From chaos to redemption

Hi guys, welcome to our podcast again.

I know exactly how we're going to start this one because I'm

going to share what we just went through.

So I drive all the way to the studio, I have Kaylene on the

phone, drive all the way to the studio, get to the studio, and

guys, I literally can't make this up.

I booked it for next week. I have Kaylene sitting on the

phone waiting. I'm like, Kaylene, what are you

doing? She's like, I'm just waiting.

I have our guy calling. Everyone's trying to figure out.

I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed.

I'm like, is it normal to book things for the wrong day?

That like often, like, is that normal?

But they are letting us record we're here.

So if that isn't redemption, I don't know what Killeen was so

quick to be like. I was like, Killeen, we might

not be able to record a day. She was like, OK.

No, no, I I was like, that's fine.

Quick to say, OK. Well, I was like, it's fine.

I was like, we'll do it. We'll just do it for another day

or whatever. The day I booked it for.

But I'm also, well, yeah, and I'm also not the one driving

theirs and I'm just on the other end of the phone.

So I'm just like, OK, it's like a simple phone call away.

You're the one that drove all the way there.

I was like, oh, man. And then my phone's almost dead.

OK, guys. The way that they're using the

equipment, Kayleen is connected through Bluetooth through my

phone because she's in North Carolina.

That's why it sounds like she's on the phone probably.

But at the same time, I got here and my phone was almost dead.

Forgot my charger. So I'm using their charger.

And I've never seen a charger this long.

So that is what today looks like so far.

Kayleen, how's your day? My day went really, really well.

There's there's was cereal all in my couch, all over my floor

as I had to pick all that up. So that was fun.

A whole box of cereal to be exact, because my son decided,

yeah, my son decided to dump out the box of cereal and eat all

the marshmallows inside of it. So.

And I told Kelly and I support that and I'm on his side, so.

I'm like OK. Anyways, that's how we're going

to start this podcast. So what a moment that was

actually, you know, kind of cool how that worked out.

I also got offered a chicken wing, which was kind of cool.

So I. Didn't yeah see what you're

going I. Sound like a 50 year old man

when I laugh and wheeze like that.

I thought you were going to say sound like a 50 year old man

whenever I'm taking a chicken wing.

I was like, you can't just be going around taking chicken

wings. You just see me like walking

around Phoenix, like on the lookout for a chicken wing.

Do you have a chicken wing? Do you give me a chicken wing?

I'll do anything for a chicken wing.

Oh. My Atlanta.

OK, so here's the other side of us.

I feel like sometimes we're kind of hyper when we're coming into

it. So it's like chicken wing

chicken? Wing, Yeah, Hot dog and the

lone. All right, Kelly.

Are you ready to get sad? Oh yeah.

Yeah. No, I'm just kidding.

We're. Actually not going to get sad.

Well, so, so Aussie, Aussie, we are going to be talking about

from chaos to redemption. So chaos to redemption.

We shared a little bit like in the last episode how, you know,

we got kind of sad and, you know, it's heavy when things are

always sad. But you know, that's another

thing I thought about too. I'm like sharing our story

there. There's just a lot of sad, you

know what I mean? Killing like.

There, yeah, there, yeah. I'm not gonna lie, I got to you

guys. There's a lot of sad stuff and.

There is, there is. So you know, me and killing

obviously we're really close. So we kind of talked a little

bit like outside of this, we were just like reminiscing And

one thing that we talked about South in the stricter household

that we lived in. Another thing I thought, let me

say two things and a stricter household.

I, I think I made a reference to like strict is controlling.

I want to go back on that because I don't think strict is

necessarily controlling. I think we lived in a controlled

house that was strict. So I just wanted to touch on

that because I was like, you know, sometimes I'm wrong.

So I want to admit that. And like, you know, looking back

or even if I haven't listened to it yet, but even listening to

it, I feel like that just isn't. Just because parents are strict

doesn't mean they're controlling.

But our situation, it was controlling in the strictness.

So that's what I wanted to touch on there.

But the thing that me and Kelly talked about when we did live in

that household, there's one good memory that we both got to

share. Fortunately not unfortunately,

fortunately, it's when we went to Florida.

So Kelly, do you want to talk about for the first?

Because I want to share about when you went to the vehicle by

yourself. And if you don't want me to, I

totally won't. No, that's fine.

I I'm going to out you, I guess I there was a family trait that

we had taken to Florida and some of y'all might know some of

y'all might not know what we do have other siblings.

I have four other siblings aside from Adrian.

And so aside from that, we had all taken like a family vacation

together because it was going to be like the last time that we

were able to all be together. Really.

Also me being back in the house, you know, we've talked about how

I kind of was there and then not there, and I was there this

time. So they decided to take a family

vacation to Florida. Yeah.

It was honestly a really, really good trade.

I was able to just hang out with everybody like, you know.

And it seemed like everyone was in a good.

Yeah, Everybody was in a good mood and our car had broken.

Honestly. I mean, this sounds bad, but it

honestly, I think it was. I don't think it was funny.

Well, to me it was funny because it was my vehicle.

But the car had broken down on the way to Florida and we kind

of got stuck for a little bit and we had to wait for the car

to stop overheating. And I just remember the car

breaking down. Then we went right on our way

after it had been fixed. We were in these little condo

things alongside the beach. Yeah, the combo thing alongside

the beach. And we basically spent the

entire time either shopping or on the beach.

They had, they both have given us each like a certain amount of

money that we could spend. And I think I had gotten a

couple pairs of shirts and a pair of shorts.

And so, yeah, those are those are some good memories.

I don't want to say like the only.

I literally that went through it too.

That is so funny because I literally was like I I.

Yeah, OK, OK. Because I'm like if you were to

ask me what's 1 good memory that you do have there, I would say

it being the Florida trips. But yeah, Adrian, what something

that you would say like? I'm going to out.

What were you so excited? About it.

I. Know, OK, so we I feel like

started vaping and just all of that super young like, I mean we

were, you know, exposed to a lot more than, I don't know just

whatever. Yeah.

Well, Kayleen goes to the vehicle by herself and I will

never forget when they walked back to the beach because I was

like, mind you guys, Kayleen had to remind me of this trip

because I feel like so much bad happened.

I like feel like my mind just completely blocked off this

whole trip. I'm not even a lie, but I was so

happy to remember it because of this.

Went to the vehicle. I don't even know why you went

back there and our had walked out to the vehicle too.

Kelene is in there hitting vape like hot boxing.

No mind you. OK you guys, if we would not

have been in that Florida, I don't know what it was about

Florida that that made it OK. If we would have been at home

and did that, Oh my gosh, we would have been grounded like

bad things would have happened in that house.

Like so the fact that Florida gave that like little bit of I

don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I think that it was more or so they knew we were getting

older and that was like the last trip that we were all going to

be taken together and, well, really the only the first and

last trip. I don't ever remember taking any

other trip outside of that. Well, no, no Michigan Adventure,

but anywho, yeah, that too. That was fun.

I might not. Remember this stuff?

I feel like, but well, that it literally wiped that stuff out

of my mind. Yeah, that is insane.

Honestly, I didn't even remember Intel just now because I was

like, oh wait, we had went to Michigan Adventure too.

But yeah, so I forgot what I was going to say.

Yeah. So I guess like they knew we

were getting older and stuff like that.

And I think that's kind of, you know, when you grow up in an

environment like that, sometimes they might do something nice to

like a nice gesture. I don't, I don't know what the

point and it was, but as soon as we had gotten home, it was the

same exact, it went right back to it's confusing.

It was interesting. Honestly, it's very confusing.

I was like, but honestly, that trip was so much fun.

I had so much fun in Florida. Is why I love having my sister

with me because Oh my gosh, it just brings up so much, like so

much good. We can talk about literally

every dynamic and it's like, I can literally call Kaylene and

be like Kaylene. I opened the milk and the cat

fell off and I spilt some of the milk and Kaylene would

understand what I was feeling in that moment.

She's like, Oh my gosh, Adrian. Like when the cap hit the floor

and the sound of it, you knew that the milk was going to

spill. Like I can't explain it.

Like feeling just like get. I can literally call her about

anything and she just understands and it's so free.

Like we we built it. We built our relationship too.

So it's like super cool. But I really do feel like the

Florida trip confuses me looking back, because that little bit of

memory with that and then looking at everything else, I

would say the Florida trip is like the dandelion, like the

flower I explained in the field in a previous party, Like that

little bit of light. That's a really good way to

explain it, too. So yeah, yeah, I did like,

because then the rest of the time it's like, what in the

world? Why are like, why are we being

so rude? You know, like insane.

Calm down, calm, calm down. A chill.

Pill immediately. Yeah, and you learn really,

really quick. Don't tell nobody to calm down

when they're in like a frenzy kind of state of mind.

Oh my gosh, I that literally just brought something to my

mind. Do you want to go deep or no on

this one? Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, if you want to. I feel like, I feel like we that

was happy, like I was happy. But I mean it goes.

We're not all sad like it's just the the foundation of this

podcast is, you know, based on, but obviously you're going to

see our personnel. But yeah, too, you know what I

mean? Yeah, but that really didn't.

Make me. I don't know why.

Yeah, go ahead. So I just, my brain just

stopped. What did you say that made me

say that? I said whenever somebody's kind

of like in a frenzy or something like that and tell them to calm

down, you know what I'm saying? Like.

You guys, I literally cannot make this up.

So I want to be like really clear for a little bit when I

was in my teenage years, when it came to one of my, I, I was

mouthy. I, I lost all respect.

I had a point where I was just like, so much happened in our

lives that I hit a point where I just said whatever was on my

mind. And then, you know, it's it.

Then I got quiet through some seasons.

And then, I mean, everything you go through changes you in

different ways. But at this time, I was, I think

we had went to the hospital for one of our parents.

There was a situation and you know, everyone's in a frenzy,

whatever triggered left and right.

Well, we get in the vehicle and my step parents driving and my

other is in the passenger seat and we had been like going back

and forth about something. I cannot remember what it was

and I've responded and this is exactly what I said and I will

never forget it because I literally the regret that filled

my soul, body, toes, mind immediately was I literally was

sitting directly behind and I was like, you need to take a

choke pill. No, that's not what I said.

Now I can't remember. My brain keeps stopping like,

oh, it was you need a reality check.

I literally was sitting behind and I said you need a reality

check. When I tell you literally we are

driving like, you know, some people call them highways, but

it was like a highway slams on the brakes and mind you, we're

going like 50-60 mph. I don't know, obviously the

exact mileage, but slams on the brakes and I immediately was

like, Oh my gosh, I I need to learn when to not just say stuff

like, and he turns around and screams at me, you need to up

your arm. And I was like, and in that

moment I was like, man, hearing that as a kid when you're trying

to deal with something that's happening and then you're going

to this other person's house and you're getting it thrown in your

face. And that way, that is something

when someone is in a frenzy. One thing I've learned, you do

not make it worse. Like that's like a lot of people

that argue it's, you know, and I live that way.

I used to sit there, argue and argue and argue, but you can

literally be in an argument with someone and if their mind is

set, like Keeling, if you want a cake pop, but I want a smoothie.

This is just like an example. And we're sitting here screaming

at each other because you want the cake pop, but I want the

smoothie. And it's like, well, we're only

going to one place. Now we're in this screaming

match. Now we're arguing about stuff

that's not even about the cake pop, not even about the

smoothie. It's like I've learned we can

both be sitting there screaming at each other and because we

both already decided what we wanted, neither of us are going

to get anywhere. Like you can scream at someone

until you're blue in the face, like literally choking, and it's

not going to change their mind on certain things.

And that's how I felt in a lot of dynamics, like growing up, I

felt like when someone's set in their ways, it's so hard to

break out of that. Like you are the one that has to

make a change because you can't change other people.

It's like going to get a dog from the # that's 12 years old

and every time he goes outside, he goes to the corner 1st and

then goes to the door. Do you know how hard he's done

that for 12 years of his life? How hard it is to break a dog

out of a habit like that? I mean, it goes, that's just a

like reference to other scenarios, obviously, but humans

as people, until we want to understand somebody else or

something like that. Sitting there and arguing with

someone who is in the frenzy, that's their frenzy.

Feel like frenzies, like a weird word to use, but you know what

I'm saying. The kids were watching, I think

Superhero, the superhero movie, and somebody was like super

upset or something and they used the word frenzy.

So that's why now. Look, I'm going to be.

Using that all week like a frenzy, like I can't remember

but I thought it was so funny. It just came at the top of my

head because they were watching it.

But anyway, sorry. Guys, I'm a foreman at work, so

I'm going to go in there and be like, whoever's in a frenzy, I'm

going to use frenzy. All these grown people.

I'm like, hey, get get your frenzy under control now.

OK. But yeah, so that's kind of

that's kind of what went through my mind with that.

So I just, I don't know, I think with the Florida thing it I

don't know. Last week when we talked about

that killing, I was like, holy smokes, it like.

Yeah. My tracks kind of.

I'm not gonna like. So I was like, wait a second.

I do like sit and think on it. I was like, whoa.

Right, because, you know, whenever we end the podcast

after talking about, I don't know, I just said about like

that just like came out about and you know, heavy stuff like

that. I feel like after we get after

we get off, it's good to, you know, talk about those times

where it's like uplifting or, you know, like happy moments

because, you know, in your head, you start to like when something

bad is happening or going on, you sometimes want to like think

positive or sometimes whenever bad things are just going on

around me, I'll just I'll just like close my eyes and just

picture that I'm at the beach and I'll just like picture my

feet walking in the sand and I'm just like, everything's going to

be OK. I get so quiet, like I really

do. And it's just because I find my

happy place in my happy place at the beach.

And so I just picture me. Love that.

I really do and it just always helps me.

So you know, sometimes bad things happen and so especially

things that you can't control, but you can control Jared.

Jared's helped me a lot on that. Just put in my mind in a better

place whenever. I know what you I.

Get bad news or bad things? Yeah, I like that things are

happening. I don't know.

Like when you have someone like that in your life, it changes

literally everything. Yeah, first.

Yeah, for sure. And guys, another thing while

killing saying that so me and killing talked about this, I had

OK, I have a person in my life that really speaks a lot of

wisdom, love all of that and to my life.

And when I had started therapy, they gave me the best advice and

I it's advice that I feel like every person should hear if they

have the question I had I did that when I was ordering last

night. I was like.

And. Then I rolled up to the window

and I didn't want to make eye contact.

I was like, Oh my gosh, I know she knows I stuttered.

I know she knows I stuttered. I was gonna get ketchup, please.

But anyways, so I was like this person, you know, I was starting

therapy. OK, let me back up more.

Sorry, I know I do this sometimes.

I'm going to back up more. When I got out to Arizona and

started my healing journey, I wanted to get a therapist and I

couldn't afford one. One day.

I'm I was started writing a book that I thought I wanted to

publish, but I didn't realize in that time.

Like my mind was like, I want to publish this one day.

But little did I know those years I spent writing in that it

was for my healing, you know, like I had one idea, but what

was actually happening was a whole different Ave.

It was for me and I'm never going to publish it.

So I used to go down after work every day.

I would work about 12 hours. Then I would like 12 hour day

from leaving my house to getting home.

And I would go down to the pool and I would write in this book.

And I didn't really, you know, know a lot of people out here at

that time. I am literally writing in my

book and this woman gets in the pool and she swims directly up

to me and says hi. And I'm like, you know what, I'm

going to get in the pool. Why not?

So I get in and I'm like, hi. And I'm like talking to her and

we start just talking a little bit, you know, typical

conversations like what do you do for work?

She was a trauma therapist at the time and I, I want to be

very clear, I didn't use her for that in that area because we

were friends. So I am like what this person

did for me in my life, I cannot explain.

I mean, I had a lot of triggers at the time and when I, you

know, when we're triggered as people, it's, it's hard for

people around us and it's, and a lot of times it's not fair to

the people around us. Honestly, I've done it a lot in

my life like with triggers and stuff.

I'm try to be a lot more self aware now and I do like take

extra strides if I react or do something in a certain way.

I want to absolutely dig the bottom of the barrel to figure

out how can I react differently. But why did I react that way?

So with this person and she was a trauma therapist.

I couldn't afford therapy at the time.

She sat with me through the worst triggers of my life.

I was by myself. I just like choked the things,

the things that she helped me realize and come to realization

on is something that changed my life forever.

Like not just because she was a trauma therapist, baby, who she

was as a person, she just had such a huge impact on my life.

And so moving forward, you know, when I got in a place where I

could afford an actual therapist, I went to this person

and, you know, shared that I was gonna get a therapist.

And I was like feeling like I wanted to go to therapy a couple

times a week because I was like, I really need to work on stuff.

Like, I really. Need extra help navigating all

of that, You know what people go to therapy for?

And she said to me, these aren't her exact words.

I don't remember like her exact words.

I don't like to put words in people's mouth.

But she essentially said to me, going to therapy a couple of

times a week, it could feel like 10 strangers coming into your

home. And I was like, wow.

Like it really, really resonated with me.

So with this podcast and what me and Kaylene are doing, we're

doing, you know, we're recording two hours at a time.

And me and Kaylene even had the conversation.

We sometimes once we get in it, you know, once you're in the

conversation, it's like you can go forever, but I don't think I

think at a certain point it gets unhealthy.

Like if we sit here and it's easier to listen to.

But sometimes, you know, if we talk about something even like

the Florida trip, when we talked about it, it's like I had to go

and sit on that. I'm a very big self reflector.

So I'm like, why didn't I remember that?

And I wanted to sit in that moment of the thought of Florida

and just soak in that like you do at the beach Keeling.

Like I kind of do that with memories.

Sometimes I'm like, let me soak in it, even if they're bad.

I'm like, I need to soak in this and feel what I felt so I can

move forward. And it's really important.

Like if you are going through healing or you're doing it with

a friend or your sister, whatever it looks like that you

also don't forget to live and, and also have fun.

You know? So I struggled with that a lot

actually. When I first definitely I'm, I

feel like I've just gotten into the point where I've actually

started enjoying my time in Arizona.

Like I've done stuff and I've had enjoyable moments, but the

majority of it was so heavy because I was trying to face so

much. It's like I put the bottle down

and stop drinking about it. And then when I was sober

minded, I was like, Oh my gosh, this is a lot.

Like this is a lot. Yeah.

That's why I like, you know, people talk about sobriety and I

feel like a lot of times people can focus on the sobriety of

like the alcohol or the drug. And I, when I talk about

sobriety, I'm like, I wasn't addicted to the alcohol.

I was addicted to the coping and how it took the pain away.

So then when I was like forced to sit with my pain, you know, I

went down some really dark routes, honestly.

So yeah, honestly. That's a very, very good point

because sometimes that is what, you know, others do.

Some people might do they, they might go through something or go

through something traumatic and sometimes, sometimes instead of,

you know, sitting on it, they cover it up.

Whether it's like hanging out with a certain person all the

time, it could literally look like anything.

And then once that person's gone, you might not actually

love them or you might not actually like care about that

thing that you're doing or whatever.

It's really just kind of like a mask.

So that way you didn't have to deal with the pain.

So now, you know, once you finally get to a certain point

where you don't have that person, so now you're going

through the line and really thinking like, OK, now I've got

to deal with AB and C because I never dealt with C, but now B&A

are added on to it. So, you know, yeah, instead of

just sitting on that one thing, now you got more added on to it

because now you got to like, really say, especially with, you

know, probably with sobriety and stuff, you're like, OK, well, I,

I didn't deal with this or this. And now I use this to cover it

up with this. And now I'm like, you know.

Yeah, and I, I know it probably sounded so much easier hearing

me sit there and be like, Oh yeah, you know, sobriety is

sitting with it. I'm going to like dive a little

deeper because so chaos to redemption, that's that really,

really big with me when I heard that.

And I actually really love that chaos to redemption.

I mean, it's so powerful because I feel like it when I was

growing up and even into my early 20s, I was like, this is

my life. I'm going to be a 45 year old

and be drunker than crap in a bar.

I can't even like go to work without like guys, I was going

to work drunk. I was drinking all the time.

I was drinking and driving. I was like insane.

I was losing my mind. I could not if I was sober and

then if I wasn't drinking, I was smoking and it was like this

repetitive thing like, oh, I'd quit drinking then I was

smoking. I couldn't just sit with myself

like at all. And when I moved to Arizona, I

had kept trying to get sober before I moved out here and I

just, I was counting my days. And then, you know, you get to

days 71. Then if I have a drink, it puts

so much pressure. So I stopped counting my days

because, and it works for some people, counting your days.

For me, I feel like it puts so much more pressure on it because

then if I had a drink, then I felt like I completely just

ruined everything. And you know, this is who I am,

you know, I can't. So for me, the days just put it

was really heavy for me to try to do that.

And every time, you know, I had a friend that literally I hit 30

days, I think it was, I went home and they decorated the

whole apartment like to celebrate.

It was like to that extent, that's how bad my drinking was.

So I'm sharing that and you know, as the podcast goes on,

I'll share like what happened through that and why I was

drinking honestly. So, and let me be clear as

coming forward with that, I never drank because of somebody.

I drank because of my feelings. I will never put my drinking on

somebody else. It was solely because of my

feelings. And I couldn't deal with how

things affected me because things can happen to you.

But as people, it is our responsibility of what we do.

But in certain times, you do the best you can.

And in those times, I mean, we went through some really, really

dark stuff. So I just couldn't handle it.

I just couldn't handle it. So Fast forward because we

wanted to share some happier things on this podcast, so or on

this episode, I moved to Arizona and I will never forget.

I went to Fry's, which my Midwesterns, it's Kroger.

So if you ever come out here, you can use your card, your

number and get the discounts. So totally awesome.

So I went to Fry's and at this point, like I said, I didn't

really know anybody. I didn't have a job because I

moved out here on my savings. I had built up a savings and I

didn't know what I was building it for.

And then all of a sudden here I am moving across the country.

It's like crazy how things workout.

I don't know. So I didn't have a job.

I never using all my savings, but whatever and because I moved

out here didn't know where I was moving didn't have a job like I

moved out here and when I said the unknown on an earlier

episode, I am not joking. Like I didn't look into the area

I didn't look in like it. Honestly, looking back, I'm like

that. I was losing my mind, genuinely

losing my mind. That is insane.

And anyways, but thank God I'm here and I'm like pushing the

cart and I put a case of beer in my cart.

I am not exaggerating. I don't know the exact time I

was in the store, but it had to have been almost an hour.

I walked around the store by myself pushing this cart with

the case of beer. And in that moment I felt like

that case of beer was looking at me and I was looking at it, but

like it was like, you know, a stare off.

I was like what? What?

But in reality, it was me sitting there looking at my

coping, what I've coped with for years of my life.

Sitting in the cart was looking at me.

That was the road that could lead me a complete different

direction for what I came here for.

Sitting in that cart, looking in that cart.

That was my strength. If I went and checked out with

that case of beer, everything and me, there would have been no

point of anything. I walked around the store and I

put the case of beer back and I walked out without it.

I went through absolute, I don't know if I can say this absolute

hell after that because sitting there with my thoughts, I, I

can't explain it. It's like we went through so

much 1 memory turned into another memory.

And I've explained this in like some of my recovery groups too.

I explained it like this on Murder show.

I don't know how you say it like a murder mystery show or like a

crime show. When the person standing at the

whiteboard and they're like looking at the whiteboard and

you know, they like have the pin to their mouth, you know, and

they're like looking and their eyebrows are squinting on the

whiteboard. It's like all these scribbles

and you've got a road map pointing all different ways.

You've got pictures all over the place.

You got dots everywhere and you're looking at it and you're

like, I don't know where to start.

That's how I have felt like a lot of my life.

Where do I start? Like some people have like 1

traumatic event, but it's still effects someone the same way

that, you know, multiple can you know?

And so when I was like every time I try getting sober, it's

like I felt like I didn't know where to start.

Because then I think of 1 memory.

And then it led to this memory and this memory and this memory

and this memory. And it was this whole like road

map of just chaos that I couldn't deal with.

So, you know, I fought for my life, if I can put it anyway.

I fought for my life. And is there anything that like

like you thought of while I was saying that?

While you were speaking about that, it takes a very, very

strong person to have done what you have done because not only

have you picked up, moved your entire life from this place to

this place, but you're also fighting and healing.

And honestly, that was my first time ever hearing that story.

I didn't know that. I think that's so sweet and so

beautiful that you were able to finally be like, you know what,

like this, this isn't who I am. And you, you are such a

beautiful person inside and out. And I'm so happy that you're

able to now like see those things.

I don't know, Adrian, I feel like you're such a strong person

truly and honestly. And I'm very, very proud of you

and the person that you've become because I can't say that

I was there for you during the dark times previously before you

had moved to Arizona because I feel like I was there

borderline, but it was probably, what, 2 years before you had

moved to Arizona. And when you were telling me

like stories and stuff like that, I'm like, we're not really

even just stories, but like things that affected you in your

life. I was like, Dang, like you're

very, very strong for doing that.

Like very strong for doing that. I interrupt you all the time.

I have got to get this under control.

No, no, no, no. I was done.

I was done. I was done.

We were. Literally talking.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. It's it's a whole thing.

I do the same thing to you. Like, I promise you, you're

fine. You don't have to apologize.

To me, though, I would Kung Fu. No, I'm just kidding.

Yeah, Kayleen, I feel the same way about you though.

And you guys heard us talk on, you know, earlier episodes if

you listened and me and Kayleen, we had like, right, Kaylene, we

had to really sit and learn each other because we also there was

it was just a lot. We had to sit there and I had to

hear what she went through and it shifted my mindset. 180 and

then vice versa. I feel like us being able to

come together and then we saw it's like the puzzle pieces all

started coming together for us, if that makes sense for each

other. This isn't about anyone else

around us. Like like Kaylene said, we do

have other siblings. I love how she worded it.

I love how you worded it at the beginning.

You're like, OK, so there's there's four and Adrian and I'm

like, that's me. But.

We do have like the six of us all together from the household

that we speak about that restrictor So we have one and

we're only going to mention this one time and that's it.

We have one younger sister. That has the same parents as

both of us. We are not going to be sharing

anything else about her. That is the only thing we're

going to say. And then we had three siblings

from our step parent and that's the only thing we're going to

say about this because we are not.

That is their space. That is their story and if they

feel differently than what we're speaking about, like I said, the

tree scenario, that is for them and we would never put, you

know, breath into their words. So right, we're just sharing

because that is a big part of it too, right?

Like, I mean, but me and Kaylene, this is about me and

her and where we're at, so. Right.

And and that's why I wanted to. Sorry.

No, you go love it. No, no, no.

I just the the one time I had brought him up.

I wanted it to be, you know, that happy moment it was.

I think you did great, you know, and that.

OK, thank you. Thanks.

That's all I'm going to say on that.

OK. Thanks Adrian.

That is. I think you did like great

because guys, it is it's been really hard for both of us

dealing with some of that and there was just a lot that

happened. So we also didn't know what to

do with that because, you know, it's just not our place to speak

on. So I'm honestly glad that you

did bring it up killing because I literally thought about it

today. I'm like, you know, had been

there in certain situations, but like I said, we're not speaking

for her on her. So yeah, that's, you know, and

Kaylene, to me, we've already set a barrier for ourselves

before way before we even did this podcast with.

Us, you know. What I mean, like, yeah, yeah.

But I do also want to say that, Kaylene, I seriously appreciate

like what you were saying to me. I mean, it literally means a lot

definitely coming from you. But I also want to say I don't

want to be sitting here, you know, in where I'm at, guys,

when I was drinking. I I mean, I made a lot of

mistakes and I'm not going to share all in this episode

obviously, but you know, I I made a lot of mistakes.

I wrecked cars. I was never a fighter.

I was like a drunk that like ended up at the karaoke at the

front of the bar kind of, you know, just blacked out.

I I never was a fighter. I never, you know what I'm

saying? Like I never nothing like that.

It was simply just blocking out my pain constantly.

And you know, but through some of that too, you know, the

people that are closest to you get the wrath, unfortunately, of

your pain. You can go out and meet 20

people and they think you're the best person in the world, but

you go home behind closed doors and that one person that you

care about the most and cares about you the most gets the

wrath of the sword. And it's super unfortunate.

And the person that was in my life when I was drinking heavily

like that got the wrath and they didn't deserve it.

And it will be 1 of my biggest regrets for the rest of my life.

Because they were. The one person.

That sat with me through a lot of things and they were the one

person that didn't deserve it and they're the one that got it.

Yeah, but they are, they are very, very forgiving.

And I feel like at some point, you know, at some point you have

to forgive yourself because yes, like, you know, truly and

honestly, Adrian, like I know deep in my heart, like I wasn't

there. I'm not the one that personally

witnessed anything, but the same time I feel like you've done so

much healing on yourself and you can look back at those things

and be like, that's not who I who I am or who I was.

Something took over me and made me a different person.

And I'm not saying like, you know, Oh well, it's an excuse

because I was this. So it's an excuse for why I did

this. No, I'm just saying like taking

responsibility and saying, listen, Mike, I'm so sorry,

apologizing all those things. It just shows like the kind of

person you are now and how much growth you have put into that

because all of us have at least I feel like maybe not, maybe not

alcohol, maybe maybe not drugs, maybe not this or that.

Everybody may feel some some way of something that they may have

treated somebody badly. Sometimes I'll be in a bad mood

and I'll just go into the store and I'll just like walk back out

and Jared's like, hey, are you OK?

And I'm like, I'm fine. Like, why are you bothering me?

And then I'm like, Dang, like all he was doing was trying to

check on me, but it's just like, they just care so little things

like that. But yeah, so it's just all

about, honestly, it's all about like taking responsibility and

stuff. And I feel like you've done

that. And, and it's also a part of

moving on and being able to look back and be like, like, you know

what, That isn't me. And obviously there are things

that you wish that you, I feel like I can't say this for

everybody or you or whatever, but I mean, personally, there's

things I look back on and I'm like, Dang, I wish I could have

changed that, but I can't. Like it's too late, but if I

could go back, I would change it, but I can't.

So all I can do is forgive myself, apologize to them, and

just, you know, move, move forward, whether whatever that

looks like for you, me, anybody like.

Yeah, you know, I'm gonna share another scenario about Arizona,

I think, because Arizona is literally my healing state and I

worry even though I don't like the city, Arizona is always

gonna have a place in my heart because it is my healing state.

So with that being said, like Phoenix is a really big city in

Arizona. It's based in Phoenix is about a

bird. Like if you look up the meaning

of Phoenix, it's a legendary like immortal bird and it

regenerates or is born again, in other words.

So that's just, you know, obviously a belief.

And I just looked up the meaning of it one day.

I have no idea why. I was just like Phoenix.

I genuinely. What are the odds of that though

like? Stuff and that came up and I was

like that is insane because this is where the biggest transition

of my life happened like being born again.

I truly feel like I I feel like it was my second chance at life

and when I say that This is why I'm gonna share this scenario.

I always say scenario and I was listening to one of our earlier

episodes and I was like I say scenario.

First of all, I don't know if I'm saying it correctly.

Second. I don't know if I'm using it.

Properly so scenario when I think scenario like it's a real,

you know, remember when we talked about we got taken out of

school? No, I'm just kidding.

So I, when I moved to Arizona, I spent a lot of time hiking by

myself. I, I cannot explain what hiking

by myself did for me. I would go on these hikes also.

I was losing my mind. I like, you know, I'm trying to

be sober. I've got all this stuff

happening. I'm losing my mind.

I was going out in like 115° weather.

I remember I had met someone out here and they were like, Adrian,

you need to be careful going out there in 115° weather.

And I was like, I got this, like you don't worry about it.

Well, I went on this hike and I picked this one out specifically

because it was supposed to have a walk waterfall.

Here's where I messed up. It's 115°.

There's no waterfall like it's way.

Too hot and. Soaked up the water.

So I go on a site that happened. Well there was OK.

So I hiked for a couple like maybe 2 hours, I don't know the

exact time and I'm hiking and I kept going and there were stairs

and like these stairs like kind of went up.

I don't know how to explain it like like around and I kept

going. Mind you at this point it's so

hot outside. My water was hot when I was

drinking. I did like the little hose

thing. What you say?

Like the whole thing. My water was literally hot and I

still had to walk all the way back.

But I was like, you know what, I'm going to keep going,

whatever. I'll just drink hot water.

And I don't even like drinking cold water.

I feel like people who actually drink water don't drink cold

water. But I said what I said, you

know, I said what I said, and I meant it.

I'm going up these stairs. And as I'm going up the stairs,

I start getting tired. I mean, it's hot.

My water's hot. I've got no food.

You know, I'm like, Oh my gosh, what am I doing?

And so I keep going up. I keep going up.

And every time I thought I was going to reach the top, I wasn't

reaching the top. I can't explain what, like all

the hopelessness of my entire life, like flew on me in that

moment. I was like, I can't reach the

top. And I remember I sat on the

stair and I just started crying. I'm like, I, I can't do it.

I was like, I I felt like everything and me give up in

that moment. I'm like, I can't reach the top

of this mountain. Like I don't know what I was

thinking. And then like that triggered

memories from everything we went through in the past.

I'm like, you know, not my parents didn't even care where I

was. Nobody asked where I was.

I'm in the middle of across the country.

Nobody like they didn't even care.

It really put into perspective for me.

I mean, I slept outside. When I say a park bench, there

was this chair. It was it's this giant chair.

I just park bench is easier to say.

I don't know why, but it was this giant, giant chair and I,

when you sit on it, you're like all the way back.

It's like bigger than you are. So when I slept on it, I was

like in the back of it. I don't know how to explain it.

Like imagine, you know, just imagine laying in a chair.

And so, and when I slept in that chair, I felt hopelessness in

that moment. And that's when the family came

and got me. But I had nobody to call,

nothing. And then the family we met in

North Carolina came and got me. I'll go more in detail with that

story later. But you know, Fast forward,

there was a couple moments like that in my life, but here it's

like all those moments and the reason why I am like sharing

random things because moving across the country and leaving.

Everything and in that moment, all of that hit me.

I'm like, Oh my gosh, like hopelessness.

I don't know why, and I don't know what got like came over me.

I like something I mean was just like keep going like keep going.

And I don't know how to explain that feeling.

It's just I I literally stood up and I was like, you know, I like

shrugged my shoulders and I walked up that around the rest

of that stairs and I freaking made it to the top and I'm not

lying when I got to the top of that mountain, I didn't even

care. I I went to a mountain where

there was like no civilization or anything like that.

So even if there was people, I just didn't care.

I stood on the top of that mountain and I screamed that

that I was free. I literally was screaming out

there. I'm like, they can never hurt me

again. Like I am by myself on the top

of this mountain. And I know this sounds insane,

but that sense of freedom that I felt, I felt like I broke out of

a cage that I didn't want to be in my entire life.

And I was just screaming at the top of this mountain, you know,

And it was a huge, huge, huge, huge moment for me.

I, I can't explain that. And it's something that even if

it doesn't look like that in some people's lives, you know,

all situations look different. But that freedom that I felt in

that moment, all that hopelessness I felt 10 minutes

prior, went into that hope. And I feel like that gave me

strength to continue on my journey here with healing and

sobriety. You are 110% a different person.

So I just wanted to like just say that really quick.

Thanks, Karen. But I'm sorry, I didn't mean to

interrupt you. No, you're fine.

I think it's just like one of those things, you know, with

sobriety and stuff. Yeah, that's a yeah.

Like that's a whole thing I feel.

Like, you're just hard on yourself.

Yeah. Like, I just, I feel like

you're, you may just be like hard on yourself.

But honestly, Adrian, whenever you're talking about how you

went to the top of the mountain and stuff like that, I was just

like dating like that made me tear up a little bit.

Some money. It takes a lot for somebody to

do what you did. Like truly and honestly, I know

that we both had went down different routes and we both

went through like twists and turns and did our own healing

and went this way that way, which I'll get into mine, you

know, later too, because I kind of went one way, but it was like

different. Healing in a way, I hope

whoever's listening because when healing ensures I, I can't even

explain like a complete walking miracle.

I, there's no other way for me to explain it.

And Kayleen, I appreciate like what you're saying a lot,

honestly, because, yeah, the whole mountain that I just

shared what it was a huge moment for me.

And like when I was hiking a lot by myself and I wasn't, you

know, I was really, really focused on myself.

I wanted to learn to sit with myself and I wanted to learn to

sit with the pain. And it was the hardest thing I

ever did. Like, don't get me wrong, guys.

Like I had friends that were like, we'll pack up in our car

and come get you right now. And I literally felt like it was

the hardest thing to sit there and look at my phone and not

just jump and go back Was that was so hard because sitting out

here by myself and not knowing and knowing that I could have

gone back with my friends, That was like the hardest thing I

think ever because there was it was really Hard Out Here.

I'm not going to lie. And you know, Kaylene, we've

shared like a little bit about moving around and, you know,

stuff we shared in previous episodes.

And I'm going to share one more thing and then we're probably

going to end up wrapping this episode up and jumping into the

next one. And I'm going to give Kayleen

more time to talk. I feel like I definitely, I, I

ended up sharing like a lot of stories on here, but this one

specifically, I think Kayleen, you as you listen to it and I

feel like we've talked about it. So we'll see.

But when I had first got my apartment out here, I didn't

look up early, like I said. And I lived like I I was scared,

like I did not know what was going on.

At one of those moments, I didn't know what's going on, a

decision I made. Like.

I'm over here like, what's going on?

There was these three little kids and I cannot make this up.

Like I've said, you know, I wake up at like 3:00 in the morning

for work and at that time I wasn't getting home till late in

the day. And these little kids, sometimes

they would be out in the morning when I left for work.

And then almost every single day when I lived in that apartment,

they would be sitting on the stairs and like it got to the

point sometimes they were waiting on me to get home and

because I would, I would just sit with them on the stairs.

I think 1 was like 3. It like ranged from like 3:00 to

11:00. And you know, they were always

outside. Mind you, it's hot here.

It's like a hundred 1520° and it's just hot for these.

I know what you're talking. About and so sometimes I would,

I would just, you know, sit on the stairs with them and they

would talk to me. They shared some stuff with me

that I was like, Oh my gosh, it broke my heart.

So I'm like sitting on the stairs with these kids.

And then it got to a point where they were, you know, they would

come and knock on my door for some water.

I'd give them water. And then they're telling me how

they don't have water at their house.

And I'm like, Oh my gosh. And I spent like a lot of time

in that apartment during the situation, crying at night.

And here's why. It's because there was a day

those kids came. I had taken guys, I'm a child.

I brought a remote control car with me and I borrow to play

with in a basketball. I'm just being honest.

So I was like, OK, I'm, you know, these kids are always

outside. And so I gave the kids a

basketball. I I wanted to do it because I

know what it's like to be outside like that.

And the stuff that they had shared with me, it started like

I started getting concerned. So I gave them this basketball.

They come back knocking on my door.

This other group of kids literally jumped them for the

basketball. And I was like, honestly, I took

that really heavy because I was like, if I would have never

given basketball, this never would happen.

Then I'm sitting there thinking, where are their parents?

What can I do? Yeah, if I was to call CPS or

something, what if they get in a worse situation or what if I go

try to find their parents and their parents want to like beat

me up or something? Like I was put, yeah, I feel

like growing up I was on the side of the table of the kids

where I was like, why is nobody helping us?

Why is right in that moment? And as I was like processing

everything happening with the situation, I was on the other

side of the table. And because of that, it's real

life experiences that like helped me and real realizing

certain things. I was on the flip side of that

table. And I was like, I didn't know

what to do. I didn't know what to do.

I genuinely was at a complete loss for words.

And I was like, you know, of course, with our childhood, I'm

like, Oh my gosh, sometimes you just don't know what to do.

And that can freeze you. So it's nobody's fault that even

if they hear this podcast and stuff we share in the future,

like it's nobody's fault because now I have an understanding of

how hard it can be. And it got to a point with those

kids that one kid had Crocs on and yeah, they were old.

Who cares? Like, OK, you can't see the like

little Ninja Turtles on it anymore.

Like whatever, who cares? I don't care about that.

These old kids jumped on and bullied this little 3 year old

because his shoes were dirty. And I sat there with my, with my

shoes on. My shoes are dirty from work.

I'm like, I love your shoes. I I actually would rather wear

those than other shoes because. And you see yourself somewhat in

those kids because you remember when you know.

So it's like realizations like that that Arizona has brought to

me that I never would have gotten if I didn't, you know,

come on this healing journey. So healing.

I'm so sorry. I definitely took over and like

shared a lot on this one. No, no.

I feel like we have so much to share.

I feel like it's going to go vice versa.

I feel like there's going to be times where it's going to be

because we did. We had two different journeys.

So there's going to be times where I'm just going to, you

know, hear and listen and some things I had never heard and

some things I have heard. And same for you.

We're going to be talking about so much different things.

I mean, we have so much to share together and separately.

Like whenever I go to talk about, you know, whenever I was

living in Indiana and you know, stuff like that, like we said

before, we were together and we were also apart for a long time,

like a very, very long time. And there's just things that

happened. And so we are, we're going to

have one, you know, things to share together, things that

you're going to share and things that I'm going to share that

really all either of us can do is like, listen at that point

and just, you know, so I mean, which for, for, for you,

Arizona, you moving there and going on your healing journey

and stuff, going and hiking and going to the top of the mountain

and, and, you know, screaming or whatever, because I, I freaking

do that. I've on it before and I've done

it with like all of our neighbors around and like scream

at the top of my lungs. A moment like that, like, yeah,

mine's out in the mountains. But I mean, a transition or a

breakthrough like that can literally happen in your

bathroom or your car. Right, right.

What it was for me, you know what I'm saying?

Like it can. Right.

Anywhere, Yes. Like so for you, that's where

yours happened. We're not even just when when

that happened, but just all together.

Arizona is where you went for peace.

North Carolina is where I finally ended up where I feel at

peace after everything. I feel like it.

It's kind of sucks in a way because I feel like we are both

so close now and wait on our different healing journeys.

And when we finally got closer, we're 26 hours away and but

we're both happy with where we're at in our lives.

So it's hard because I want to live closer to you, but it's

like this is where life ended up taking us.

So I don't, I don't know, like hopefully one day life will end

us somewhere where we're closer. But As for right now, this is

where I feel like we're both. And I tell you that all the

time. I feel like Arizona at in this

moment, Arizona is where you are meant to be if whether I like

that or not and me here. I feel like every.

Time we try. To move closer to each other.

It's like one of us ended up moving to another stairs.

Yeah. Like.

And this is like after we already moved around with our

parents, Kaylee. Literally.

Let's, umm, let's go ahead and do a Part 2.

Let's OK, yeah, let's do it. OK.

So we will see you guys on the next episode next week.

All righty, see y'all.

The briefing