It Felt Like a Movie… Until It Didn’t

OK, welcome back to our podcast, guys.

We kind of went a little overboard on the last one, so we

apologize. This is the first time we've

done this. So we're also trying to manage

the time and like the time length of the podcast and

everything. So you might get some shorter

ones, but you might get some long ones or bad.

So, Kaylene, what incarnation? I wasn't attorney then.

I think we're going to kind of talk about more of when we left

our environments, right? Yeah.

So you, I feel like you're, you got something to say.

So you, you, what's that saying? You fly this plane.

You. You fly this plane?

No, It's called Let's land this plane.

I don't know. Killing you.

Push the gas pedal. OK, I'll become the pilot.

Oh my gosh. So basically, I'm not too sure,

but I think like I had said in the last one, I think I had

moved out around 17. I guess we can say moved out,

which isn't necessarily exactly what happened, but I was asked

to leave. And so I called.

I had called somebody. Well, I called a lot of people.

Nobody answered. So I finally called the last

person and they answered and they came and picked me up.

I had all my stuff packed and I had just left for you.

I guess I can ask you because I'm not really sure how long

after me leaving did you leave? Because I'm not too sure about

that. I don't.

I think we talked about it briefly, but.

So there was somebody involved in the school system and I

started reaching out to get, I don't know, I was losing my

mind. So I and A lot of people look

back and they're like, you were so fun.

I'm like, I was fun because when I was at home, I was happy.

And second of all, I wasn't someone that now in my healing,

I feel like my healing has been really heavy for the people

around me and I feel so bad. If anyone's listening and you're

in my healing stage with me, I'm so sorry and I want to say thank

you. It's so hard that you know,

healing has triggers and everything like that.

So people that stick with you and your healing guys when you

start healing, really, really appreciate those people.

Second, though, going back to what you asked the person in the

school system, which I'm pretty sure helped you as well.

I think we had a couple of the same people that, you know, kind

of saw the in between, I think. Yeah, so.

That's basically why they had no choice but to let me leave.

But anyways. Yeah.

So there was a person that was involved in both of our lives at

some point outside of family, everything like that.

And we got some logical like law information that you can leave

at 17. That was the best person that I

feel like could have been brought into my life at that

moment because that is exactly what I needed was to get out of

the house. And so I I left at 17 and I also

joined the military. So because I graduated high

school, I did high school online.

I was working a couple jobs. You know, obviously I had my

apartment, things like that for a little bit.

Meanwhile, trying to maintain like alcohol started getting the

alcoholism and all that. So it was like, you know,

craziness, but I ended up joining the military.

I remember I took a friend to go pick up some of my stuff from

the parent, from the person's house, from the person's house I

was living at. I always took somebody with me

because I, I think you just learn, right?

Anything you do, you just learn. And going to that house.

I just always had someone with me.

Even when I enlisted for the military, I took my recruiter to

go into the house with me. So when I left, I don't know,

like trying to think of how I felt in that moment.

I don't even know what I felt or how I felt.

I think I was, I don't know. I think I was so angry at that

point. I had so much like I I became

angry for a little bit guys like I'm being serious, I.

You also have a lot of questions.

Yeah, and I, I got angry. I had a roomie, I had a friend

and she really got the wits end of it.

And I feel so bad for her because she never deserved that.

And I didn't know where to place my hurt, my anger.

And I was that person behind closed doors.

I, I, I never hit her or anything.

It wasn't like that. It was just, I, I was so lost

and you know, you hurt the people who are around you

definitely when you're spiraling or whatever.

So as I've gone through healing and everything like that,

obviously I'm aware of my triggers and I, I know when to

remove myself now. I left at 17.

So I, Kayleen, we actually just talked about this recently.

I had a 16th birthday and as we've shared in the stricter

household, we didn't really get to have friends over and stuff.

So I was able to have a friend over for my 16th birthday and I

was so excited. Guys, do you know, it feels like

a kid in a candy shop when you get to like do something that

normal kids get to do. Like, Oh my gosh, I got to hang

out with a friend. Like, I don't know, I don't even

know how to explain it. And so I got to have this friend

over. And because our lives look very

much like you're going to work. If you need something, you're

going to work. We were in cornfields at the age

of 13 working. We were not allowed to do

anything else besides go to school and work.

Go to school and work if you want anything, work, work, work.

So yeah, we can talk about that more in like a future episode.

Anyways, my 16th birthday. I'm so excited she gets to this

friend of mine gets to come over.

Well, I have a little bit of like hyper, you know, I'm, I'm

kind of a hyper person sometimes.

So a lot of times I'm just very hyper.

I don't know. I just, I think it runs and our

family were just like hyper people.

But so for that birthday I had a laser.

They had gotten a laser for the dogs and I had shown or shown I

like shine the laser over. The Wall.

Where this person was sitting, well the dog jumped or they had

told me stop doing the laser. But I'm so happy.

Do you know how cool it was to like we didn't really get

birthdays and stuff like that. So like it's my 16th birthday

and I get to have a friend over. Like I don't even care.

There was nothing else happening.

Nothing else happened, but that was everything to me.

Just being able to have a friend over like it was the coolest

thing ever. So I am shining this light the

laser and they told me to stop. Well, I'm like I'm going to do

it again. So I'm like ha, watch this and I

shine the laser again while the dog jumps up and scratches this

person's belly and I should have stopped.

You know, if someone's like, hey, can you well, you know,

nicely say stop or whatever. I knew immediately that I just

messed up immensely. I like when you learn behaviors

of people, you know, when people's mannerisms.

In that moment, I was like, I literally feel, I, I felt so

much shame. I'm like, why did I do that?

That person stood up and told me to go out to his truck and I was

like, he's like, tell your friend to go upstairs and come

out to my truck. I just knew.

I can't explain when you know I remember.

About. It something so bad is about to

happen. It's like you can't even prepare

yourself. It's like you you're, you just

have to walk. It's like if you go hiking and

it starts raining, you have no choice.

You just have to finish the hike.

So I'm like, at this point I go out to the truck.

Then I knew it was going to get worse because that person rolled

up all the windows. I'm like, Oh my gosh, I wish I

just never would have picked up the laser.

This person screams at me. I'm, I mean, I didn't even fight

back. I, I was just sitting there at

certain times I fought back and I would scream back or try to,

you know, anything. But there were times like you,

there's no point. And that day I, I was so excited

that it was my 16th birthday. I think it just took everything

out of me. And this person just sat there

and screamed at me with the windows up and I'm like, I, it,

it was honestly the worst birthday ever.

Like we didn't really have like birthdays like other kids, but

that was an exciting one for me. And in an instant, because of a

decision I made with a laser, it turned into one of the worst

memories of my life. And not worst memories of my

life. I want to go to that extent

because there's worse things that have happened, but it was a

bad memory. But it was your birthday.

I mean, yeah, your 16th birthday at 20th birthday that you're

going to remember for a while, so.

You know, everyone makes a big deal out of your 16th birthday.

So I was like, oh, cool. Like I finally get to like, have

something. So yeah, I, I don't know the

timeline of how long we were in the truck.

I just know and when I when these situations happened, it

wasn't just like I told you to stop, you need to listen.

It was degrading, dehumanizing. It was made you question if you

should be alive kind of situations like why am I here?

Why do I make the decisions? Why am I the person I am?

Like, should I even be alive right now?

Because the words and the way that you're being spoken to

makes you feel that way and you just feel like you shouldn't, I

don't know how to explain it. It just really, it really makes

you like sink into a seat. And as that was happening, I

didn't fight back. I walked inside and I walked

upstairs. And at that time I had a bed and

that house, that, that house. But my friend was laying on the

bed. And I remember I just, we didn't

really say much. I just lay there and I looked at

her and I said, I'm really sorry.

And I just laid there and cried and we just both kind of laid

there. And I don't really remember much

after that. So yeah, that's kind of how my

life looked in that house. So when I moved out, that friend

actually let me stay with them, and I stayed with her for a

little bit. And I wish that I could have

like, known what I know now and been a better friend to that

person because I just kind of started running around after

that, bouncing from friend to friend houses and that person.

And her mom actually really helped me out and that dynamic.

And she saw that night too. So it's like, I wish I could

have just, you know, known now, known then what I know now.

So that's kind of where I went after that.

And then I met some friends and start staying with them and then

a bunch happened after that. So that's kind of, and we'll go

more in detail with all that because that's a whole nother,

whole nother thing. But yeah, there was a lot that

happened before I left. Obviously, mind you, killing, we

have all this happening separate from each other and we're still

carrying all this stuff before so and there's so much to say to

whoever's listening like obviously everyone's got a story

and everyone can sit there and explain.

So whoever's listening, thanks for listening into our podcast.

And we have to get deep that way as the podcast goes on, it's

going to glorify God because these situations that we're

sharing and what we went through, and as we keep going

and things get deeper or harder to listen to and harder for us

to talk about at the end of it, it's beautiful.

There's it's hard to, it's hard to sit and look back and feel, I

don't know, it's looking at life now.

It's like, Oh my gosh, like God listen to every single prayer

and yeah, I think right. But Keeley, do you want to kind

of share anything on it? And and so it wasn't long after

I had left that you, you had left her correct because.

I feel like that was the question.

Well, the way I just. Like, no, no, I I just couldn't.

No, it's OK. It's all right.

I was just killing. I just remember I don't.

Remember. Yeah, because like.

You were there and then you were gone, and then you were there

for a second and then you were gone, you know?

Well, it's not like I'm laughing because it's true, but you.

Were like Sonic, like I was happy and then you were gone and

then you came in and then and I was like, Oh my gosh, wow.

She's she's. Fast, I know.

I guess the well, I guess I'll explain kind of the night that I

had that that I finally had left and never went back.

Like, well, I don't want to say never it.

I hadn't seen them for the good seven.

I I don't know how many years, but once I left, I was gone.

I, I took off and I do feel guilty because I, I know I, I

feel guilty because I left the household, but I didn't realize

in my head like I was leaving so much more, you know, like I

definitely could have went a different way about it or try to

at least stay in contact more. Let me switch.

Let me switch the narrative real quick, just really quick.

And then I'm going to let you finish.

Sorry, I had to interrupt you. It was urgent.

I'm going to switch the narrative because you're saying

I also felt that way in regards to you and other people.

If I would have kept going, and I sat with that for a long time

as well, if I would have kept going, this never would happen.

It's my fault. This, this.

OK, let me switch the narrative. If you never would have left,

yes, obviously you should never have went through the stuff you

went through. But if you never had left, you

wouldn't be where you're at now. And you actually left and you

did more for me by leaving now looking back, because you gave

me a niece and nephew that are like a world to me that I would

do anything for. So all of these these bad things

happen, but it literally grew a garden.

And yeah, all of that sucked and was unfortunate and nobody

should have to go through that. But now sitting in this chair

and speaking in present day, and this is present day, not 16 year

old us, you brought in two beautiful babies into this

world. And now in my head, if you

wouldn't have left and went through whatever you went

through that got you to where you are, where would where would

we be? Would we have a relationship?

Would we have been able to get where we're at?

Would we be doing a podcast? So I just wanted to start a

narrative on that a little bit, but OK, go ahead.

Yeah, and you're completely right.

Like if that's why I'm, I'm grateful for everything that I

went through because I both of us, I mean, you have a wonderful

life and I literally your niece and nephew and my like babies.

I love them so much. I would literally go through

everything again if it mean having them, if it meant having

them And Jared, I guess for OK, so I had gotten court ordered to

be in the house. And so I would say I wasn't

there very long. I would say months, like my very

short, short period of time because I I had to have been 16

whenever I had gotten court ordered or 17.

And then I found out in that the state that we were in 17.

You're considered an adult Whenever, whenever, whenever I

had figured that out and they had kicked, they were kicking me

out. We had gotten which I'd OK, let

me let me back up for a second. We had gotten to an argument

that night. They had kicked me out.

I left. They tried contacting the place

to find me but they couldn't do anything because I was

considered an adult at that time which I did not know that but

but I feel like everything happens for a reason and so they

couldn't couldn't do anything about it.

Kaylene, And at this point, I'm interrupting you again, this at

this point, this was a controlled tactic.

I feel like looking back, because love protects, love

listens, why stands with you. This was a tactic of control.

So you couldn't go back to what they didn't want you to, right?

And it could have been protection.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to put words in somebody else's

mouth or anything like that. It could have been protection in

their eyes. But knowing maybe that's my

perspective because of what I went through with them, it could

seem like a controlled tactic to be like, no, you're stuck here

and this is. But anyways, go ahead.

Right, like we're going to kick you out.

But they did, little did they know, they actually did did me a

favor because I was like, oh, wait, wait a second.

They can't come get me. Because I remember looking at

the person I was staying with and I was like, oh God.

I was like, Oh my gosh, they're trying to contact the police to,

you know, find me, but they can't come get me because I'm 17

and I'm an adult, like technically an adult and in that

state. So I remember that night that

they, sorry, I remember that night that they had asked me to

leave. Basically that argument which

almost every single 90% of the arguments that we've had from me

being 12 to the age I am today, I kid you not.

Still to this day, it's about the person that I had lived with

prior. They found out I was contacting

them and they did not like that. And they were very, very

infuriated when they found that out.

And like, like I just remember getting into an argument and for

some reason I think that they were making food or something,

they one of them accidentally had sliced their finger and they

had to go to the hospital and they said we don't want you here

whenever we get back. So I packed all my stuff and I

had fun. And then I never honestly after

that. That just made me remember that.

Wow, like when? The Yeah, I yeah, like whenever

and then him going to the arts, whenever they had went to the

hospital and then that that was the night that I had.

That was the night that I had left.

And then I didn't come back. And then some stuff happened,

which what the person I was staying with, which I had been

in a relationship with, but we will definitely get into that

later. But yeah, so that's what I

remember from the 9th that I had finally left that house and I

felt so free. And I feel like whenever I was

being, you know, going back and forth, I was very like confused.

And so whenever I finally got freedom again, I didn't know

what to do with it. I was like, I feel like I just

kind of wanted to. I never wanted to be home.

I always wanted to like go out with friends or do anything.

I wanted to go walk. It didn't matter.

I would walk to the store. I just felt so free like again.

And I felt like I had my life back because that was my life

prior. Like I was able to maybe too

much freedom, like I had said, you know, but at the same time,

like I finally was able to. But little did I know I was

going back into another stricter environment.

And then at first I had freedom and then later on in the

relationship that freedom slowly stopped.

And so you know, I which I have the story for like down the

road, but. Yeah, and whoever is listening,

buckle up. Is going to be hard, yeah.

It's going to be hard to listen to, but at the same time, if you

have you ever like watched a suspenseful suspenseful,

suspenseful what is happening suspenseful movie and you're

like listening not even suspenseful.

I can't get that word right. You guys know what I'm saying?

I don't care right now it. Is I'm.

Going to leave it what it is, but not even just that.

Genre movies, just in general. When you're watching a movie and

you're listening and sometimes it's hard to watch or whatever

and then you see the end and hold on and then you keep

watching the movie. And even though if it can be

hard to watch or hard to listen to or anything like that, like

if anyone listening has seen, I can only imagine that is a great

movie and I can only imagine too it.

But if you keep watching, it's, you see by the end the glory,

and I know I keep saying this, but the glory of God and like

the outcome because not all things end bad.

And I think for a long time I felt like all things ended bad.

So when you're listening to this podcast, if it gets too much and

if it's triggering, stop listening.

I'm being very clear on that. Do not listen.

This is literally us putting a trigger warning out there right

now because things are going to get deeper.

They are going to get harder to listen to, not in a way that we

are trying to, but to share our story and where we're at now.

Some there's some things that we're not going to share and

there's some things that we are going to share.

Some things are not meant to be shared definitely on a public,

public like platform where other people are listening.

But some things when it comes to us and what we're choosing to

share, we're going to share it because of the reason.

Like we've said multiple times, there's people out there that we

know what it's like to feel alone.

If I could have had somebody just sit there and be like, I've

been through this before and not just it's going to be OK, you're

going to be all right, you're going to be OK.

You're going to be OK. I still get so mad.

I'm like, dude, you don't know. Like you don't know what I'm

going to. You don't know what we've been

drugged through. You don't know.

You're going to be OK. Everything's going to be fine.

Now I feel like obviously I can sit there and be like, you're

going to be OK. Like everything does work out.

But in that moment now I know not to look at someone who's

they could be struggling because their plant just died.

I'm not going to look at them. Be like, you're going to be OK.

No, like, I'm so sorry that your plant died.

Like people, they feel things. People feel things.

Guys, we can't just be sitting there.

You'll be all right. You're, you know, and it's easy

to do that, but it makes people feel invalidated and, and not

every single thing needs a complete deep like conversation

and something some people don't want to talk too.

So I mean, I'm hitting a couple different things here.

Some people don't want to talk. They'll talk when they're ready,

all these things. But what I'm saying is you never

know, guys, what someone's dealing with.

So I felt alone a lot. So when I'm speaking, I'm saying

what things we're choosing to share.

It's because where we're at now, we, I don't think we would be

sitting here sharing these things if we were still in the

midst of it. Nobody, you know, we, we

couldn't even figure it out ourselves.

We couldn't figure out left from right them for a long time.

So, yeah, Kayleen, I just was saying that because some things

are going to be, they could be hard for people to listen to

too. But if you listen, you'll see

the redemption at the end and that there is hope and there's

power. Guys, you're, it's so easy to

think when something bad's happening.

That is, it's so bad. But do you know what?

Do you know what bad things do? And not even just bad things,

hard things, things that are hard to navigate, to understand.

You'll get out of that whether it takes 5 or 10 years, and

you'll look back. You learn from something from

that. You gain.

Something from that you have understanding of someone that

you're going to meet when you're 60.

You'll be able to sit there in a chair with someone that's

younger than you and be like and you'll be the one that they

don't feel alone. You don't know, you could be 80

years old sitting in a hospital bed and a 25 year old could be

struggling with something. And because you struggled with

that back when you were 30, now this person has a hope that's

going to carry them a lifetime because of this random person

they met in a hospital bed. You just don't know.

So the things we're sharing, it's because of that

understanding that everything does happen for a reason.

Even I know it hurts. I know it sucks to hear, but

even if it's bad, it's a necessity.

You have to go through the valleys to get to the

mountaintops. You don't just land on a

mountaintop. A plane doesn't just come pick

you up and land on top of a mountain.

You say you hike the hike. No, you start at the bottom, You

hike your way up, you go through the turns, the curves and

everything, and you get to the top.

And then at the top. Oh, there's gratitude, right?

Yeah, and another thing I had, I had not finished high school.

Sorry. No, that's random.

When? Whenever.

This is my favorite. Whenever whenever I'd moved out,

I had dropped out of high school as well, so.

So I was also struggling in a really bad relationship and

trying to finish high and get my GED which I had gotten so.

And I became anemic. Yeah, Oh yeah, that too lucky,

but yeah, so. Yeah, killing.

That's true. You.

Did. Yeah.

No seriously, I remember going to the school and getting a

laptop and asking like I was talking to him and I was

supposed to go to what is it the alternative Ed or whatever.

And they weren't supposed to give me a laptop because I was

in a different state, but they had given me one anyways.

And lucky for them, or well, lucky for me, I wouldn't have

graduated high school if it was not for them.

At all. No kidding.

Like lucky for them that you graduated from that school.

Oh yeah, yeah, lucky for then. No, but graduate story though,

because that teacher literally came up to me and said, have you

heard from your sister? Because I kind of need the

laptop back and I was like, don't wear laptops out, don't

wear laptops out. I got my big, I got bigger fist

to fry dude, I'm. Like yeah, like I had.

I can't afford dinner. Right now.

I'm like my sister losing her laptop is at least Microsoft.

No, I'm just kidding. I was like, I'm like at that

time genuinely though, guys, I don't think me and killing were

talking. And when he asked me, I was

like, Oh yeah, I'll talk. I couldn't even get a hold of

killing. So I like left and I was like.

We got it. The laptop, where is she at?

So yeah. I did eventually return it, so

you did eventually. It took a while.

It was like, I didn't think you were coming back or they were

like, I didn't think you were coming back.

I was like, what? No, I would never take it.

I only had it for a year over. I ended up doing online through.

There too I. Was doing like high school

classes though, and I was just doing it through them because I

was doing school at work. I would go to the pizza galore,

take my laptop, I would take it to McDonald's where I was

working and I would just like work while I was working and try

to. It was so hard.

And then you see these kids that.

Are thank gosh for alternative. Ed man praise the Lord for

alternative, Ed like. Seriously, like I would not have

been able to get a call. Like without it, not even just

the alternative Ed, but the guys, the people they place in

these positions, wow, the people that were placed in those

positions really went over and beyond.

I will say that like really. And they, I mean, who knows?

They could be like, man, these kids are a train wreck.

They, I don't know what's going on, but at the end of the day,

no matter what they were feeling, thinking, they helped

us. Yeah, for sure.

Like help those 110 groups and yeah, shout out.

To the people. Shout out to the schools that

actually help their students, like for real, because that

school bless, bless them. Because I wouldn't have I would

not, I wouldn't say I wouldn't be where I am today without it.

I wouldn't have been able to go to college and finish my classes

in college and get my bachelor's and stuff like that.

But for real, like there's a lot I wouldn't have been able to do

without then for sure. Yeah, it's like every step there

was always something that we can look back on and you know, yeah.

For sure there. Was hoping that there was hoping

that cuz guys we are going to wrap up soon.

I know this episode was like smaller.

It's just because we hit a lot tonight.

Yeah, for sure. I think so too.

I think next time we may be starting off on one of these

topics we spoke about, but I'm not sure we're going.

To feel like we got into some dark parts tonight, some heavy

parts. I feel like we need a little bit

of an uphill. I guess we need an uplift.

I think a good. Balance.

Share. But also we, you know, we don't

need everybody getting depressed.

We need, you know, there's uplifting through it and there's

so much power behind it. But you, you know, you got to

go, you got to go through it. What's that saying?

You got to get get through it, to go through it, go through it,

to get through it. I have no idea what the saying.

Is to get through it. You got to go through it to get

through it. I think I literally might have

made that up. I'm not sure if it's out there.

I've seen it somewhere and my brain's just like.

So yeah, I think a little bit of redemption and.

Yeah. Chaos.

Yeah, man, isn't that quite the word chaos?

And then we'll get it after that we'll get back into some more GC

things. We'll make it you to see make

y'all sad again. Yeah, because really and

honestly it it didn't start really gone uphill until about

I. Know that's.

Why? It is going to be horrible,

Yeah, nine years ago. And granted, all this happened

about 10-15 years ago. So we're starting to get into

like four or five years or or four or five years into it.

So about 11-12 years ago still. Well, I don't know that long,

but. Yeah, you guys are probably

going to be with us on a little bit of back and forth timeline

wise, but. Yeah, we're trying to keep it as

much organized as we possibly can, but it's it's difficult to

do when, but yeah, so. And at some point, we're going

to open the platform for whoever's listening, if anyone

ever wants to. It's just an opportunity if

anyone at this podcast, if anyone is in there, even if it's

one person to be able to reach out and also like ask questions

or whatever. And regards to this podcast, So

Kaylene, I think it is time for us to go and I'm going to go

sleep so good. All right, me too.

Honestly. Now I'm going to call you after

I get off. Yeah, I was like, go ahead.

OK. All right, Kaylene, I'll talk to

you in a second. And whoever's listening, we are

excited to have you with us and we're excited to have you back.

And thanks for engaging and more so listening these past two

episodes as we kind of just shared.

So we, I, I always want to say we will see you next time, but

you will hear us next time. Yes.

All right, Kalian, Bye. All righty, bye.

See ya.

The briefing