're constantly on guard. It's a traumatic experience that it that's basically what all of this was. Your feelings are so intensified that nobody knows how to react. And it seems like drama or if someone's overreacting, but in reality, they're overreacting because the intensity of their emotions are so high because of what's happening and they never know what's going to happen next. Am I going to be here tomorrow? Like if anybody's ever seen Love Island when they get kicked off the island, it's sad to watch when someone leaves the island.

15:04 And it's like you're going to see them when you get off the island, but you're watching it and they're playing the sad music and all the stuff. The feelings are so intensified and you're even feeling it with them. Right. Because they're secluded from everything. And it goes to say with these situations, looking back, I'm aware now because it was so intensified because of what was happening, but bringing a bunch of random people in and out was so confusing. Also, when you're dealing with the void of abandonment from another person trying to fill those voids, it was almost confusing because you're getting a rollback into your life where you're already struggling with it as a kid.

15:45 You're already confused. You're already abandoned. You're already whatever you want to say and put your own words into that. Then you get exactly what you want. And someone wants to step up. And it's one day, someone sit in a chair. Yeah, call them. And they're like, yeah, call them mommy. And you're like, this is exactly what I wanted. But at the same time, I'm so confused because it's so confusing as a kid. And you have to like have this constant like battle going on in your own mind because you have what you want sitting right in front of you, but it's not who you want.

16:18 And it's like a constant. And now you're having to re meet people, re meet their kids, meet their families, live in a different state, learn the area. I stopped caring about directions. Everyone in my life. I always used GPS. They know that it's because we moved around so much. I don't care to know the roads. I stopped caring because we moved around so much. I didn't care to learn. This is north, this is South. Take a right on wex road. Whatever. I I stopped caring because why would I learn something when I know I'm not going to stay there?

16:47 So I've been trying to break myself out of that habit even because now I'm stable where I'm at. I actually like have been learning the roads where I live for the first time.

16:59 Me too, honestly. They're so just chaotic, unstable. Honestly, I'm just saying most if if not all they want their parents together. If not together, they want their mom and they want their dad. When you have your mom or, or you have your dad and you don't have the other parent and then you have somebody else trying to come in there, fill that void. Sometimes for for me, I'll speak for myself. I was so happy. I was like, this is what I wanted. I wanted like a mom to cook me dinner and when I got home from school, like make me a snack or this and that.

17:44 But then I'm like, it made me miss my mom. And even with my dad, there's certain aspects where I'm like, Dang, I wish my, I had my dad. You know, I'm not saying that we had like awful parents or even like Adrian was saying the, the women that was coming in or out. It's not their fault either. They, they, I, I truly and honestly think that they did the best that they. Could yeah are same. And. Kaylene, did you actually wonder? Sorry, go ahead. No, no, it's OK. I I pause and then I say something and.

18:26 Did you ever wonder as a kid how we moved? So many say it so quickly. Yeah, the money, financial right of it, the car, the transportation, having three kids, right. I'm like bro, I I can't even go on vacation like but once a year I'm like. How do you get these new places now that I'm older? I'm like, how was your credit it? It it's so. Bizarre to think about. Literally bizarre. And we have the answer for that. But Lord have mercy on my soul. But we do have answers in certain areas, so we are not going to say that right now.

19:17 Yeah, that was insanity. And there's a documentary about college kids that were going overseas. I can't remember where what it was called, but they were going overseas and the tour guide was actually doing insane stuff to all these college girls. 1 actually even got passed away from a balcony fall, all this insane stuff. And I got to thinking I'm like, this guy owns a business and it's a tour and he's got girls coming from another country. He knows the bartenders, he knows all these places, XY and Z. You're telling me that none of these guys that he was hanging around knew what was happening.

20:00 So when I think about stuff, I think about it like that. I'm like, you are who you hang around. So as we were getting older. Things started coming out about people that we were close with as well because there was things happening. And I had told Killian about a year ago, I'm like, you are who you hang around. We were starting to learn the people that raised us and the people that they hung around. You are who you hang around. Not everybody. That's not what I'm saying. But what I am saying is at a certain point, you kind of know what's going on when you are close with someone and you're doing day-to-day life with them, you know, and it just goes to say, and I'm not like I said, pointing anybody out, but these women that were getting brought in and out, the ones that met people in our lives, Why was why was nobody questioning that?

20:51 Why was nobody questioning that? You can look at someone and clearly tell if they're young, mid age, same age as somebody. You can, you can tell that by looking at them. With that being said, there is a point where you don't have vengeance. You're not angry, you're not vindictive, you just have no respect. You can forgive someone. And I think people don't talk about this enough because you hear forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness. And it's almost like killing. If you were to come over here and kick me in my leg right now and it actually, you don't know, I had a bruise there and you just keep hitting it.

21:32 And then you find out there's a bruise and you just keep hitting it. I can let it heal and be like I forgive you Keeling, but I'll never let you in close proximity of me again because I don't respect you. Because you were hitting my leg after you know there's a bruise there and you kept hitting it. I don't respect you. And it's not that I don't forgive you. But moving forward, I'm think a little differently. But I lost respect for you in that. But I forgive you. You can still be in my life, but you're going to sit 4 feet from me.

22:00 And trust can be rebuilt, but once respect is broken, it is so hard to come back from. You can forgive someone day in and day out. It's that respect. Right. So it's not that there's a lack of forgiveness for the people or anything like that. There's a lack of respect. Once that's broken, it's it's hard to get back. I've had a lot of people break my trust. I, I'm like, OK, it was a slip up, trust them again or, or whatever the circumstances and it's like over and over. And then once they do it so many times, it comes to a point where you're like, but you have to leave them at a distance.

22:45 It's almost like a knot. So if I take a string and I knot it, I'm like, OK, it's going to take me a second to unknot it. But instead of working on unknotting that first knot, I just keep putting knots on it. Now this string is this big ball of knots. You can unknot it, but it's going to take a while. Everything takes time. You're going to have to take time to get back to that string and it's never going to look the same. The strings going to be a little WAVY at that point. Right. But that's not to say that the string is broken.

23:19 There was so many knots that at a certain point, and if you knot it too much and you can't get it unknoted, you can still look at this, look at that string and that knot and say, you know what you went through with that. But at the same time, I'm not going to waste my time on that because I spent a whole you have 24 hours in a day. That would be like me spending 23 hours of the day trying to unknot that. And they only have one hour left, right? It's like it takes a second to and then there's a lie, a not, oh lie, a lie, a not, but year.

23:57 It takes maybe years to like finally like iron it out and try to get the string back to where it was. Sometimes you will will, but sometimes you won't. And sometimes there will still be like a little tiny, tiny knot where it's like, OK, it's, it's back to normal. But there's still that little like. Piece. You know, and sometimes that's how it is. I I mean. That's what I'm saying is there. There's not a lack of forgiveness in any area. There's a lack of lack of respect. I just feel like forgiveness doesn't get portrayed the way that I perceive it.

24:42 I guess. So this is my personal opinion on it because I I do forgive everything that happened in our childhood, but at the same time, I've learned so much about boundaries and respect that it did change the dynamic. So Kaylene is there. We are going to end up recording another one, guys. So Kayleen, I'm gonna let you kind of finish off with some last words and then we will see you guys back and we will be getting into more. And thanks for joining us. I'll I'll leave this here for tonight. I will just say or day or whatever time it is for you.

25:24 I'll just say that regardless if your parent, a daughter, a son, a grandma, whatever influence that you have in somebody else's life, whether it's family, friends, it, it just whatever dynamic that you have and you're influencing the other person and, and they mean a lot to you. Just make sure that whatever decisions that they end up making, regardless how much that you love them, it's not your fault. And at the same time, just be a shoulder for somebody to cry on. Be that person. When nobody has somebody, just be that person.

26:18 Like, hey, I don't know what I'm trying. I don't know if I'm trying, hey, it's 2:00 in the morning, you can call me or whatever it is like, you know, just be that person and vice versa. If you are that person, make sure you find somebody that you that you can count on. Like you needs. Everybody needs somebody. And we're all surviving together. We are all on this planet together. There is no reason for us to all be against each other and this and that. We we're all doing the same thing. We're going to work, we're paying our bills.

26:59 We're all we're all eating at some point in the day and we're all drinking some water. We're doing the same thing as the person next to us. Just different interest, different mentalities, but our mentality and the community we want on here. You're not alone. And we're drinking water just like everybody else. And to support. Some of us drink Gatorade. We still, we still love. Everybody we prefer, right? But Gatorade, we love each other, support one another, love one another, care for each other. That's all we have.

27:38 All we have is each other in this world. Be kind, make sure that you are put in positive vibes into people's lives and. We are going to get more in detail on the video now too. This was new for us, so we kind of did reiterate some stuff and took it on this route. So welcome to our first official video podcast and this will also still be on Spotify and Apple podcast, like I said. So we are super excited for healing, having fun, always have fun during healing. And we're going to sip water and Gatorade together.

28:21 Bring your mountain dews if you want, I don't know. But thank you guys so much for being here. We seriously do appreciate it more than I say that all the time. It means a lot. And we love hearing from you guys genuinely. So thank you for that as well. Love one another, be kind.

28:41 My heart's beating for you guys.