It Felt Like a Movie… Until It Didn’t

OK, welcome back to our podcast, guys. We kind of went a little overboard on the last one, so we apologize. This is the first time we've done this. So we're also trying to manage the time and like the time length of the podcast and everything. So you might get some shorter ones, but you might get some long ones or bad.

So, Kaylene, what incarnation? I wasn't attorney then.

I think we're going to kind of talk about more of when we left our environments, right? Yeah. So you, I feel like you're, you got something to say. So you, you, what's that saying? You fly this plane. You. You fly this plane? No, It's called Let's land this plane. I don't know. Killing you. Push the gas pedal. OK, I'll become the pilot.

Oh my gosh. So basically, I'm not too sure, but I think like I had said in the last one, I think I had moved out around 17. I guess we can say moved out, which isn't necessarily exactly what happened, but I was asked to leave. And so I called. I had called somebody. Well, I called a lot of people. Nobody answered. So I finally called the last person and they answered and they came and picked me up. I had all my stuff packed and I had just left for you. I guess I can ask you because I'm not really sure how long after me leaving did you leave?

Because I'm not too sure about that. I don't. I think we talked about it briefly, but. So there was somebody involved in the school system and I started reaching out to get, I don't know, I was losing my mind. So I and A lot of people look back and they're like, you were so fun. I'm like, I was fun because when I was at home, I was happy. And second of all, I wasn't someone that now in my healing, I feel like my healing has been really heavy for the people around me and I feel so bad. If anyone's listening and you're in my healing stage with me, I'm so sorry and I want to say thank you.

It's so hard that you know, healing has triggers and everything like that. So people that stick with you and your healing guys when you start healing, really, really appreciate those people. Second, though, going back to what you asked the person in the school system, which I'm pretty sure helped you as well. I think we had a couple of the same people that, you know, kind of saw the in between, I think. Yeah, so. That's basically why they had no choice but to let me leave. But anyways. Yeah. So there was a person that was involved in both of our lives at some point outside of family, everything like that.

And we got some logical like law information that you can leave at 17. That was the best person that I feel like could have been brought into my life at that moment because that is exactly what I needed was to get out of the house. And so I I left at 17 and I also joined the military. So because I graduated high school, I did high school online. I was working a couple jobs. You know, obviously I had my apartment, things like that for a little bit. Meanwhile, trying to maintain like alcohol started getting the alcoholism and all that.

So it was like, you know, craziness, but I ended up joining the military. I remember I took a friend to go pick up some of my stuff from the parent, from the person's house, from the person's house I was living at. I always took somebody with me because I, I think you just learn, right? Anything you do, you just learn. And going to that house. I just always had someone with me. Even when I enlisted for the military, I took my recruiter to go into the house with me. So when I left, I don't know, like trying to think of how I felt in that moment.

I don't even know what I felt or how I felt. I think I was, I don't know. I think I was so angry at that point. I had so much like I I became angry for a little bit guys like I'm being serious, I. You also have a lot of questions. Yeah, and I, I got angry. I had a roomie, I had a friend and she really got the wits end of it. And I feel so bad for her because she never deserved that. And I didn't know where to place my hurt, my anger. And I was that person behind closed doors. I, I, I never hit her or anything.

It wasn't like that. It was just, I, I was so lost and you know, you hurt the people who are around you definitely when you're spiraling or whatever. So as I've gone through healing and everything like that, obviously I'm aware of my triggers and I, I know when to remove myself now. I left at 17. So I, Kayleen, we actually just talked about this recently. I had a 16th birthday and as we've shared in the stricter household, we didn't really get to have friends over and stuff. So I was able to have a friend over for my 16th birthday and I was so excited.

Guys, do you know, it feels like a kid in a candy shop when you get to like do something that normal kids get to do. Like, Oh my gosh, I got to hang out with a friend. Like, I don't know, I don't even know how to explain it. And so I got to have this friend over. And because our lives look very much like you're going to work. If you need something, you're going to work. We were in cornfields at the age of 13 working. We were not allowed to do anything else besides go to school and work. Go to school and work if you want anything, work, work, work.

So yeah, we can talk about that more in like a future episode. Anyways, my 16th birthday. I'm so excited she gets to this friend of mine gets to come over. Well, I have a little bit of like hyper, you know, I'm, I'm kind of a hyper person sometimes. So a lot of times I'm just very hyper. I don't know. I just, I think it runs and our family were just like hyper people. But so for that birthday I had a laser. They had gotten a laser for the dogs and I had shown or shown I like shine the laser over.

The Wall. Where this person was sitting, well the dog jumped or they had told me stop doing the laser. But I'm so happy. Do you know how cool it was to like we didn't really get birthdays and stuff like that. So like it's my 16th birthday and I get to have a friend over. Like I don't even care. There was nothing else happening. Nothing else happened, but that was everything to me. Just being able to have a friend over like it was the coolest thing ever. So I am shining this light the laser and they told me to stop.

Well, I'm like I'm going to do it again. So I'm like ha, watch this and I shine the laser again while the dog jumps up and scratches this person's belly and I should have stopped. You know, if someone's like, hey, can you well, you know, nicely say stop or whatever. I knew immediately that I just messed up immensely. I like when you learn behaviors of people, you know, when people's mannerisms. In that moment, I was like, I literally feel, I, I felt so much shame. I'm like, why did I do that? That person stood up and told me to go out to his truck and I was like, he's like, tell your friend to go upstairs and come out to my truck.

I just knew. I can't explain when you know I remember. About. It something so bad is about to happen. It's like you can't even prepare yourself. It's like you you're, you just have to walk. It's like if you go hiking and it starts raining, you have no choice. You just have to finish the hike. So I'm like, at this point I go out to the truck. Then I knew it was going to get worse because that person rolled up all the windows. I'm like, Oh my gosh, I wish I just never would have picked up the laser.

This person screams at me. I'm, I mean, I didn't even fight back. I, I was just sitting there at certain times I fought back and I would scream back or try to, you know, anything. But there were times like you, there's no point. And that day I, I was so excited that it was my 16th birthday. I think it just took everything out of me. And this person just sat there and screamed at me with the windows up and I'm like, I, it, it was honestly the worst birthday ever. Like we didn't really have like birthdays like other kids, but that was an exciting one for me.

And in an instant, because of a decision I made with a laser, it turned into one of the worst memories of my life. And not worst memories of my life. I want to go to that extent because there's worse things that have happened, but it was a bad memory. But it was your birthday. I mean, yeah, your 16th birthday at 20th birthday that you're going to remember for a while, so. You know, everyone makes a big deal out of your 16th birthday. So I was like, oh, cool. Like I finally get to like, have something.

So yeah, I, I don't know the timeline of how long we were in the truck. I just know and when I when these situations happened, it wasn't just like I told you to stop, you need to listen. It was degrading, dehumanizing. It was made you question if you should be alive kind of situations like why am I here? Why do I make the decisions? Why am I the person I am? Like, should I even be alive right now? Because the words and the way that you're being spoken to makes you feel that way and you just feel like you shouldn't, I don't know how to explain it.

It just really, it really makes you like sink into a seat. And as that was happening, I didn't fight back. I walked inside and I walked upstairs. And at that time I had a bed and that house, that, that house. But my friend was laying on the bed. And I remember I just, we didn't really say much. I just lay there and I looked at her and I said, I'm really sorry. And I just laid there and cried and we just both kind of laid there. And I don't really remember much after that. So yeah, that's kind of how my life looked in that house.

So when I moved out, that friend actually let me stay with them, and I stayed with her for a little bit. And I wish that I could have like, known what I know now and been a better friend to that person because I just kind of started running around after that, bouncing from friend to friend houses and that person. And her mom actually really helped me out and that dynamic. And she saw that night too. So it's like, I wish I could have just, you know, known now, known then what I know now. So that's kind of where I went after that.

And then I met some friends and start staying with them and then a bunch happened after that. So that's kind of, and we'll go more in detail with all that because that's a whole nother, whole nother thing. But yeah, there was a lot that happened before I left. Obviously, mind you, killing, we have all this happening separate from each other and we're still carrying all this stuff before so and there's so much to say to whoever's listening like obviously everyone's got a story and everyone can sit there and explain.

So whoever's listening, thanks for listening into our podcast. And we have to get deep that way as the podcast goes on, it's going to glorify God because these situations that we're sharing and what we went through, and as we keep going and things get deeper or harder to listen to and harder for us to talk about at the end of it, it's beautiful. There's it's hard to, it's hard to sit and look back and feel, I don't know, it's looking at life now. It's like, Oh my gosh, like God listen to every single prayer and yeah, I think right.

But Keeley, do you want to kind of share anything on it? And and so it wasn't long after I had left that you, you had left her correct because.

I feel like that was the question. Well, the way I just. Like, no, no, I I just couldn't. No, it's OK. It's all right. I was just killing. I just remember I don't. Remember. Yeah, because like. You were there and then you were gone, and then you were there for a second and then you were gone, you know? Well, it's not like I'm laughing because it's true, but you. Were like Sonic, like I was happy and then you were gone and then you came in and then and I was like, Oh my gosh, wow. She's she's. Fast, I know.

I guess the well, I guess I'll explain kind of the night that I had that that I finally had left and never went back. Like, well, I don't want to say never it. I hadn't seen them for the good seven. I I don't know how many years, but once I left, I was gone. I, I took off and I do feel guilty because I, I know I, I feel guilty because I left the household, but I didn't realize in my head like I was leaving so much more, you know, like I definitely could have went a different way about it or try to at least stay in contact more.

Let me switch. Let me switch the narrative real quick, just really quick. And then I'm going to let you finish. Sorry, I had to interrupt you. It was urgent. I'm going to switch the narrative because you're saying I also felt that way in regards to you and other people. If I would have kept going, and I sat with that for a long time as well, if I would have kept going, this never would happen. It's my fault. This, this. OK, let me switch the narrative. If you never would have left, yes, obviously you should never have went through the stuff you went through.

But if you never had left, you wouldn't be where you're at now. And you actually left and you did more for me by leaving now looking back, because you gave me a niece and nephew that are like a world to me that I would do anything for. So all of these these bad things happen, but it literally grew a garden. And yeah, all of that sucked and was unfortunate and nobody should have to go through that. But now sitting in this chair and speaking in present day, and this is present day, not 16 year old us, you brought in two beautiful babies into this world.

And now in my head, if you wouldn't have left and went through whatever you went through that got you to where you are, where would where would we be? Would we have a relationship? Would we have been able to get where we're at? Would we be doing a podcast? So I just wanted to start a narrative on that a little bit, but OK, go ahead. Yeah, and you're completely right. Like if that's why I'm, I'm grateful for everything that I went through because I both of us, I mean, you have a wonderful life and I literally your niece and nephew and my like babies.

I love them so much. I would literally go through everything again if it mean having them, if it meant having them And Jared, I guess for OK, so I had gotten court ordered to be in the house. And so I would say I wasn't there very long. I would say months, like my very short, short period of time because I I had to have been 16 whenever I had gotten court ordered or 17. And then I found out in that the state that we were in 17. You're considered an adult Whenever, whenever, whenever I had figured that out and they had kicked, they were kicking me out.

We had gotten which I'd OK, let me let me back up for a second. We had gotten to an argument that night. They had kicked me out. I left. They tried contacting the place to find me but they couldn't do anything because I was considered an adult at that time which I did not know that but but I feel like everything happens for a reason and so they couldn't couldn't do anything about it. Kaylene, And at this point, I'm interrupting you again, this at this point, this was a controlled tactic. I feel like looking back, because love protects, love listens, why stands with you.

This was a tactic of control. So you couldn't go back to what they didn't want you to, right? And it could have been protection. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to put words in somebody else's mouth or anything like that. It could have been protection in their eyes. But knowing maybe that's my perspective because of what I went through with them, it could seem like a controlled tactic to be like, no, you're stuck here and this is. But anyways, go ahead. Right, like we're going to kick you out. But they did, little did they know, they actually did did me a favor because I was like, oh, wait, wait a second.

They can't come get me. Because I remember looking at the person I was staying with and I was like, oh God. I was like, Oh my gosh, they're trying to contact the police to, you know, find me, but they can't come get me because I'm 17 and I'm an adult, like technically an adult and in that state. So I remember that night that they, sorry, I remember that night that they had asked me to leave. Basically that argument which almost every single 90% of the arguments that we've had from me being 12 to the age I am today, I kid you not.

Still to this day, it's about the person that I had lived with prior. They found out I was contacting them and they did not like that. And they were very, very infuriated when they found that out. And like, like I just remember getting into an argument and for some reason I think that they were making food or something, they one of them accidentally had sliced their finger and they had to go to the hospital and they said we don't want you here whenever we get back. So I packed all my stuff and I had fun.

And then I never honestly after that. That just made me remember that. Wow, like when? The Yeah, I yeah, like whenever and then him going to the arts, whenever they had went to the hospital and then that that was the night that I had. That was the night that I had left. And then I didn't come back. And then some stuff happened, which what the person I was staying with, which I had been in a relationship with, but we will definitely get into that later. But yeah, so that's what I remember from the 9th that I had finally left that house and I felt so free.

And I feel like whenever I was being, you know, going back and forth, I was very like confused. And so whenever I finally got freedom again, I didn't know what to do with it. I was like, I feel like I just kind of wanted to. I never wanted to be home. I always wanted to like go out with friends or do anything. I wanted to go walk. It didn't matter. I would walk to the store. I just felt so free like again. And I felt like I had my life back because that was my life prior. Like I was able to maybe too much freedom, like I had said, you know, but at the same time, like I finally was able to.

But little did I know I was going back into another stricter environment. And then at first I had freedom and then later on in the relationship that freedom slowly stopped. And so you know, I which I have the story for like down the road, but. Yeah, and whoever is listening, buckle up. Is going to be hard, yeah. It's going to be hard to listen to, but at the same time, if you have you ever like watched a suspenseful suspenseful, suspenseful what is happening suspenseful movie and you're like listening not even suspenseful.

I can't get that word right. You guys know what I'm saying? I don't care right now it. Is I'm. Going to leave it what it is, but not even just that. Genre movies, just in general. When you're watching a movie and you're listening and sometimes it's hard to watch or whatever and then you see the end and hold on and then you keep watching the movie. And even though if it can be hard to watch or hard to listen to or anything like that, like if anyone listening has seen, I can only imagine that is a great movie and I can only imagine too it.

But if you keep watching, it's, you see by the end the glory, and I know I keep saying this, but the glory of God and like the outcome because not all things end bad. And I think for a long time I felt like all things ended bad. So when you're listening to this podcast, if it gets too much and if it's triggering, stop listening. I'm being very clear on that. Do not listen. This is literally us putting a trigger warning out there right now because things are going to get deeper. They are going to get harder to listen to, not in a way that we are trying to, but to share our story and where we're at now.

Some there's some things that we're not going to share and there's some things that we are going to share. Some things are not meant to be shared definitely on a public, public like platform where other people are listening. But some things when it comes to us and what we're choosing to share, we're going to share it because of the reason. Like we've said multiple times, there's people out there that we know what it's like to feel alone. If I could have had somebody just sit there and be like, I've been through this before and not just it's going to be OK, you're going to be all right, you're going to be OK.

You're going to be OK. I still get so mad. I'm like, dude, you don't know. Like you don't know what I'm going to. You don't know what we've been drugged through. You don't know. You're going to be OK. Everything's going to be fine. Now I feel like obviously I can sit there and be like, you're going to be OK. Like everything does work out. But in that moment now I know not to look at someone who's they could be struggling because their plant just died. I'm not going to look at them. Be like, you're going to be OK.

No, like, I'm so sorry that your plant died. Like people, they feel things. People feel things. Guys, we can't just be sitting there. You'll be all right. You're, you know, and it's easy to do that, but it makes people feel invalidated and, and not every single thing needs a complete deep like conversation and something some people don't want to talk too. So I mean, I'm hitting a couple different things here. Some people don't want to talk. They'll talk when they're ready, all these things. But what I'm saying is you never know, guys, what someone's dealing with.

So I felt alone a lot. So when I'm speaking, I'm saying what things we're choosing to share. It's because where we're at now, we, I don't think we would be sitting here sharing these things if we were still in the midst of it. Nobody, you know, we, we couldn't even figure it out ourselves. We couldn't figure out left from right them for a long time. So, yeah, Kayleen, I just was saying that because some things are going to be, they could be hard for people to listen to too. But if you listen, you'll see the redemption at the end and that there is hope and there's power.

Guys, you're, it's so easy to think when something bad's happening. That is, it's so bad. But do you know what? Do you know what bad things do? And not even just bad things, hard things, things that are hard to navigate, to understand. You'll get out of that whether it takes 5 or 10 years, and you'll look back. You learn from something from that. You gain. Something from that you have understanding of someone that you're going to meet when you're 60. You'll be able to sit there in a chair with someone that's younger than you and be like and you'll be the one that they don't feel alone.

You don't know, you could be 80 years old sitting in a hospital bed and a 25 year old could be struggling with something. And because you struggled with that back when you were 30, now this person has a hope that's going to carry them a lifetime because of this random person they met in a hospital bed. You just don't know. So the things we're sharing, it's because of that understanding that everything does happen for a reason. Even I know it hurts. I know it sucks to hear, but even if it's bad, it's a necessity.

You have to go through the valleys to get to the mountaintops. You don't just land on a mountaintop. A plane doesn't just come pick you up and land on top of a mountain. You say you hike the hike. No, you start at the bottom, You hike your way up, you go through the turns, the curves and everything, and you get to the top.

And then at the top. Oh, there's gratitude, right? Yeah, and another thing I had, I had not finished high school. Sorry. No, that's random. When? Whenever. This is my favorite. Whenever whenever I'd moved out, I had dropped out of high school as well, so. So I was also struggling in a really bad relationship and trying to finish high and get my GED which I had gotten so. And I became anemic. Yeah, Oh yeah, that too lucky,

but yeah, so. Yeah, killing. That's true. You.

Did. Yeah. No seriously, I remember going to the school and getting a laptop and asking like I was talking to him and I was supposed to go to what is it the alternative Ed or whatever. And they weren't supposed to give me a laptop because I was in a different state, but they had given me one anyways. And lucky for them, or well, lucky for me, I wouldn't have graduated high school if it was not for them. At all. No kidding. Like lucky for them that you graduated from that school. Oh yeah, yeah, lucky for then.

No, but graduate story though, because that teacher literally came up to me and said, have you heard from your sister? Because I kind of need the laptop back and I was like, don't wear laptops out, don't wear laptops out. I got my big, I got bigger fist to fry dude, I'm. Like yeah, like I had. I can't afford dinner. Right now. I'm like my sister losing her laptop is at least Microsoft.

No, I'm just kidding. I was like, I'm like at that time genuinely though, guys, I don't think me and killing were talking. And when he asked me, I was like, Oh yeah, I'll talk. I couldn't even get a hold of killing. So I like left and I was like. We got it. The laptop, where is she at? So yeah. I did eventually return it, so you did eventually. It took a while. It was like, I didn't think you were coming back or they were like, I didn't think you were coming back. I was like, what? No, I would never take it.

I only had it for a year over. I ended up doing online through. There too I. Was doing like high school classes though, and I was just doing it through them because I was doing school at work. I would go to the pizza galore, take my laptop, I would take it to McDonald's where I was working and I would just like work while I was working and try to. It was so hard. And then you see these kids that. Are thank gosh for alternative. Ed man praise the Lord for alternative, Ed like. Seriously, like I would not have been able to get a call.

Like without it, not even just the alternative Ed, but the guys, the people they place in these positions, wow, the people that were placed in those positions really went over and beyond. I will say that like really. And they, I mean, who knows? They could be like, man, these kids are a train wreck. They, I don't know what's going on, but at the end of the day, no matter what they were feeling, thinking, they helped us. Yeah, for sure. Like help those 110 groups and yeah, shout out. To the people.

Shout out to the schools that actually help their students, like for real, because that school bless, bless them. Because I wouldn't have I would not, I wouldn't say I wouldn't be where I am today without it. I wouldn't have been able to go to college and finish my classes in college and get my bachelor's and stuff like that. But for real, like there's a lot I wouldn't have been able to do without then for sure. Yeah, it's like every step there was always something that we can look back on and you know, yeah.

For sure there. Was hoping that there was hoping that cuz guys we are going to wrap up soon. I know this episode was like smaller. It's just because we hit a lot tonight. Yeah, for sure. I think so too. I think next time we may be starting off on one of these topics we spoke about, but I'm not sure we're going. To feel like we got into some dark parts tonight, some heavy parts. I feel like we need a little bit of an uphill. I guess we need an uplift. I think a good. Balance. Share. But also we, you know, we don't need everybody getting depressed.

We need, you know, there's uplifting through it and there's so much power behind it. But you, you know, you got to go, you got to go through it. What's that saying? You got to get get through it, to go through it, go through it, to get through it. I have no idea what the saying. Is to get through it. You got to go through it to get through it. I think I literally might have made that up. I'm not sure if it's out there. I've seen it somewhere and my brain's just like.

So yeah, I think a little bit of redemption and. Yeah. Chaos. Yeah, man, isn't that quite the word chaos? And then we'll get it after that we'll get back into some more GC things. We'll make it you to see make y'all sad again. Yeah, because really and honestly it it didn't start really gone uphill until about I. Know that's. Why? It is going to be horrible, Yeah, nine years ago. And granted, all this happened about 10-15 years ago. So we're starting to get into like four or five years or or four or five years into it.

So about 11-12 years ago still. Well, I don't know that long, but. Yeah, you guys are probably going to be with us on a little bit of back and forth timeline wise, but. Yeah, we're trying to keep it as much organized as we possibly can, but it's it's difficult to do when, but yeah, so. And at some point, we're going to open the platform for whoever's listening, if anyone ever wants to. It's just an opportunity if anyone at this podcast, if anyone is in there, even if it's one person to be able to reach out and also like ask questions or whatever.

And regards to this podcast, So Kaylene, I think it is time for us to go and I'm going to go sleep so good. All right, me too. Honestly. Now I'm going to call you after I get off. Yeah, I was like, go ahead. OK. All right, Kaylene, I'll talk to you in a second. And whoever's listening, we are excited to have you with us and we're excited to have you back. And thanks for engaging and more so listening these past two episodes as we kind of just shared. So we, I, I always want to say we will see you next time, but you will hear us next time.

Yes. All right, Kalian, Bye. All righty, bye. See ya.

The briefing