When parents become strangers

OK, Hi guys. Welcome back to the podcast.

Thanks for joining us this far into it.

We're so grateful for everyone that started following and has

been following and all the feedback we're getting already.

I think I'm going to start this one with explaining we are

moving in a way that we want to give language to things others

don't understand yet. So looking back, if we could

have had someone that could have explained a situation more, who

would have like went through something similar to what we

went through. Because obviously, like every

situation looks different for everybody, but if there's a

little bit of guidance and certain things, it can help you

in the long run. But sharing parts of our story,

it's hitting areas even like looking back when we talk, I'm

like, Oh my goodness, if I could have heard that when I was in

that season, it would have helped me a lot.

So we are going to talk about when parents become strangers

and we're going to kind of go more into that.

I know the last podcast we kind of left off in a different area,

but like we've said, it is very hard for us with what we're

doing and where to go and what to share and, you know, get in

the timeline in exact order. It's just not easy for us to do

that. And the whole thing with this

whole podcast, you know, people go through phases and things

happen, but with what we're sharing, it wasn't a phase for

us. The whole dynamic of everything

was our environment. So with that being said, we're

going to talk a little bit about how and when our parents became

strangers. So at this point in our lives,

we are both navigating life on our own.

Kaylena's doing on her, her own with her, her little family and

then I'm out here having drive through battles with KFC.

Quick back story because after we recorded, I can't remember

like 2 weeks ago, I went through KFC to get specifically for the

large Mac and cheese and it's right down the road from here.

I was dead set. I was on FaceTime with killing.

I'm like I'm getting a Mac and cheese.

So I go through and I drive away with the bag and they gave me

the small 1 and I was like Oh no no no no no.

I was like, so I drove back because.

You paid for the large. Yes, and I wanted the large too.

So I'm like, no, my mind was dead set on that Mac and cheese.

So like, I'm getting that Mac and cheese.

So I go back through because the first time when I ordered, I

said large Mac and cheese and the guy acted like he knew me.

He was like a large Keeling, remember?

And I was like, I feel like I just got judged.

I literally told Keeling I was like, he doesn't even know how

many people are in my car. Excuse me, I'm sorry, did you

just say large ham? Large, OK.

So then when I drove back, I was like, hey, I didn't get the

large Mac and cheese. And when I got out to the window

he was laughing too. And he I was like, do you want

the other one back? He's like, no, just keep it.

I was like, OK, OK, anyway, well.

That worked out. Yeah, that did work out.

And honestly, it was a bomb. I think KFC.

Has KFC and cheese is so good. I live by that.

So OK with stuff that we've talked about like previously, we

are have been like building up in this podcast a lot and we

haven't really hit super deep areas.

I mean, we have in certain things, but we're also being

careful with like we've said with what we're sharing and not

dragging other people's information into our story, even

if they were involved in something that affected us,

right. So I kind of like was thinking

about stuff that we have shared on the podcast and I've really,

really took a lot of time when I moved across the country and

really screwed the bottom of the barrel.

Like I've shared any way I reacted, I would go home and I

would study, I would listen to podcasts.

I would work on navigating myself in a way that, OK, I

don't want to react this way. Even if there was a certain way

that I acted that I thought was normal growing up, I wanted to

completely navigate, OK. If I went into the gas station

and I was irritated about them being out of stock or something,

just something small and the way that I would react, I was like,

OK, why am I reacting that way and why am I so irritated?

And I was even irritated about that thing being out of stock.

It's so much easier to be irritated about something small

like that than to look behind you and see the whole ocean

behind you of things that you're actually being bothered by.

So I really. Started like paying attention I

guess to my reactions and one of the main things growing up with

one of our parents was anger was very surfaced and it was like

really hard to navigate. You don't know what you're going

to get each day. You don't know what mood you're

going to get. And it was hard to navigate

because at certain times things would be really, really good.

And then out of nowhere, it would be this complete rocket of

just anger out of nowhere. And I really wanted to figure

out why it was this cycle. And so I started like really

thinking about it when we get really angry as people.

I mean, anger is just an emotion that happens in everybody's

lives. There is a certain level that

anger can get to to where your body is shaking.

I've been so angry to the point that my whole body has been

shaking and I've just been really worked up.

And then afterwards I'm exhausted.

It's because when you get that angry, it's an adrenaline rush.

Adrenaline is addicting. So I started thinking about it

and I was like, OK And I started looking at situations from the

past with other people that I was affected by.

I didn't understand it. I was really trying to

understand it with the adrenaline thing.

That's why it turns into the cycle until you start

navigating. I think people can be addicted

to that adrenaline. Do you know what I'm saying,

Kayleen? Like, does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah, that makes.

Makes sense? So a lot of my journey, I dealt

with anger from another person, which in the long run I got

angry, not even just because of that, just because of all of

everything surrounding me. I I feel like I was a very, very

angry person for a little bit. Well, it's kind of like a domino

effect to like, like the environment you're in or, you

know, the energy bounces off people, you know what I'm

saying? Like, yeah.

Is that what you're kind? Of yeah, because that's, that's

an environment thing too. Like if you've ever walked into

a room healing and say you're really, really happy and you

walk into a room and the environment's very mellow, you

almost feel like you have to like shrink a little bit to

match the energy in the room. Does that make sense?

So like if you're in the household, I'm a very hyper

person. So I.

Right. Yeah, I just think we're more

energized than the average person.

Yeah. It was really hard going into

the show. Yeah.

So in that stricter household too, it was really hard.

That's like me going and beating my boxer.

I have a boxer dog. I can't go beat him every time

someone comes into the house because he's more excited.

That's his personality. You can't sit there and beat

someone for their personality. And so in that certain

household, the stricter household, I used to get in a

lot of trouble because I I was more energized for sure.

And there was just some situations that happened in that

household that my energy wasn't well.

I guess because if you know what I'm saying, like it's you kind

of had to. Meet people where they're at

too. But as a kid, you're just, you

know, being a kid, I guess. Right, right.

But with the whole, with all of that being said, with my parents

not being present in my life, I think there's so much that

happened, obviously, and with everything that I reflect on and

everything that I try to navigate, it's to be better.

And just because you come from a certain environment, that

doesn't mean that's who you are. And I struggled really bad with

this for a long time because if you come from a family, it's

like you immediately, oh, well, this is what I'm from.

This is what I know. And a lot of people use that.

I've met people in my life that are older than I am.

I'm 28 right now that can use everything that's happened to

them as an excuse. And it's like you can't live

your entire life sitting there. OK, Well, when I was six, I'm

reacting this way to you right now because I went through a

lot. No, that's not OK.

That's not OK. You can't go around the world,

go to restaurants and treat people like crap and all of this

stuff because you had hard life. You know?

You can't do that. Kellene, is there anything you

want to like add on to that or do you want me to keep like

diving a little deeper? Yeah, go ahead and dive a little

deeper because I feel like you're doing a good job at

explaining, you know? To get a start on it anyways,

yeah, yeah. So I, this was just me.

So me and Kellene, we have hit a point in the podcast where we

did get split. OK.

So moving forward, it's going to be hearing some of my story and

then hearing some of Kellene's story because there's a certain

point where we can't do it together because we weren't

together. So that's where we're at right

now. So when I was living in the

stricter household, obviously there was things that happened

there and then vice versa with Kayleen.

So the story I'm going to share, this represents kind of what I

was just explaining. I had not seen my payments from

that household. It had been like a couple months

because as time was progressing, I would go and something would

happen. And then each time I didn't go

back, it would be longer increments of time.

So at first it started slow, like I wouldn't see them for two

months and then something would happen.

And as I was like getting older, it started increasing 3 months,

six months. And now I'm years into it.

And I know I'm only 28 and it sounds crazy, but it feels like

a lifetime, which is a lifetime for me.

But hearing it, it's like people will say, oh, you're only 28.

I'm like, I don't feel like I'm 28 with everything that we

experienced. I do not feel like I'm 28.

Yeah. So I, one of my friends was with

me and we had went to meet this side of the family for

breakfast. We had went to Cracker Barrel, I

believe. I believe it was Cracker Barrel.

I've worked in restaurants, I've worked in fast food, things like

that. I don't care my my perspective

and where I stand. Even if a waitress is rude to

me, I still always tip. I think that it's very important

and I've said this a lot of times in my life to people

because I've had friends that I've gone out with and they

don't tip and I'm like, OK, so if you're having a bad day at

work, should you not get paid? Because waitresses also have bad

days. They just, they can't hide it as

easy as someone who works in an office or something like that,

because it's customer service. You're going to have bad days.

So just because they're having a bad day doesn't mean they

shouldn't get paid. Now with that being said, if

you've ever been to Cracker Barrel in the morning, it's

breakfast. You know, that's like going to a

breakfast diner. It's going to be compacted with

people, sometimes a long wait. Well, we had got sat at a

smaller table. So of course, you know, there

was, I don't even know how many of us there were and we're all

sitting there. Well, the person we had been

with, I don't know how to say it like the person we've been with,

because I'm struggling to not, you know, exploit anybody.

So I struggle in that area a little bit.

But yeah, you know what I mean. But like, that's fine, yeah.

OK, just you're doing good, you're doing good, you're doing

a good a job explaining. OK, thanks.

Thanks, You're doing a good job. Thanks.

OK, so I was with the parents from the stricter household.

When we were sitting at the table, one of the parents got

extremely mad because of this table we were sitting at and

ends up calling the manager over.

I started feeling uncomfortable because I know how it can

escalate quickly and so they call the manager over all this.

It turns into like this whole situation.

It's so, I feel so awkward and you know, the people at the

table that were there with them as well were starting to

complain and it just turned into this thing.

I mean, when the manager gets called over, we all know how

that goes. It's, it's not that a scene was

caused, but it's making things more complicated.

I'm trying to say it in a way that, you know, not exaggerating

the situation, but also explaining what it was.

You know what I'm you know what I mean?

Well, my friend had got up to use the bathroom.

Our food had just come out not too long before this.

And she gets up to use the bathroom and they get so mad.

They like get up and leave and they're walking outside and I'm

waiting on my friend to come out of the bathroom and she gets

back and she's like, I didn't even get to finish my food.

And they walk out. They didn't tip the waitress or

anything. I'm like Oh my goodness.

So I'm walking outside and I'm trying to see my parent because

one of the parents weren't we weren't related to and then one

was like our biological parent and I was like trying to talk to

my parent. We had walked outside so I

hadn't. This is going to sound insane.

I hope you guys follow the story, but this is just what it

is because we don't want to exploit.

People. So that's why.

Well, this is going to be an insane podcast, OK?

So so. Was my biological parent.

I definitely feel like we could have used different names, but

we're in it now. OK guys, I wanted a relationship

with Sock. I was just looking at my sock

and shoe and I was like, huh? But anywho, you're you're doing

a good job. You're doing a good job.

Just start where you. Yeah, just yeah.

So Sock. It's so us coded like.

Something you would. Say.

So. Honestly, killing Yeah.

OK, so I I've always wanted a relationship with Sock.

I Hold on guys, this is a serious story, but OK, so as

time when killing stop laughing earlier in these podcasts, we've

explained the strictness control as well.

OK, so when it came to sock, there was such a control dynamic

there. If shoe was mad, we couldn't

have we couldn't talk to sock. OK, so just kind of put that

into perspective. Imagine wanting this

relationship with sock. Who is your biological?

Who is someone that everybody wants a sock.

You know everyone wants that every child.

So I'm trying to talk to sock and I cannot even explain.

It's like shoe was like get in the car, get in the car to sock.

I was like trying to talk and I literally was so sad because I,

I didn't get to see them for so long and because of the control

and they just got in the car and left.

And me and my friend actually we did go back inside and tip the

waitress because I mean, going in and making a scene like that,

we didn't go in public a whole lot.

So when we did and something like that happened, it stressed

me out because with how things could escalate at home, that's

why I got to a point where I was, it's like, I don't even

know if I should meet them in public either because we're just

acting like this anywhere, you know?

It's so awkward and uncomfortable.

So I'm trying to explain like when I say anger and stuff like

that, it was so surfaced and my time there with them and it

really takes away who you are when that's happening.

So we got shoe and sock and then we have toothbrush.

Toothbrush is going to be our freedom parent.

We're going to say it. When toothbrush got sick, I

don't want to use that because that's what we heard all of our

childhood and I don't really like that.

But to protect their personal life, we're just going to stay

sick. And when Killeen was gone?

Every. Not every time, but there was

times. That if I got in trouble or

something, I got told go shove your arm and go shove.

And you're just like them and, and it's like when you're trying

to deal with someone being sick in that way and then you're

coming home and it's being thrown in your face and you're

getting told to do that. I mean, I cannot even explain

the toll that takes on you. So there was one time and I want

to share my part in things too. So that's what I'm going to do

really quick. We lived in this like farmhouse

and there was acorns that fell off all the trees.

So we mowed as kids and every time before we mowed, we have to

pick, pick up the acorns, you know, so it doesn't hit the

blade, stuff like that. We would always go out and pick

up the acorns. Well, Kayleen wasn't here at

this time. I was going through so much in

this house, I started getting mad.

So there was one day I went outside to mow the lawn and in

my head I was like, I'm not going to pick up the acorns.

I was like, I'm sick of it. I'm always getting screamed at

and I don't know how it is with vulgar language on here.

So if you guys have kids that are around or listening, I am

going to use some vulgar language for a second.

So I just want you to be aware of that if you have the podcast

sound loud or anything like that.

The way that I grew up in that household, I was told that all

the time I'm just a stupid bitch and all of this stuff.

Like that's what was spoken to me as a kid.

That's how I spoke to on the daily.

Well, I go out and I Mull this one and I'm like, OK, I'm doing

it and I'm running over these acorns and I cannot even make

this up. I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew,

I knew I shouldn't have done that.

I was just so mad and so much was happening.

Toothbrush had gotten sick and Killeen was there and all this

stuff was happening. I didn't realize when you're

mowing and you know how the grass like, goes out of one side

of the lawn mower, these acorns were hit in the house.

And it was like, And then it hit the window and I was like, oh, I

was like, OK, I knew immediately because shoe runs out of the

house and starts screaming at me, cussing me out.

And the one thing they always resorted to was I literally went

up to my room that I had there and I literally just laid and

cried because I mean, I get it. I should not have done that,

right? But at the same time, when I'm

hearing this all the time and I'm always in trouble for

everything, I just in that moment, that's how I reacted and

that's what I did. And I regretted it immediately

because, you know, I shouldn't have done that guys.

And I just, I don't even know how old I was at that time and I

never did it again. I'll tell you that much.

But that's kind of like was one of my reactions.

And I wanted to share that because I don't want to just sit

here and be like, they did this, they did this, they did this

because you know, when you're going through tough stuff,

you're going to react. And sometimes your reactions are

wrong. And I reacted in that way.

And, you know, I got the repercussions from it.

So there's so much that happened that built up to us being in a

point in our lives where we don't have either of our parents

in our life. And there's reasoning for that.

And I saw a thing one time that said kids don't leave their

parents without reasoning. Like every kid wants their

parents a child. Child's not.

Just going to walk away from their parent because they want,

just want to, you know what I'm saying?

Like every person, even if they're like 30 years old, want

their parents. You look around at Christmas,

Easter, all of these things and you're looking at all these

families. Everyone wants family and

parents. Since we did get split, like I

said, we're going to be sharing situations from both sides

because we were not together. So I'm going to let Keeling kind

of talk a little bit about what she was dealing with in the

meantime of what I was dealing with.

And we're going to kind of go back and forth and just share

some of our experiences during that time frame of us not being

in each other's lives. So Keeleen, I'll let you kind of

share some stuff and then we'll just kind of pick a ball back

and forth. OK, that that works as I was

like living with toothbrush, which was the other parent I

mentioned in previous podcast. I was more with the freedom

parent. So I didn't really have much

rules at all. Like where is that?

I am going to explain this first before I kind of go into detail

what I had went through and what I had experienced.

There just a few experiences out of many.

One of the things I think I had done, and I don't know if this

is the healthiest thing I could have done to heal from

everything that happened was whenever I think about my

childhood or whenever I think about what happened in the house

or houses that we were like moving around or living in.

I took myself out of my body. And when I think of memories

back then, it's like I'm watching I'm, I'm like an

outsider looking in or like watching over everything

happening. But I don't feel like it was me

that it was happening to, if that makes any sense.

Yeah. So a lot of the bad things, I

guess I would say I started blocking out.

I do remember things here and there, but I just feel like,

yeah, whenever I think back on everything, I kind of see it

from like an outsider looking in.

Like that makes sense. Yeah.

And I guess I don't know if that's like normal, but that's

what I do. But whenever I see myself back

there in that situation, I don't know why, it just doesn't feel

like it was me because I completely separated myself from

what happened. There were times where there was

things that were going on, where we were living that and just in

general that really any child should have to go through.

On the flip side, Adrian, I did not know a lot of the things

that was happening over with you.

So I feel really bad that on the flip side of things like that

was happening and. Some other things was happening

and then I was, you know, in that situation, but.

I think we both very guilt for each other because we weren't

there for each other, but there's just nothing.

Yeah. I mean, you're sitting there

dealing with all of this stuff with one parent.

And then on the flip side, like you said, like all of this is

happening, but there's a line that's drawn.

No matter how much say, even if you don't want kids or whatever,

just as a human, there's a line that's drawn.

I mean, you can, you know, human decency, whether I'm your child

or not. There's a line where, OK,

there's just certain things you don't say and do to another

human, right? You know what I mean?

But OK, Kaylene, you keep. Going so I I guess like I, I

felt more that I was being the the one taking care of the other

person. I feel like it was more taking

care of each other in a way, but it it wasn't something during

that time as a child that you should really have to do.

I dropped out of school and I had gotten a job at Steak 'n

Shake and I was waitressing and like I had said before, I was

like in Texas and stuff like that.

We were outside a lot even as kids.

But as kids, you know, you don't really get into too much.

I mean, you might go to the park with some friends or go over to

a friend's house or, you know, especially whenever you're like

1210, 12. Well, the older I had gotten,

the more things that I had started getting into that I

shouldn't have really been have really been exposed to just

hanging out with older people, hanging out with the wrong

crowds. Truly.

And honestly, a lot of what I remember is just it being me and

the person I was staying with and we just moved toothbrush and

we were moving around a lot. I remember I was sharing a story

back in a few podcasts ago where we were living in this house and

there were people at that age, I thought it was like kind of cool

because, you know, I had my friends could come over whenever

they wanted and stuff. But we just were living in this

house and I feel like things hadn't gotten too, too bad there

at that point. Things just slowly started to

like go downhill and I felt like I was trying to protect

toothbrush. I thought me being there, I

could save them. There was a lot of people in my

life that did not want me having a relationship with toothbrush.

And there was also like a lot of things that were happening with

toothbrush. And so the fact that I chose to

stay there in that house, I feel like the other side completely

like the strict household, I feel like they had completely

shut me out. They didn't want anything to do

with me. That that's how I personally

felt because I would try to reach out and eventually I

stopped reaching now. And you know, so yeah, it was

just basically me and toothbrush and we so.

I'm going to pitch in here a little bit, so I'm going to kind

of help Killian a little bit here.

So because when we talk to each other, that's one thing, but

when we're sitting here explaining it, it does change

the the dynamic of the conversational little bit

definitely because there is sure certain things that we don't

want to share on here. OK, with that being said, so

Killeen's with toothbrush, I'm with sock and shoe and let me

explain it this way. Every part of our lives had

something to do with toothbrush. Even if he wasn't around now,

killing now Killeen was living there.

Killeen just because she was living there.

I lived through it as well. It hit a point where everything

surrounded toothbrush. I could anything.

I did. Oh, you're talking a toothbrush.

Oh, you're talking a toothbrush. And I'm like.

Yeah, actually I haven't talked. To him in months or years.

So no, that's not true. I mean, you could accidentally

break a cup. Oh well, you're talking a

toothbrush, you piece of crap. And then you get it's this like

ripple effect of down grading. And so with that being said, I

watched Keeling go through this where just because she was

living with toothbrush, it's like.

Two waves pushing against each other, you know the one wave is

trying to come and like even out the sea and try to find way

through the rest of the sea. Now mind you, now here's this

big giant wave that every time that.

Little wave tries to smooth out the sea.

This giant wave comes back and it pushes them back.

OK, so Kayleen, like I, I'm watching her, you know, she's

trying to have a relationship with both sides.

And she's trying to find her way with what she's dealing with

because just because she was trying to bring her sea and into

this wave, like she's still dealing with the sharks in her

sea. You see what I'm saying,

Kayleen? Like you still have all of this

stuff happening there and you can't even get to smooth waters

because every time you try it's like this big wave and it's

pushing you. Back too, I yeah.

And with that being said, I felt for a very long time that I had

to defend toothbrush constantly. So a lot of times whenever I

explain what had happened all those years that I had lived

there, it doesn't make sense in people's minds sometimes, like

why I still wanted a relationship.

But I talked to my husband all the time and he's like, time

spent was somebody has time spent with somebody, whether it

was good or bad. And I grew up and it was and I

for years. And and yes, on the flip side,

like you were saying, you still got another end of that, Adrian.

I mean, before beforehand it was, you know, us and then

moving around and then eventually I had decided that I

wanted to live there with toothbrush.

And so I had felt this need to defend and protect my entire

life because that's that's all I had ever really known because

just out here stories and it kind of pushed me to the point

where I wanted to move there for myself to see like, are these

stories true to a certain extent?

Yeah. Like that's how I personally

feel. I mean, you know, everybody sees

things in a different way. But for me, I personally felt

more like I wanted to go there and see for myself because I'm

like, is is this true what they're saying?

Because I don't know. And so I chose to live there.

And like I said, we moved around a lot and like moving states,

there was always like a different experience in

different houses. I mean, we moved around, so I

can't even express how many times that we moved.

I was constantly moving schools. I was in and out of school.

But I do remember like trying to have a relationship with the

other side, like I was saying, but it just, I guess never

really seemed to happen. I guess just because I don't, I

have no idea why I that's a question I still need answers

for myself. I do want to say really quick,

the environment that I had lived in was not one a child should

have to live in. Even as a teen, I seen a lot of

stuff. I, like I said, was getting

involved with the wrong people. I was hanging out with people

older than me and I will, I will share a lot more on what

happened in a lot of the different places that we had, we

had lived in. But I, I, I don't know how else

to explain it other than it was just not a good environment for,

you know, but I do feel like toothbrush tried.

I really do. But at the same time, Toothbrush

was dealing with their own stuff.

But I felt like it was my responsibility to, like, stay

there and take care of them. Honestly, at the end of the day,

I just felt like I could save them.

Wow. Yeah, I don't.

Yeah. And see, that's why I like with

the stricter household, it's like if everyone could have just

slowed down a little bit. And I'm not sitting here and

like degrading anyone or anything.

My what I'm simply saying is we all get wrapped up in our own

stuff. Like if people could just slow

down a little bit and like take a second to just sit and

actually look at what's happening around.

And I know that's so hard to do. I can speak from experience,

like I've not been able to slow down.

But when you have a child, you need to be able to do that.

It's not just you anymore. You know, you're not going to go

to the grocery store and only get dinner for you when you have

a child. And if you do, you know that's.

Living, living there like children.

But you know, like. But yeah, I get what you're

like. So since we're talking about

this, I guess I'm going to kind of backtrack to like a couple

episodes ago when we were talking about the States and we

had described how when we were with one parent and one week, I

guess we can use the word vanish because in our minds as kids,

that's what it was. It's it's vanished, right?

Like you have somebody with you one day and the next day you

have no idea where they're at and you don't hear from them for

a long time. It's vanishing definitely in a

child's mind. So with that being said, I'm

going to share a situation when so it happened twice.

OK, so I'm going to speak on the second time.

I think we had gotten, I don't know if we had, I went to school

or what Keeling, but we had went to a family member's house.

And when we got there, I remember driving up the hill and

you know, when something just feels heavy, you know

something's off. That's the only way I can

describe it. Like it's like I felt this

heaviness and I knew something was wrong.

We get to this family member's house and we all sat on the

couch and they essentially told us, hey, Sock left, basically

didn't want to be here anymore. And I can't explain how much

that broke me. And I think that's what made it

so much harder. Through the states as we kept

moving and all this stuff because.

You're sitting here trying to deal with the, a parent that

essentially vanished and then you also have all this other

stuff going on and it's like, it really, really is a lot to deal

with guys. I'm just being honest.

Like that was, I can speak on it now, but in that time frame and

as I got older, I, I couldn't deal with anything.

I couldn't think level headed, I couldn't navigate day-to-day

life things. And we went back with toothbrush

and toothbrush had this older car at the time.

And I remember I would just go out there because it was quiet

in the car and I would just scream and cry.

Because this was the. Second time this parent was just

gone and I can't speak on why that decision was made.

That's something, you know, they decided and whatever they were

dealing with. And I can understand that being

older, you know, sometimes you you have to save yourself no

matter what that looks like, I guess.

But for us, we got left here and you know, I think that it's kind

of I don't even know how to explain it.

It's kind of like this tug of war thing because feeling I can

understand kind of where your mindset was and also like the

saving, I can totally understand that too.

But also at the same time, like you also had a parent that left

a couple times, you know, so it's, it's really hard as a

child. Which side do you go?

You've already got this. You don't even realize that

because it's not surfaced in your mind and you can't

comprehend it that young. You're making a decision at 14.

Your brain's not even formed yet completely.

I don't even know the age that it fully forms, but your brain's

not even fully formed. Like you, you know, like looking

back now, obviously we can be like, oh, this was abandonment

and I need to deal with this or this was this.

But at that time, of course, you don't know which direction to

go. I mean, you've got this parent

that's just gone and they've got all this happening.

On the flip side, at least on the flip side, the other parent

was there what, even though it was not good circumstances, at

least they were present. That makes up for something, I

guess. And that's not saying anything

bad on the other parent, but it's it does make a little bit

of a difference that that parent was present, even though that

parent kind of, you know, went and did their own thing, you

know, and left us sometimes. But at the end of the day, it

does make a really big difference.

It really does. And I think it it can cause this

tug of war effect of like what we've shared before, neither

side was right. And what do you do?

And it causes a lot of confusion.

So with that being said, even when Sak got custody of us, it's

still confusing. It's so confusing.

Now we're like, you know, middle schoolers, I think.

And it's like, OK, we finally are with Sak, the person that

that's how I felt. I was like, Oh my gosh, we're

finally here. And then it took this whole

ripple effect of downhill from there too.

And it's like, it's a lot to think about and it's a lot to

process. And you know, I've been doing a

lot since I've been in Arizona on healing.

And I even didn't realize that before I even came out here, I

was doing stuff subconsciously, like I got a personal trainer

and I didn't realize through that that I was working on

healing because every time I went in there, I went in a

couple times a week and I was giving it my all.

And he was even like, you're on start paying me for therapy.

But like I was doing these things.

Even though I was still struggling with alcohol and

processing and all of this, I didn't realize at the time what

I was doing. It was helping me and looking

back, I'm like, wow, I'm so glad I did something like that and

didn't even realize because I've been in really big gym rat a lot

of my life. So it's helped me process a lot.

I would throw on a podcast or throw on one of those like

scream at you was like, you got this videos and that's what I

listened to like day in and day out.

I'm like, OK, yes, OK, because I I personally don't have anyone

to help pick me back up. So I was grappling onto any

thing that I could to get that little bit of motivation because

there was nothing to grab onto a lot.

A lot of people can run to their parents when there's a bad

situation happening. If they have a bad day, they can

go to their parents house. They need help navigating

something. They call their parents.

There's you know, you get out of work, you call your parent, talk

about your day. We didn't have any of that.

So you got to find it in yourself.

And I found mine with God as well.

So with that being said too, I know we're kind of all over the

place right now, but when we lived in the stricter household,

as soon as they had got in custody, we got put in the

cornfields at 13, which is fine. I don't think there's anything

wrong with that. I think it teaches discipline.

It teaches a lot about life. A job really teaches you a lot,

you know. So we were out in the cornfields

and we were working out there. So we'd get taken to the bus

stop and then the bus would like take all of us kids and we got

in the cornfield. That sounds insane.

Like what? Like you know what I mean Like

that. So we got taken to this like

stop and then we got on a bus and.

Then that's hard work pulling tassels like.

I did not like that at all. And guys, mind you, I'm in

construction. Me and Killeen.

I have people that ask me at work sometimes they're like,

would your sister do it? I'm like, no.

Absolutely not. I'm.

Like she would like cheer you on for sure, but.

But it really is, it's not easy work.

I mean, in the mornings you're going in, it's early, okay,

You're going through the corn fields and your clothes are

getting wet and it's freezing. And then I used to have beetles

in my pants. Thinking about it stresses me

out. They're used to the beetles used

to get in my pants. Like I would get home even after

all day and I would take my pants off and there would be a

beetle in there and I was like, Oh my gosh.

So you got to think it's freezing in the morning, you're

wet and then by midday it's hot. So now your clothes are like

drying and it's just like extremely hot.

And you're just walking through these cornfields out hurts

pulling these tassels. And it's not really fun.

It's it's really not, you know, it's a lot, but I'm so grateful

because you know, our sock, they were very big on work.

We in that household, we were not allowed to do sports.

We were not allowed to hang out with friends.

You go to school and you go to work and that's it and chores.

So there was times like that. I remember that I hung out with

friends there, but it's I also ended up getting into church,

the Pentecostal church, which we'll talk about later.

So that was a big part of my time there as well.

So that was, you know, I went to church a couple times a week.

OK, So there was a time when we worked in the cornfields, and I

remember Sock drove us to the bus stop and they ended up not

having work that day. And so Sock just left us there.

And do you remember that, Kayleen or.

No? Yeah, yeah.

And so we get to I. Don't know I just said it like

that, but yeah. That's OK, I support it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But so we're supposed to have

work. Mind you, it's super early in

the morning and we just get left at this bus stop because there

was no work that day. And I understand, Sock, how to

go to work. I'm not discrediting that.

I can't imagine trying to, you know, navigate with the kids and

stuff. But I also, on the flip side,

Kellene, if you were to call me right now and be like, Oh yeah,

you know, I dropped the kids off and they didn't have school, so

I got to go to work and I'm just going to leave them there for

the day and they can figure out what to do.

I would literally come there and yeah, you don't want to know

what I would do? No, I'm just gonna, yeah.

Especially like raining and. If you called me and was like,

hey. I'm just leaving the.

Kids all day right there. I would literally start a riot

and do everything I could to go. Against you after working.

You know, like that's not, you don't do that to a kid.

And yeah, so I'm, I'm just explaining because with these

situations and everything there, there was just such, it's so

hard to explain like a lot. Because.

You know, it's like you think of this and then you think of this

and you think of this. That's what was happening in my

head like. Yeah, it's like you kind of

don't know where to go with it and doing this podcast it's

harder because it is kind of hard for us.

Where to start, guys? I'm going to be honest, like it

is it's very hard because there's so much that happened

and it's it's really hard to pinpoint and what to talk about

when it's just me and killing. We can free flow on it and you

know, we do that all the time. It's so much easier to do it.

But on the podcast, we just, it's just a different dynamic

for us. And also guys, this is like a

healing thing for us, like we've said.

So yeah, with everything we've kind of talked about, we're kind

of trying to share the different situations in both of the

households. So I'm going to speak a little.

I'm going to go back into kind of the beginning of this episode

and go a little bit more on what I was sharing about anger

because I feel like I shared that and then I didn't really

explain further. So the anger part of things, I

don't feel like I'm a very angry person.

I became an angry person because of my environment, but I don't

feel like today in my life, I, I just, I don't really feel that

angry. I really don't.

And I have, don't get me wrong, I get angry.

It's an emotion. I, I definitely get angry.

But with the way that I was living in anger, there's a very

big difference between getting angry and living in anger.

And I feel like for a long time I was living in anger and it was

projected onto people around me. And it's super unfortunate, but

here's an example. I wasn't living with my parents

at the time. I was working at McDonald's.

Something happened where one of our siblings wanted to go to

like a party or something I don't even know and I was

closing. I worked with one of my good

friends at the time. Well she's still one of my good

friends but we worked together at the time and we were closing

at McDonald's and Sock shows up and mind you we're closed at

this point. Sock is in the parking lot

screaming and cussing at me and my friend walks out and is like

telling them to leave and all this stuff saying tell me that I

need to be helping this other sibling.

And I'm like, I don't even talk to you guys.

Like I can't explain it because I worked two jobs.

So I went online in high school. I think it was in 10th grade, I

believe because I wasn't living with my parents.

I ended up going online because I was working a couple jobs

throughout high school to support myself.

And I always freaked out because where I was working, it was

still in the same area as them guys.

They would show up to my jobs and it didn't happen all the

time. So I don't want to exaggerate

it, but it freaked me out. Like when I was working at

McDonald's, I didn't know when they were going to show up to

the drive thru where I always freaked out.

Like I cannot explain it didn't know when they were going to

come through. And after that happened, thank

God it was closed and thank God my friend was there because, you

know, showing up to my job and screaming and cussing at me and

I'm not even expecting it. And I'm already like fighting

all my own stuff. You know, it was a lot.

And so I was working at pizza place and then I would work at

McDonald's and that's what I was doing.

And then I would take my laptop and I would do my school at

work. And I also like was helping a

friend out and I would babysit their kid.

And you know, that was a whole thing as well.

So I'm working these two jobs trying to graduate because my

main thing to. For all that is like, I was

like, I'm going to graduate, I don't care.

I'll work 2 jobs. And mind you, I had my own

apartment and I was walking from my apartment to another town.

So I'd walk on the highway and then I would come back and then

I would go to the other job. So I was very, very determined.

I was like, I'm getting my degree and I also, I got to take

care of myself and at the time I was making like $7.00 and like

5-5 cents, something like that. Whatever minimum wage was at the

time, not a lot. So I'm working both of these

jobs. And on the flip side, you know,

I had that that situation happened at McDonald's and then

I'm also working at this pizza place.

And it's so crazy because I hear people in my life today be like,

Adrian, you were so much fun. Like, I can't believe all that

was happening. Like you were just such a good

time. And I'm like internally when I

was at the pizza place, every time that phone rang, I would, I

would literally freak out. Like if somebody else was

working with me, I wanted them to answer it because I didn't

know if sock and shoe were going to call.

And I know that sounds extreme, but the effect that they had on

me at that time in my life was so bad.

And I, I didn't want, I didn't really talk about it a lot at

that time. I was just trying to make it

through and I wanted anything I could do to have a relationship

with sock. I was like, I anything I could

find to talk about or anything. I tried to do that.

So I had a situation that happened personally and I called

sock and I was like, Hey, I, you know, I just to talk.

And they showed up to my, to my job sock and shoe.

And they came to the front counter and shoe literally was

like, wasn't like screaming, but it was making a scene enough for

it to be uncomfortable, if that makes sense.

And I'm like, Oh my gosh, like these people are showing up to

my job. And it, mind you, I'm like

trying to heal from everything that happened in their house

already because and it wasn't all bad guys.

It, it wasn't. But there's just so much that

happened. And This is why I, I started

researching and I started studying and I started listening

to podcast and any emotion that I dealt with or reaction,

because I, anything that stems from that environment, I want to

absolutely demolish it. I don't want it in my life.

I don't want to be that person. I don't think I ever wanted to

be that person and I think that's why at the time I became

someone like I look back at pictures and I'm like, I don't

even recognize who I was, like who was I?

And I just wanted to demolish that.

So now speaking in terms of present day, looking back, I'm

so glad what all of that taught me because now navigating, I'm

going to use construction for an example.

I deal with guys in construction that resemble that, but at the

same time, I know how to navigate with them because I've

studied and researched so much on myself, self reflected and

also the dynamics of the family that I grew up.

So I know, you know, a lot of times when someone's angry, it

has nothing to even do with you. People are reacting.

It's their emotion and something they're dealing with internally

and has nothing to do with us. So great.

You know, with that being said, it's like, I don't know if I've

shared this on the podcast yet. So we'll see and if we have

them, we'll just cut this out. But I, you know, when I moved

across the country, I got into a construction company.

Now, mind you, Indiana is an industrial state.

It's like 5050 women, men, whatever out here.

I didn't realize I was getting in the hard hat industry and

it's a completely different environment.

I didn't realize what it was, but at the same time, I didn't

have a degree and this is just what was.

So I was going into work every day and there was a lot

happening. And I'm going to talk about this

all later as well. But I'm I'm on a pinpoint on

what I'm trying to explain, not the rest of it.

So I'm going into work and there's so much happening at

work. Now, mind you, I'm a girl.

I'm a I'm a smaller girl and it's not normal in Arizona for

like a girl to be doing that kind of Labor work typically,

you know, I was hanging drywall. So very odd.

And I got a lot of backlash for it.

And like I said, that's not why I'm pinpointing it.

But there was a lot going on in construction and I was trying to

figure out a lot there while healing and also having just

moved across the country. Well, I had a boss at the time

and we ended up getting to know each other, obviously working

together because when I first moved out here and then that

company, I was the only person that spoke English, like other

people spoke English, but the people I was working around,

it's like God put me in this situation.

He's like focus, focus, heal and focus.

I didn't know anybody here. I'm going to work.

Nobody that was around really spoke English.

I had no choice but to focus on God and my healing.

Like it was divine. Honestly, looking back at it

now, but in that time I was like losing my mind.

OK so with that being said, I was going into work and the boss

that I had at the time, he would do the random like freak outs

and start screaming and stuff like that and it started

triggering me. I cannot explain.

I started meditating. I started listening to podcasts

I don't like to read and I started reading.

I would say I was working on a roof and 120° like.

And as time was progressing I started going in and I would

just be crying. I couldn't afford to quit and I

would just cry and I'll never forget it.

I went in one day and I I had kept going in and I was like I

wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my parents.

Like this is my parents fault. If I would have had parents in

my life or if somebody would have helped me.

And I went in and I was complaining every single day.

I was blaming my parents. I'm, you know, 23 or maybe I was

20, right? Just turned 24 at the time I'm

going in and you know, the whole foundation of my life was

complaining when I was going into work, also dealing with

what was happening at work, mind you.

So this boss, he starts screaming at me.

He's like you're here because of you.

He's like you're not here because you're parents.

Your parents didn't make you move to Arizona.

Your parents didn't put you in construction.

You made the decision to be here and has nothing to do with your

parents. Now, as time progressed, this

was something he started saying to me every day.

Mind you, there was a lot of other things that was happening

at the time, like I've said multiple times.

So this on top of it, but looking back, even with

everything they did to us in that company, us girls, looking

back, what I got from it is so magnificent because if it wasn't

for that dynamic and what had happened, I wouldn't be where I

am today and with my mindset, because no matter what was going

on behind the scenes, everything that he was screaming at me at

that time completely changed my perspective.

He's completely right. I wasn't there because of my

parents. I wasn't in construction because

of my parents. I'm not sitting here right now

because of my parents. These are all decisions I've

made. They had control when we were

with them, but they don't have control anymore now also going

farther with that, they don't have control of me anymore.

So my decisions are my decisions.

I'm also not a child anymore. So I'm not in captivity of

mental abuse. I'm not in captivity of them

being able to show up at my jobs.

I'm not in captivity of having to worry about going to the

hospital if someone's sick and sick, you know, whatever.

But like, I'm so grateful looking back at everything

because also at the same time, that boss that was screaming at

me, I cannot even make this up. He resembled shoe so much and it

was triggering me very bad. I went into work one day and I

was like, listen, I was like, I can't do this anymore.

I'm like, I, I'm so depressed. I was like bawling.

I'm like, I can't deal with this anymore.

Like, and I felt so weak and I just had nothing to give because

I had nothing. I felt like, you know, I moved

across the country. I don't have my parents.

It was just really, really, it was hard.

And after all the chaos that was happening at work, he literally

looked at me and he's like, Adrian, go do what you need to

do. And I was like, I just need to

go cry. I was like, I just need, I just

need a second. I was like, I just need like a

couple seconds. And he was like, I'm not going

to say anything. He's like, go do what you need

to do. And he let me.

And I went in the porta potty and I cried for hours.

Like I sat in there and I just, it was like 120° and I sat there

and I cried for hours. And I just let it out.

And I was like, I walked out of that porta potty and I, I felt

better, but I, you know, if it wasn't for that time frame in my

life and what I learned and navigated through because it,

like I said, it was really hard. And I did start meditating and I

started listening to meditation at night and I'm I spent a lot

of time like the stuff that I was listening to was about

reacting to that boss because he resembled shoe so much that I

feel like looking back and I learned this after getting out

of that situation. I needed to be in that situation

because just because I moved across the country and was away

from shoe, that doesn't mean I'm never going to have something

that resembles that in my life again.

So when this situation came up, I flipped to my mindset and I

was like, OK, so I'm away from shoe, but now I have shoes

twinsie right in front of me and I'm like, how can I navigate

this? And that's exactly what I did.

So the podcast I was listening to was about reacting about

being triggered and things like that.

And so as I was sitting here and like facing this person every

day, that was such a resemblance of shoe.

I really studied and there was times I would go sit in the

party and I would cry. I'd let it out.

And then on our breaks I was taking books and I would read.

I would find a corner on the roof and I would read.

And that's what I did for days in and days out.

And I just focused and I sat there and I sat in it and I sat

in the pain and I sat in all of it.

And it brought me to an understanding.

I don't hate a person. I hate the way they reacted.

And so when I talk about shoe and sock, they put me through

hell in that household that like absolute hell.

And it wasn't all the time, like I said, but with the stuff that

was happening there, I mean, looking back, I'm so grateful

for my journey here in Arizona because I wouldn't know half of

the things I do and I would still be living in captivity of

pain. And I don't feel like I'm living

in captivity of pain. I'm on a healing journey for

sure. Obviously, you know, it's going

to be a long journey ahead of me, but at the same time, it's

not captivity of that environment anymore.

And with the anger, it is an adrenaline thing.

And it's scary because once you see it in another person and you

start realizing I'm, I'm grateful now because, like I

said, in construction, it helps me navigate in situations

because it's not so much of A trigger now.

It's more of I've learned how to navigate, I guess.

And sometimes I do, you know, get triggered, obviously, but

it's just helped me maneuver in life differently.

So yeah, I kind of went in a wormhole there.

No, but that was that was like a good, you know, example and how

those things still affect you today.

You know what I'm saying? Like there's still things that

happened today that trigger me from, you know, 10-15 years ago.

That's just a part of it. When you go through something

like that, it's inevitable when you're older to just have

certain things that are like triggers or I wouldn't

necessarily call what what you had went through with that

situation a trigger because that was just a whole nother like.

Yeah, yeah, because you know the back story so.

Self. Yeah, yeah.

But what you're saying is right, killing because people don't

realize like I can go and when I turn 41 and someone could come

in the room, OK, I've explained it like this before, say killing

every time before I come in and I punch your thigh, your thighs

bruised. Your leg is always going to be

messed up for the rest of your life because every time I see

you, I punch you in the thigh. But before I punch you in the

thigh, I go and I flip the light switch.

OK, so now I'm out of your life. So you spent 23 years, I'm

coming in the room and every time I'm punching your thigh

every single night. So I come in, I put the light

switch on and then I come in and punch you in the thigh.

OK, now you're, you move. Now I'm no longer in your life.

I'm not punching your thigh every day.

And now 10 years later, I'm still out of your life.

But somebody comes in and you know you, even if you work

through healing, you can still get triggered.

Someone comes in the room 10 years later and they flip on the

light switch. You get triggered and you're not

even going to get your thoughts. You're not even get hit on your

thigh. It's because of the light

switch, because you know, OK, that's happening, so you know

what's next, You know what I'm saying?

Right. Yeah, that's honestly like the

perfect way to explain that. Like triggers are you, you just

can't control them and, and certain things, I mean, there's

going to be triggers for the rest of some people's lives that

they aren't even going to know or realize that it's going to be

a trigger because you don't know, right?

Yeah. So I think, you know, there's

going to be a lot of things that we're going to have to face for

the rest of our lives because of what we went through, for sure.

Yeah. But that does.

Doesn't mean that it's not a it's not possible to get through

it because triggers are triggers.

You're not, you're not living in it anymore.

You're just getting triggered. So it's like super important

when you're getting triggered, put your feet on the floor and

sit in the chair and like count all the light switches in the

room or count how many tiles are on the floor and realize you're

bring yourself to reality in that moment and be like, I'm

not, I'm triggered, but I'm not there.

Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes that makes

perfect sense. Like, feel the trigger, then

move forward and healing and how to navigate that.

But bring yourself to reality and be like, OK, I'm feeling

this, but in reality, I'm sitting in a room that's safe.

Yeah, yeah. And you know, looking back on

it, I can't even imagine but what you had gone through like,

because whenever you add that on top of everything else that we

had already went through, and then it just made the situation

that more that much more complicated, I feel like.

And it, and it made it harder to process everything because you

go from the childhood moving around everywhere, watching, you

know, addictions and stuff like alcoholism.

Then you go from that. Then we move in with the shoe

and sock and then there's stuff going on there.

Then we get separated And then like it's just, it was like hard

to process the first thing there was just like a bunch of stuff

piling up on. So now, like you said, there's

just triggers you'll have that you probably won't even know is

triggers. Like there's honestly, I'll see

a certain car and it triggers me still sometimes like, like if I

see an identical car to, you know, a car that I had a bad

experience with, but the person who drove it and yeah, I don't

know, just little things like that.

I don't know how. Yeah, it makes complete sense.

It's like it takes you back, but it's not present day because

it's a trigger, right? So Kaylene and do you.

Oh, God. OK, Sorry.

No, no. Don't you say sorry dude, I was

going to say to you, if you want to talk more like if you're

ready to talk, we can start episode 2.

OK, OK. That's.

You want to do that? I will literally just talk that

full time dude. No, no, I don't know.

You made some really, really good points and you have to,

we're trying to explain everything without saying and

outing. So it's going to take a little

longer to, you know, we're having to take the long route to

explain everything rather than just straightforward.

Bottom line, we're trying to be careful because we want to

share, but we're also, you know, for one, being respectful and

for two, this is our first time doing this, so we're also

learning along the way. So yeah.

Yeah. Guys, I hope you join us back

because Kaylee is going to speak more in this next episode.

So we will see you next week. Yep.

See y'all.

The briefing