When parents become strangers

OK, Hi guys. Welcome back to the podcast. Thanks for joining us this far into it. We're so grateful for everyone that started following and has been following and all the feedback we're getting already. I think I'm going to start this one with explaining we are moving in a way that we want to give language to things others don't understand yet. So looking back, if we could have had someone that could have explained a situation more, who would have like went through something similar to what we went through.

Because obviously, like every situation looks different for everybody, but if there's a little bit of guidance and certain things, it can help you in the long run. But sharing parts of our story, it's hitting areas even like looking back when we talk, I'm like, Oh my goodness, if I could have heard that when I was in that season, it would have helped me a lot. So we are going to talk about when parents become strangers and we're going to kind of go more into that. I know the last podcast we kind of left off in a different area, but like we've said, it is very hard for us with what we're doing and where to go and what to share and, you know, get in the timeline in exact order.

It's just not easy for us to do that. And the whole thing with this whole podcast, you know, people go through phases and things happen, but with what we're sharing, it wasn't a phase for us. The whole dynamic of everything was our environment. So with that being said, we're going to talk a little bit about how and when our parents became strangers. So at this point in our lives, we are both navigating life on our own. Kaylena's doing on her, her own with her, her little family and then I'm out here having drive through battles with KFC.

Quick back story because after we recorded, I can't remember like 2 weeks ago, I went through KFC to get specifically for the large Mac and cheese and it's right down the road from here. I was dead set. I was on FaceTime with killing. I'm like I'm getting a Mac and cheese. So I go through and I drive away with the bag and they gave me the small 1 and I was like Oh no no no no no. I was like, so I drove back because. You paid for the large. Yes, and I wanted the large too. So I'm like, no, my mind was dead set on that Mac and cheese.

So like, I'm getting that Mac and cheese. So I go back through because the first time when I ordered, I said large Mac and cheese and the guy acted like he knew me. He was like a large Keeling, remember? And I was like, I feel like I just got judged. I literally told Keeling I was like, he doesn't even know how many people are in my car. Excuse me, I'm sorry, did you just say large ham? Large, OK. So then when I drove back, I was like, hey, I didn't get the large Mac and cheese. And when I got out to the window he was laughing too.

And he I was like, do you want the other one back? He's like, no, just keep it. I was like, OK, OK, anyway, well. That worked out. Yeah, that did work out. And honestly, it was a bomb. I think KFC. Has KFC and cheese is so good. I live by that. So OK with stuff that we've talked about like previously, we are have been like building up in this podcast a lot and we haven't really hit super deep areas. I mean, we have in certain things, but we're also being careful with like we've said with what we're sharing and not dragging other people's information into our story, even if they were involved in something that affected us, right.

So I kind of like was thinking about stuff that we have shared on the podcast and I've really, really took a lot of time when I moved across the country and really screwed the bottom of the barrel. Like I've shared any way I reacted, I would go home and I would study, I would listen to podcasts. I would work on navigating myself in a way that, OK, I don't want to react this way. Even if there was a certain way that I acted that I thought was normal growing up, I wanted to completely navigate, OK.

If I went into the gas station and I was irritated about them being out of stock or something, just something small and the way that I would react, I was like, OK, why am I reacting that way and why am I so irritated? And I was even irritated about that thing being out of stock. It's so much easier to be irritated about something small like that than to look behind you and see the whole ocean behind you of things that you're actually being bothered by. So I really. Started like paying attention I guess to my reactions and one of the main things growing up with one of our parents was anger was very surfaced and it was like really hard to navigate.

You don't know what you're going to get each day. You don't know what mood you're going to get. And it was hard to navigate because at certain times things would be really, really good. And then out of nowhere, it would be this complete rocket of just anger out of nowhere. And I really wanted to figure out why it was this cycle. And so I started like really thinking about it when we get really angry as people. I mean, anger is just an emotion that happens in everybody's lives. There is a certain level that anger can get to to where your body is shaking.

I've been so angry to the point that my whole body has been shaking and I've just been really worked up. And then afterwards I'm exhausted. It's because when you get that angry, it's an adrenaline rush. Adrenaline is addicting. So I started thinking about it and I was like, OK And I started looking at situations from the past with other people that I was affected by. I didn't understand it. I was really trying to understand it with the adrenaline thing. That's why it turns into the cycle until you start navigating.

I think people can be addicted to that adrenaline. Do you know what I'm saying, Kayleen? Like, does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, that makes. Makes sense? So a lot of my journey, I dealt with anger from another person, which in the long run I got angry, not even just because of that, just because of all of everything surrounding me. I I feel like I was a very, very angry person for a little bit. Well, it's kind of like a domino effect to like, like the environment you're in or, you know, the energy bounces off people, you know what I'm saying?

Like, yeah. Is that what you're kind? Of yeah, because that's, that's an environment thing too. Like if you've ever walked into a room healing and say you're really, really happy and you walk into a room and the environment's very mellow, you almost feel like you have to like shrink a little bit to match the energy in the room. Does that make sense? So like if you're in the household, I'm a very hyper person. So I. Right. Yeah, I just think we're more energized than the average person. Yeah. It was really hard going into the show.

Yeah. So in that stricter household too, it was really hard. That's like me going and beating my boxer. I have a boxer dog. I can't go beat him every time someone comes into the house because he's more excited. That's his personality. You can't sit there and beat someone for their personality. And so in that certain household, the stricter household, I used to get in a lot of trouble because I I was more energized for sure. And there was just some situations that happened in that household that my energy wasn't well.

I guess because if you know what I'm saying, like it's you kind of had to. Meet people where they're at too. But as a kid, you're just, you know, being a kid, I guess. Right, right. But with the whole, with all of that being said, with my parents not being present in my life, I think there's so much that happened, obviously, and with everything that I reflect on and everything that I try to navigate, it's to be better. And just because you come from a certain environment, that doesn't mean that's who you are.

And I struggled really bad with this for a long time because if you come from a family, it's like you immediately, oh, well, this is what I'm from. This is what I know. And a lot of people use that. I've met people in my life that are older than I am. I'm 28 right now that can use everything that's happened to them as an excuse. And it's like you can't live your entire life sitting there. OK, Well, when I was six, I'm reacting this way to you right now because I went through a lot. No, that's not OK.

That's not OK. You can't go around the world, go to restaurants and treat people like crap and all of this stuff because you had hard life. You know? You can't do that. Kellene, is there anything you want to like add on to that or do you want me to keep like diving a little deeper? Yeah, go ahead and dive a little deeper because I feel like you're doing a good job at explaining, you know? To get a start on it anyways, yeah, yeah. So I, this was just me. So me and Kellene, we have hit a point in the podcast where we did get split.

OK. So moving forward, it's going to be hearing some of my story and then hearing some of Kellene's story because there's a certain point where we can't do it together because we weren't together. So that's where we're at right now. So when I was living in the stricter household, obviously there was things that happened there and then vice versa with Kayleen. So the story I'm going to share, this represents kind of what I was just explaining. I had not seen my payments from that household. It had been like a couple months because as time was progressing, I would go and something would happen.

And then each time I didn't go back, it would be longer increments of time. So at first it started slow, like I wouldn't see them for two months and then something would happen. And as I was like getting older, it started increasing 3 months, six months. And now I'm years into it. And I know I'm only 28 and it sounds crazy, but it feels like a lifetime, which is a lifetime for me. But hearing it, it's like people will say, oh, you're only 28. I'm like, I don't feel like I'm 28 with everything that we experienced.

I do not feel like I'm 28. Yeah. So I, one of my friends was with me and we had went to meet this side of the family for breakfast. We had went to Cracker Barrel, I believe. I believe it was Cracker Barrel. I've worked in restaurants, I've worked in fast food, things like that. I don't care my my perspective and where I stand. Even if a waitress is rude to me, I still always tip. I think that it's very important and I've said this a lot of times in my life to people because I've had friends that I've gone out with and they don't tip and I'm like, OK, so if you're having a bad day at work, should you not get paid?

Because waitresses also have bad days. They just, they can't hide it as easy as someone who works in an office or something like that, because it's customer service. You're going to have bad days. So just because they're having a bad day doesn't mean they shouldn't get paid. Now with that being said, if you've ever been to Cracker Barrel in the morning, it's breakfast. You know, that's like going to a breakfast diner. It's going to be compacted with people, sometimes a long wait. Well, we had got sat at a smaller table.

So of course, you know, there was, I don't even know how many of us there were and we're all sitting there. Well, the person we had been with, I don't know how to say it like the person we've been with, because I'm struggling to not, you know, exploit anybody. So I struggle in that area a little bit. But yeah, you know what I mean. But like, that's fine, yeah. OK, just you're doing good, you're doing good, you're doing a good a job explaining. OK, thanks. Thanks, You're doing a good job. Thanks.

OK, so I was with the parents from the stricter household. When we were sitting at the table, one of the parents got extremely mad because of this table we were sitting at and ends up calling the manager over. I started feeling uncomfortable because I know how it can escalate quickly and so they call the manager over all this. It turns into like this whole situation. It's so, I feel so awkward and you know, the people at the table that were there with them as well were starting to complain and it just turned into this thing.

I mean, when the manager gets called over, we all know how that goes. It's, it's not that a scene was caused, but it's making things more complicated. I'm trying to say it in a way that, you know, not exaggerating the situation, but also explaining what it was. You know what I'm you know what I mean? Well, my friend had got up to use the bathroom. Our food had just come out not too long before this. And she gets up to use the bathroom and they get so mad. They like get up and leave and they're walking outside and I'm waiting on my friend to come out of the bathroom and she gets back and she's like, I didn't even get to finish my food.

And they walk out. They didn't tip the waitress or anything. I'm like Oh my goodness. So I'm walking outside and I'm trying to see my parent because one of the parents weren't we weren't related to and then one was like our biological parent and I was like trying to talk to my parent. We had walked outside so I hadn't. This is going to sound insane. I hope you guys follow the story, but this is just what it is because we don't want to exploit. People. So that's why.

Well, this is going to be an insane podcast, OK? So so. Was my biological parent. I definitely feel like we could have used different names, but we're in it now. OK guys, I wanted a relationship with Sock. I was just looking at my sock and shoe and I was like, huh? But anywho, you're you're doing a good job. You're doing a good job. Just start where you. Yeah, just yeah. So Sock. It's so us coded like. Something you would. Say. So. Honestly, killing Yeah. OK, so I I've always wanted a relationship with Sock.

I Hold on guys, this is a serious story, but OK, so as time when killing stop laughing earlier in these podcasts, we've explained the strictness control as well. OK, so when it came to sock, there was such a control dynamic there. If shoe was mad, we couldn't have we couldn't talk to sock. OK, so just kind of put that into perspective. Imagine wanting this relationship with sock. Who is your biological? Who is someone that everybody wants a sock. You know everyone wants that every child. So I'm trying to talk to sock and I cannot even explain.

It's like shoe was like get in the car, get in the car to sock. I was like trying to talk and I literally was so sad because I, I didn't get to see them for so long and because of the control and they just got in the car and left. And me and my friend actually we did go back inside and tip the waitress because I mean, going in and making a scene like that, we didn't go in public a whole lot. So when we did and something like that happened, it stressed me out because with how things could escalate at home, that's why I got to a point where I was, it's like, I don't even know if I should meet them in public either because we're just acting like this anywhere, you know?

It's so awkward and uncomfortable. So I'm trying to explain like when I say anger and stuff like that, it was so surfaced and my time there with them and it really takes away who you are when that's happening. So we got shoe and sock and then we have toothbrush. Toothbrush is going to be our freedom parent. We're going to say it. When toothbrush got sick, I don't want to use that because that's what we heard all of our childhood and I don't really like that. But to protect their personal life, we're just going to stay sick.

And when Killeen was gone? Every. Not every time, but there was times. That if I got in trouble or something, I got told go shove your arm and go shove. And you're just like them and, and it's like when you're trying to deal with someone being sick in that way and then you're coming home and it's being thrown in your face and you're getting told to do that. I mean, I cannot even explain the toll that takes on you. So there was one time and I want to share my part in things too. So that's what I'm going to do really quick.

We lived in this like farmhouse and there was acorns that fell off all the trees. So we mowed as kids and every time before we mowed, we have to pick, pick up the acorns, you know, so it doesn't hit the blade, stuff like that. We would always go out and pick up the acorns. Well, Kayleen wasn't here at this time. I was going through so much in this house, I started getting mad. So there was one day I went outside to mow the lawn and in my head I was like, I'm not going to pick up the acorns. I was like, I'm sick of it.

I'm always getting screamed at and I don't know how it is with vulgar language on here. So if you guys have kids that are around or listening, I am going to use some vulgar language for a second. So I just want you to be aware of that if you have the podcast sound loud or anything like that. The way that I grew up in that household, I was told that all the time I'm just a stupid bitch and all of this stuff. Like that's what was spoken to me as a kid. That's how I spoke to on the daily. Well, I go out and I Mull this one and I'm like, OK, I'm doing it and I'm running over these acorns and I cannot even make this up.

I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew I shouldn't have done that. I was just so mad and so much was happening. Toothbrush had gotten sick and Killeen was there and all this stuff was happening. I didn't realize when you're mowing and you know how the grass like, goes out of one side of the lawn mower, these acorns were hit in the house. And it was like, And then it hit the window and I was like, oh, I was like, OK, I knew immediately because shoe runs out of the house and starts screaming at me, cussing me out.

And the one thing they always resorted to was I literally went up to my room that I had there and I literally just laid and cried because I mean, I get it. I should not have done that, right? But at the same time, when I'm hearing this all the time and I'm always in trouble for everything, I just in that moment, that's how I reacted and that's what I did. And I regretted it immediately because, you know, I shouldn't have done that guys. And I just, I don't even know how old I was at that time and I never did it again.

I'll tell you that much. But that's kind of like was one of my reactions. And I wanted to share that because I don't want to just sit here and be like, they did this, they did this, they did this because you know, when you're going through tough stuff, you're going to react. And sometimes your reactions are wrong. And I reacted in that way. And, you know, I got the repercussions from it. So there's so much that happened that built up to us being in a point in our lives where we don't have either of our parents in our life.

And there's reasoning for that. And I saw a thing one time that said kids don't leave their parents without reasoning. Like every kid wants their parents a child. Child's not. Just going to walk away from their parent because they want, just want to, you know what I'm saying? Like every person, even if they're like 30 years old, want their parents. You look around at Christmas, Easter, all of these things and you're looking at all these families. Everyone wants family and parents. Since we did get split, like I said, we're going to be sharing situations from both sides because we were not together.

So I'm going to let Keeling kind of talk a little bit about what she was dealing with in the meantime of what I was dealing with. And we're going to kind of go back and forth and just share some of our experiences during that time frame of us not being in each other's lives. So Keeleen, I'll let you kind of share some stuff and then we'll just kind of pick a ball back and forth. OK, that that works as I was like living with toothbrush, which was the other parent I mentioned in previous podcast. I was more with the freedom parent.

So I didn't really have much rules at all. Like where is that? I am going to explain this first before I kind of go into detail what I had went through and what I had experienced. There just a few experiences out of many. One of the things I think I had done, and I don't know if this is the healthiest thing I could have done to heal from everything that happened was whenever I think about my childhood or whenever I think about what happened in the house or houses that we were like moving around or living in.

I took myself out of my body. And when I think of memories back then, it's like I'm watching I'm, I'm like an outsider looking in or like watching over everything happening. But I don't feel like it was me that it was happening to, if that makes any sense. Yeah. So a lot of the bad things, I guess I would say I started blocking out. I do remember things here and there, but I just feel like, yeah, whenever I think back on everything, I kind of see it from like an outsider looking in. Like that makes sense.

Yeah. And I guess I don't know if that's like normal, but that's what I do. But whenever I see myself back there in that situation, I don't know why, it just doesn't feel like it was me because I completely separated myself from what happened. There were times where there was things that were going on, where we were living that and just in general that really any child should have to go through. On the flip side, Adrian, I did not know a lot of the things that was happening over with you. So I feel really bad that on the flip side of things like that was happening and.

Some other things was happening and then I was, you know, in that situation, but. I think we both very guilt for each other because we weren't there for each other, but there's just nothing. Yeah. I mean, you're sitting there dealing with all of this stuff with one parent. And then on the flip side, like you said, like all of this is happening, but there's a line that's drawn. No matter how much say, even if you don't want kids or whatever, just as a human, there's a line that's drawn. I mean, you can, you know, human decency, whether I'm your child or not.

There's a line where, OK, there's just certain things you don't say and do to another human, right? You know what I mean? But OK, Kaylene, you keep. Going so I I guess like I, I felt more that I was being the the one taking care of the other person. I feel like it was more taking care of each other in a way, but it it wasn't something during that time as a child that you should really have to do. I dropped out of school and I had gotten a job at Steak 'n Shake and I was waitressing and like I had said before, I was like in Texas and stuff like that.

We were outside a lot even as kids. But as kids, you know, you don't really get into too much. I mean, you might go to the park with some friends or go over to a friend's house or, you know, especially whenever you're like 1210, 12. Well, the older I had gotten, the more things that I had started getting into that I shouldn't have really been have really been exposed to just hanging out with older people, hanging out with the wrong crowds. Truly. And honestly, a lot of what I remember is just it being me and the person I was staying with and we just moved toothbrush and we were moving around a lot.

I remember I was sharing a story back in a few podcasts ago where we were living in this house and there were people at that age, I thought it was like kind of cool because, you know, I had my friends could come over whenever they wanted and stuff. But we just were living in this house and I feel like things hadn't gotten too, too bad there at that point. Things just slowly started to like go downhill and I felt like I was trying to protect toothbrush. I thought me being there, I could save them.

There was a lot of people in my life that did not want me having a relationship with toothbrush. And there was also like a lot of things that were happening with toothbrush. And so the fact that I chose to stay there in that house, I feel like the other side completely like the strict household, I feel like they had completely shut me out. They didn't want anything to do with me. That that's how I personally felt because I would try to reach out and eventually I stopped reaching now. And you know, so yeah, it was just basically me and toothbrush and we so.

I'm going to pitch in here a little bit, so I'm going to kind of help Killian a little bit here. So because when we talk to each other, that's one thing, but when we're sitting here explaining it, it does change the the dynamic of the conversational little bit definitely because there is sure certain things that we don't want to share on here. OK, with that being said, so Killeen's with toothbrush, I'm with sock and shoe and let me explain it this way. Every part of our lives had something to do with toothbrush.

Even if he wasn't around now, killing now Killeen was living there. Killeen just because she was living there. I lived through it as well. It hit a point where everything surrounded toothbrush. I could anything. I did. Oh, you're talking a toothbrush. Oh, you're talking a toothbrush. And I'm like. Yeah, actually I haven't talked. To him in months or years. So no, that's not true. I mean, you could accidentally break a cup. Oh well, you're talking a toothbrush, you piece of crap. And then you get it's this like ripple effect of down grading.

And so with that being said, I watched Keeling go through this where just because she was living with toothbrush, it's like. Two waves pushing against each other, you know the one wave is trying to come and like even out the sea and try to find way through the rest of the sea. Now mind you, now here's this big giant wave that every time that. Little wave tries to smooth out the sea. This giant wave comes back and it pushes them back. OK, so Kayleen, like I, I'm watching her, you know, she's trying to have a relationship with both sides.

And she's trying to find her way with what she's dealing with because just because she was trying to bring her sea and into this wave, like she's still dealing with the sharks in her sea. You see what I'm saying, Kayleen? Like you still have all of this stuff happening there and you can't even get to smooth waters because every time you try it's like this big wave and it's pushing you. Back too, I yeah. And with that being said, I felt for a very long time that I had to defend toothbrush constantly.

So a lot of times whenever I explain what had happened all those years that I had lived there, it doesn't make sense in people's minds sometimes, like why I still wanted a relationship. But I talked to my husband all the time and he's like, time spent was somebody has time spent with somebody, whether it was good or bad. And I grew up and it was and I for years. And and yes, on the flip side, like you were saying, you still got another end of that, Adrian. I mean, before beforehand it was, you know, us and then moving around and then eventually I had decided that I wanted to live there with toothbrush.

And so I had felt this need to defend and protect my entire life because that's that's all I had ever really known because just out here stories and it kind of pushed me to the point where I wanted to move there for myself to see like, are these stories true to a certain extent? Yeah. Like that's how I personally feel. I mean, you know, everybody sees things in a different way. But for me, I personally felt more like I wanted to go there and see for myself because I'm like, is is this true what they're saying?

Because I don't know. And so I chose to live there. And like I said, we moved around a lot and like moving states, there was always like a different experience in different houses. I mean, we moved around, so I can't even express how many times that we moved. I was constantly moving schools. I was in and out of school. But I do remember like trying to have a relationship with the other side, like I was saying, but it just, I guess never really seemed to happen. I guess just because I don't, I have no idea why I that's a question I still need answers for myself.

I do want to say really quick, the environment that I had lived in was not one a child should have to live in. Even as a teen, I seen a lot of stuff. I, like I said, was getting involved with the wrong people. I was hanging out with people older than me and I will, I will share a lot more on what happened in a lot of the different places that we had, we had lived in. But I, I, I don't know how else to explain it other than it was just not a good environment for, you know, but I do feel like toothbrush tried.

I really do. But at the same time, Toothbrush was dealing with their own stuff. But I felt like it was my responsibility to, like, stay there and take care of them. Honestly, at the end of the day, I just felt like I could save them. Wow. Yeah, I don't. Yeah. And see, that's why I like with the stricter household, it's like if everyone could have just slowed down a little bit. And I'm not sitting here and like degrading anyone or anything. My what I'm simply saying is we all get wrapped up in our own stuff.

Like if people could just slow down a little bit and like take a second to just sit and actually look at what's happening around. And I know that's so hard to do. I can speak from experience, like I've not been able to slow down. But when you have a child, you need to be able to do that. It's not just you anymore. You know, you're not going to go to the grocery store and only get dinner for you when you have a child. And if you do, you know that's. Living, living there like children. But you know, like.

But yeah, I get what you're like. So since we're talking about this, I guess I'm going to kind of backtrack to like a couple episodes ago when we were talking about the States and we had described how when we were with one parent and one week, I guess we can use the word vanish because in our minds as kids, that's what it was. It's it's vanished, right? Like you have somebody with you one day and the next day you have no idea where they're at and you don't hear from them for a long time. It's vanishing definitely in a child's mind.

So with that being said, I'm going to share a situation when so it happened twice. OK, so I'm going to speak on the second time. I think we had gotten, I don't know if we had, I went to school or what Keeling, but we had went to a family member's house. And when we got there, I remember driving up the hill and you know, when something just feels heavy, you know something's off. That's the only way I can describe it. Like it's like I felt this heaviness and I knew something was wrong. We get to this family member's house and we all sat on the couch and they essentially told us, hey, Sock left, basically didn't want to be here anymore.

And I can't explain how much that broke me. And I think that's what made it so much harder. Through the states as we kept moving and all this stuff because. You're sitting here trying to deal with the, a parent that essentially vanished and then you also have all this other stuff going on and it's like, it really, really is a lot to deal with guys. I'm just being honest. Like that was, I can speak on it now, but in that time frame and as I got older, I, I couldn't deal with anything. I couldn't think level headed, I couldn't navigate day-to-day life things.

And we went back with toothbrush and toothbrush had this older car at the time. And I remember I would just go out there because it was quiet in the car and I would just scream and cry. Because this was the. Second time this parent was just gone and I can't speak on why that decision was made. That's something, you know, they decided and whatever they were dealing with. And I can understand that being older, you know, sometimes you you have to save yourself no matter what that looks like, I guess.

But for us, we got left here and you know, I think that it's kind of I don't even know how to explain it. It's kind of like this tug of war thing because feeling I can understand kind of where your mindset was and also like the saving, I can totally understand that too. But also at the same time, like you also had a parent that left a couple times, you know, so it's, it's really hard as a child. Which side do you go? You've already got this. You don't even realize that because it's not surfaced in your mind and you can't comprehend it that young.

You're making a decision at 14. Your brain's not even formed yet completely. I don't even know the age that it fully forms, but your brain's not even fully formed. Like you, you know, like looking back now, obviously we can be like, oh, this was abandonment and I need to deal with this or this was this. But at that time, of course, you don't know which direction to go. I mean, you've got this parent that's just gone and they've got all this happening. On the flip side, at least on the flip side, the other parent was there what, even though it was not good circumstances, at least they were present.

That makes up for something, I guess. And that's not saying anything bad on the other parent, but it's it does make a little bit of a difference that that parent was present, even though that parent kind of, you know, went and did their own thing, you know, and left us sometimes. But at the end of the day, it does make a really big difference. It really does. And I think it it can cause this tug of war effect of like what we've shared before, neither side was right. And what do you do? And it causes a lot of confusion.

So with that being said, even when Sak got custody of us, it's still confusing. It's so confusing. Now we're like, you know, middle schoolers, I think. And it's like, OK, we finally are with Sak, the person that that's how I felt. I was like, Oh my gosh, we're finally here. And then it took this whole ripple effect of downhill from there too. And it's like, it's a lot to think about and it's a lot to process. And you know, I've been doing a lot since I've been in Arizona on healing. And I even didn't realize that before I even came out here, I was doing stuff subconsciously, like I got a personal trainer and I didn't realize through that that I was working on healing because every time I went in there, I went in a couple times a week and I was giving it my all.

And he was even like, you're on start paying me for therapy. But like I was doing these things. Even though I was still struggling with alcohol and processing and all of this, I didn't realize at the time what I was doing. It was helping me and looking back, I'm like, wow, I'm so glad I did something like that and didn't even realize because I've been in really big gym rat a lot of my life. So it's helped me process a lot. I would throw on a podcast or throw on one of those like scream at you was like, you got this videos and that's what I listened to like day in and day out.

I'm like, OK, yes, OK, because I I personally don't have anyone to help pick me back up. So I was grappling onto any thing that I could to get that little bit of motivation because there was nothing to grab onto a lot. A lot of people can run to their parents when there's a bad situation happening. If they have a bad day, they can go to their parents house. They need help navigating something. They call their parents. There's you know, you get out of work, you call your parent, talk about your day.

We didn't have any of that. So you got to find it in yourself. And I found mine with God as well. So with that being said too, I know we're kind of all over the place right now, but when we lived in the stricter household, as soon as they had got in custody, we got put in the cornfields at 13, which is fine. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it teaches discipline. It teaches a lot about life. A job really teaches you a lot, you know. So we were out in the cornfields and we were working out there.

So we'd get taken to the bus stop and then the bus would like take all of us kids and we got in the cornfield. That sounds insane. Like what? Like you know what I mean Like that. So we got taken to this like stop and then we got on a bus and. Then that's hard work pulling tassels like. I did not like that at all. And guys, mind you, I'm in construction. Me and Killeen. I have people that ask me at work sometimes they're like, would your sister do it? I'm like, no.

Absolutely not. I'm. Like she would like cheer you on for sure, but.

But it really is, it's not easy work. I mean, in the mornings you're going in, it's early, okay, You're going through the corn fields and your clothes are getting wet and it's freezing. And then I used to have beetles in my pants. Thinking about it stresses me out. They're used to the beetles used to get in my pants. Like I would get home even after all day and I would take my pants off and there would be a beetle in there and I was like, Oh my gosh. So you got to think it's freezing in the morning, you're wet and then by midday it's hot.

So now your clothes are like drying and it's just like extremely hot. And you're just walking through these cornfields out hurts pulling these tassels. And it's not really fun. It's it's really not, you know, it's a lot, but I'm so grateful because you know, our sock, they were very big on work. We in that household, we were not allowed to do sports. We were not allowed to hang out with friends. You go to school and you go to work and that's it and chores. So there was times like that. I remember that I hung out with friends there, but it's I also ended up getting into church, the Pentecostal church, which we'll talk about later.

So that was a big part of my time there as well. So that was, you know, I went to church a couple times a week. OK, So there was a time when we worked in the cornfields, and I remember Sock drove us to the bus stop and they ended up not having work that day. And so Sock just left us there. And do you remember that, Kayleen or. No? Yeah, yeah. And so we get to I. Don't know I just said it like that, but yeah. That's OK, I support it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But so we're supposed to have work.

Mind you, it's super early in the morning and we just get left at this bus stop because there was no work that day. And I understand, Sock, how to go to work. I'm not discrediting that. I can't imagine trying to, you know, navigate with the kids and stuff. But I also, on the flip side, Kellene, if you were to call me right now and be like, Oh yeah, you know, I dropped the kids off and they didn't have school, so I got to go to work and I'm just going to leave them there for the day and they can figure out what to do.

I would literally come there and yeah, you don't want to know what I would do? No, I'm just gonna, yeah. Especially like raining and. If you called me and was like, hey. I'm just leaving the. Kids all day right there. I would literally start a riot and do everything I could to go. Against you after working. You know, like that's not, you don't do that to a kid. And yeah, so I'm, I'm just explaining because with these situations and everything there, there was just such, it's so hard to explain like a lot.

Because. You know, it's like you think of this and then you think of this and you think of this. That's what was happening in my head like. Yeah, it's like you kind of don't know where to go with it and doing this podcast it's harder because it is kind of hard for us. Where to start, guys? I'm going to be honest, like it is it's very hard because there's so much that happened and it's it's really hard to pinpoint and what to talk about when it's just me and killing. We can free flow on it and you know, we do that all the time.

It's so much easier to do it. But on the podcast, we just, it's just a different dynamic for us. And also guys, this is like a healing thing for us, like we've said. So yeah, with everything we've kind of talked about, we're kind of trying to share the different situations in both of the households. So I'm going to speak a little. I'm going to go back into kind of the beginning of this episode and go a little bit more on what I was sharing about anger because I feel like I shared that and then I didn't really explain further.

So the anger part of things, I don't feel like I'm a very angry person. I became an angry person because of my environment, but I don't feel like today in my life, I, I just, I don't really feel that angry. I really don't. And I have, don't get me wrong, I get angry. It's an emotion. I, I definitely get angry. But with the way that I was living in anger, there's a very big difference between getting angry and living in anger. And I feel like for a long time I was living in anger and it was projected onto people around me.

And it's super unfortunate, but here's an example. I wasn't living with my parents at the time. I was working at McDonald's. Something happened where one of our siblings wanted to go to like a party or something I don't even know and I was closing. I worked with one of my good friends at the time. Well she's still one of my good friends but we worked together at the time and we were closing at McDonald's and Sock shows up and mind you we're closed at this point. Sock is in the parking lot screaming and cussing at me and my friend walks out and is like telling them to leave and all this stuff saying tell me that I need to be helping this other sibling.

And I'm like, I don't even talk to you guys. Like I can't explain it because I worked two jobs. So I went online in high school. I think it was in 10th grade, I believe because I wasn't living with my parents. I ended up going online because I was working a couple jobs throughout high school to support myself. And I always freaked out because where I was working, it was still in the same area as them guys. They would show up to my jobs and it didn't happen all the time. So I don't want to exaggerate it, but it freaked me out.

Like when I was working at McDonald's, I didn't know when they were going to show up to the drive thru where I always freaked out. Like I cannot explain it didn't know when they were going to come through. And after that happened, thank God it was closed and thank God my friend was there because, you know, showing up to my job and screaming and cussing at me and I'm not even expecting it. And I'm already like fighting all my own stuff. You know, it was a lot. And so I was working at pizza place and then I would work at McDonald's and that's what I was doing.

And then I would take my laptop and I would do my school at work. And I also like was helping a friend out and I would babysit their kid. And you know, that was a whole thing as well. So I'm working these two jobs trying to graduate because my main thing to. For all that is like, I was like, I'm going to graduate, I don't care. I'll work 2 jobs. And mind you, I had my own apartment and I was walking from my apartment to another town. So I'd walk on the highway and then I would come back and then I would go to the other job.

So I was very, very determined. I was like, I'm getting my degree and I also, I got to take care of myself and at the time I was making like $7.00 and like 5-5 cents, something like that. Whatever minimum wage was at the time, not a lot. So I'm working both of these jobs. And on the flip side, you know, I had that that situation happened at McDonald's and then I'm also working at this pizza place. And it's so crazy because I hear people in my life today be like, Adrian, you were so much fun. Like, I can't believe all that was happening.

Like you were just such a good time. And I'm like internally when I was at the pizza place, every time that phone rang, I would, I would literally freak out. Like if somebody else was working with me, I wanted them to answer it because I didn't know if sock and shoe were going to call. And I know that sounds extreme, but the effect that they had on me at that time in my life was so bad. And I, I didn't want, I didn't really talk about it a lot at that time. I was just trying to make it through and I wanted anything I could do to have a relationship with sock.

I was like, I anything I could find to talk about or anything. I tried to do that. So I had a situation that happened personally and I called sock and I was like, Hey, I, you know, I just to talk. And they showed up to my, to my job sock and shoe. And they came to the front counter and shoe literally was like, wasn't like screaming, but it was making a scene enough for it to be uncomfortable, if that makes sense. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, like these people are showing up to my job. And it, mind you, I'm like trying to heal from everything that happened in their house already because and it wasn't all bad guys.

It, it wasn't. But there's just so much that happened. And This is why I, I started researching and I started studying and I started listening to podcast and any emotion that I dealt with or reaction, because I, anything that stems from that environment, I want to absolutely demolish it. I don't want it in my life. I don't want to be that person. I don't think I ever wanted to be that person and I think that's why at the time I became someone like I look back at pictures and I'm like, I don't even recognize who I was, like who was I?

And I just wanted to demolish that. So now speaking in terms of present day, looking back, I'm so glad what all of that taught me because now navigating, I'm going to use construction for an example. I deal with guys in construction that resemble that, but at the same time, I know how to navigate with them because I've studied and researched so much on myself, self reflected and also the dynamics of the family that I grew up. So I know, you know, a lot of times when someone's angry, it has nothing to even do with you.

People are reacting. It's their emotion and something they're dealing with internally and has nothing to do with us. So great. You know, with that being said, it's like, I don't know if I've shared this on the podcast yet. So we'll see and if we have them, we'll just cut this out. But I, you know, when I moved across the country, I got into a construction company. Now, mind you, Indiana is an industrial state. It's like 5050 women, men, whatever out here. I didn't realize I was getting in the hard hat industry and it's a completely different environment.

I didn't realize what it was, but at the same time, I didn't have a degree and this is just what was. So I was going into work every day and there was a lot happening. And I'm going to talk about this all later as well. But I'm I'm on a pinpoint on what I'm trying to explain, not the rest of it. So I'm going into work and there's so much happening at work. Now, mind you, I'm a girl. I'm a I'm a smaller girl and it's not normal in Arizona for like a girl to be doing that kind of Labor work typically, you know, I was hanging drywall.

So very odd. And I got a lot of backlash for it. And like I said, that's not why I'm pinpointing it. But there was a lot going on in construction and I was trying to figure out a lot there while healing and also having just moved across the country. Well, I had a boss at the time and we ended up getting to know each other, obviously working together because when I first moved out here and then that company, I was the only person that spoke English, like other people spoke English, but the people I was working around, it's like God put me in this situation.

He's like focus, focus, heal and focus. I didn't know anybody here. I'm going to work. Nobody that was around really spoke English. I had no choice but to focus on God and my healing. Like it was divine. Honestly, looking back at it now, but in that time I was like losing my mind. OK so with that being said, I was going into work and the boss that I had at the time, he would do the random like freak outs and start screaming and stuff like that and it started triggering me. I cannot explain. I started meditating.

I started listening to podcasts I don't like to read and I started reading. I would say I was working on a roof and 120° like. And as time was progressing I started going in and I would just be crying. I couldn't afford to quit and I would just cry and I'll never forget it. I went in one day and I I had kept going in and I was like I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my parents. Like this is my parents fault. If I would have had parents in my life or if somebody would have helped me. And I went in and I was complaining every single day.

I was blaming my parents. I'm, you know, 23 or maybe I was 20, right? Just turned 24 at the time I'm going in and you know, the whole foundation of my life was complaining when I was going into work, also dealing with what was happening at work, mind you. So this boss, he starts screaming at me. He's like you're here because of you. He's like you're not here because you're parents. Your parents didn't make you move to Arizona. Your parents didn't put you in construction. You made the decision to be here and has nothing to do with your parents.

Now, as time progressed, this was something he started saying to me every day. Mind you, there was a lot of other things that was happening at the time, like I've said multiple times. So this on top of it, but looking back, even with everything they did to us in that company, us girls, looking back, what I got from it is so magnificent because if it wasn't for that dynamic and what had happened, I wouldn't be where I am today and with my mindset, because no matter what was going on behind the scenes, everything that he was screaming at me at that time completely changed my perspective.

He's completely right. I wasn't there because of my parents. I wasn't in construction because of my parents. I'm not sitting here right now because of my parents. These are all decisions I've made. They had control when we were with them, but they don't have control anymore now also going farther with that, they don't have control of me anymore. So my decisions are my decisions. I'm also not a child anymore. So I'm not in captivity of mental abuse. I'm not in captivity of them being able to show up at my jobs.

I'm not in captivity of having to worry about going to the hospital if someone's sick and sick, you know, whatever. But like, I'm so grateful looking back at everything because also at the same time, that boss that was screaming at me, I cannot even make this up. He resembled shoe so much and it was triggering me very bad. I went into work one day and I was like, listen, I was like, I can't do this anymore. I'm like, I, I'm so depressed. I was like bawling. I'm like, I can't deal with this anymore.

Like, and I felt so weak and I just had nothing to give because I had nothing. I felt like, you know, I moved across the country. I don't have my parents. It was just really, really, it was hard. And after all the chaos that was happening at work, he literally looked at me and he's like, Adrian, go do what you need to do. And I was like, I just need to go cry. I was like, I just need, I just need a second. I was like, I just need like a couple seconds. And he was like, I'm not going to say anything.

He's like, go do what you need to do. And he let me. And I went in the porta potty and I cried for hours. Like I sat in there and I just, it was like 120° and I sat there and I cried for hours. And I just let it out. And I was like, I walked out of that porta potty and I, I felt better, but I, you know, if it wasn't for that time frame in my life and what I learned and navigated through because it, like I said, it was really hard. And I did start meditating and I started listening to meditation at night and I'm I spent a lot of time like the stuff that I was listening to was about reacting to that boss because he resembled shoe so much that I feel like looking back and I learned this after getting out of that situation.

I needed to be in that situation because just because I moved across the country and was away from shoe, that doesn't mean I'm never going to have something that resembles that in my life again. So when this situation came up, I flipped to my mindset and I was like, OK, so I'm away from shoe, but now I have shoes twinsie right in front of me and I'm like, how can I navigate this? And that's exactly what I did. So the podcast I was listening to was about reacting about being triggered and things like that.

And so as I was sitting here and like facing this person every day, that was such a resemblance of shoe. I really studied and there was times I would go sit in the party and I would cry. I'd let it out. And then on our breaks I was taking books and I would read. I would find a corner on the roof and I would read. And that's what I did for days in and days out. And I just focused and I sat there and I sat in it and I sat in the pain and I sat in all of it. And it brought me to an understanding. I don't hate a person.

I hate the way they reacted. And so when I talk about shoe and sock, they put me through hell in that household that like absolute hell. And it wasn't all the time, like I said, but with the stuff that was happening there, I mean, looking back, I'm so grateful for my journey here in Arizona because I wouldn't know half of the things I do and I would still be living in captivity of pain. And I don't feel like I'm living in captivity of pain. I'm on a healing journey for sure. Obviously, you know, it's going to be a long journey ahead of me, but at the same time, it's not captivity of that environment anymore.

And with the anger, it is an adrenaline thing. And it's scary because once you see it in another person and you start realizing I'm, I'm grateful now because, like I said, in construction, it helps me navigate in situations because it's not so much of A trigger now. It's more of I've learned how to navigate, I guess. And sometimes I do, you know, get triggered, obviously, but it's just helped me maneuver in life differently. So yeah, I kind of went in a wormhole there.

No, but that was that was like a good, you know, example and how those things still affect you today. You know what I'm saying? Like there's still things that happened today that trigger me from, you know, 10-15 years ago. That's just a part of it. When you go through something like that, it's inevitable when you're older to just have certain things that are like triggers or I wouldn't necessarily call what what you had went through with that situation a trigger because that was just a whole nother like.

Yeah, yeah, because you know the back story so. Self. Yeah, yeah. But what you're saying is right, killing because people don't realize like I can go and when I turn 41 and someone could come in the room, OK, I've explained it like this before, say killing every time before I come in and I punch your thigh, your thighs bruised. Your leg is always going to be messed up for the rest of your life because every time I see you, I punch you in the thigh. But before I punch you in the thigh, I go and I flip the light switch.

OK, so now I'm out of your life. So you spent 23 years, I'm coming in the room and every time I'm punching your thigh every single night. So I come in, I put the light switch on and then I come in and punch you in the thigh. OK, now you're, you move. Now I'm no longer in your life. I'm not punching your thigh every day. And now 10 years later, I'm still out of your life. But somebody comes in and you know you, even if you work through healing, you can still get triggered. Someone comes in the room 10 years later and they flip on the light switch.

You get triggered and you're not even going to get your thoughts. You're not even get hit on your thigh. It's because of the light switch, because you know, OK, that's happening, so you know what's next, You know what I'm saying? Right. Yeah, that's honestly like the perfect way to explain that. Like triggers are you, you just can't control them and, and certain things, I mean, there's going to be triggers for the rest of some people's lives that they aren't even going to know or realize that it's going to be a trigger because you don't know, right?

Yeah. So I think, you know, there's going to be a lot of things that we're going to have to face for the rest of our lives because of what we went through, for sure. Yeah. But that does. Doesn't mean that it's not a it's not possible to get through it because triggers are triggers. You're not, you're not living in it anymore. You're just getting triggered. So it's like super important when you're getting triggered, put your feet on the floor and sit in the chair and like count all the light switches in the room or count how many tiles are on the floor and realize you're bring yourself to reality in that moment and be like, I'm not, I'm triggered, but I'm not there.

Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes that makes perfect sense. Like, feel the trigger, then move forward and healing and how to navigate that. But bring yourself to reality and be like, OK, I'm feeling this, but in reality, I'm sitting in a room that's safe. Yeah, yeah. And you know, looking back on it, I can't even imagine but what you had gone through like, because whenever you add that on top of everything else that we had already went through, and then it just made the situation that more that much more complicated, I feel like.

And it, and it made it harder to process everything because you go from the childhood moving around everywhere, watching, you know, addictions and stuff like alcoholism. Then you go from that. Then we move in with the shoe and sock and then there's stuff going on there. Then we get separated And then like it's just, it was like hard to process the first thing there was just like a bunch of stuff piling up on. So now, like you said, there's just triggers you'll have that you probably won't even know is triggers.

Like there's honestly, I'll see a certain car and it triggers me still sometimes like, like if I see an identical car to, you know, a car that I had a bad experience with, but the person who drove it and yeah, I don't know, just little things like that. I don't know how. Yeah, it makes complete sense. It's like it takes you back, but it's not present day because it's a trigger, right? So Kaylene and do you. Oh, God. OK, Sorry. No, no. Don't you say sorry dude, I was going to say to you, if you want to talk more like if you're ready to talk, we can start episode 2.

OK, OK. That's. You want to do that? I will literally just talk that full time dude. No, no, I don't know. You made some really, really good points and you have to, we're trying to explain everything without saying and outing. So it's going to take a little longer to, you know, we're having to take the long route to explain everything rather than just straightforward. Bottom line, we're trying to be careful because we want to share, but we're also, you know, for one, being respectful and for two, this is our first time doing this, so we're also learning along the way.

So yeah. Yeah. Guys, I hope you join us back because Kaylee is going to speak more in this next episode. So we will see you next week. Yep. See y'all.

The briefing